Lapping everyone on the couch

My last post, i talked about all the changes that made the second half of my 2013 year SUCK. Needless to say, i wasn't focusing on ME at any point. I knew i was getting heavier and stress eating. So I avoided the scale and stairs like the plague.

About a week after Jon proposed, (so we're still back in November) we were scheduled to participate in a "get your numbers" health promotion which i was not looking forward to one bit. You go in, get poked and prodded and they give you your health numbers. Weight, BP, cholesterol, etc. Then counsel you on how to be healthy. Yeah, sounds like super duper fun, right?

But Jon wanted to do it especially with his workload he hadn't been taking care of himself either, and we both knew we needed and wanted to get our eating habits back in control. This would be a perfect opportunity to find our starting point. I put on a brave face, knowing my blood pressure numbers would make the nurse look at me in horrified shock. And indeed, he looked me square in the eye and said something cautionary about the variety of ways it could kill me too young.

But it wasn't until I got a reassuring look from Jon from across the room, that something clicked in my mind.

I'm getting married to this amazing man, and we only get the rest of our lives to be together. Do I want to cut that short?

Here was this future, that I had never considered the correlation with my health, staring me in the face. It wasn't all about getting thin for a wedding dress, though even I'll admit it's spurring some early extra effort. But my main reasons now are to live and spend as much time as possible with Jon. To be healthy enough to have children. Being healthy enough to help them grow and learn to be healthy as well.

I don't know why it took getting engaged for me to reach this realization. But, i hit my crossroads and turned to the harder path of weight-loss.

That week (still in November), i finally went to my doctor and to a local gym. In the past, I had dangerous collapsing issues. Aside from blood pressure, doctors couldn't figure out why it was happening. I tried to get my blood pressure under control, but i wasn't rich enough to handle the cost of multiple visits to the doctor. So i just tried to ignore it til it went away. Doctor Shiva-the-destroyer (she's scary when she's mad) seemed dubious that this time my resolve was real, but she started the process to control my blood pressure and approved me to start a workout regimen under a trainer's supervision.

The gym was all too happy to sign me up early before adding me to Jon's insurance. They assigned me a trainer named Ally, who was a former nurse, for a trial personal trainer session. She was one of those ladies that clearly has never been overweight and is determined to be your own personal cheerleader for the smallest things. I found her extremely annoying. Those "i know you can do it"s were just frustrating. My experience told me that just when i thought i was doing it, i would collapse, stop breathing, and probably konk my head on the way down.

She had me do a maneuver i had told her had caused tunnel vision in the past (my warning signal), so clearly something i already didn't want to do. And sure enough, i was breathing hard and very nervous when she got down on her knees in front of me and said "I'm right here, i'm not going to let anything happen."

I believed her. Really, truly, fundamentally BELIEVED her. For the first time, i felt i could trust a stranger to see just how much this scared me. I couldn't help myself, i started tearing up. We talked past our allotted time and she kept saying: "The hardest thing you have to do, is come back the next few times. Despite the soreness, despite the worry, despite the scheduling. Make it happen the next few times and it will start getting easier."

By that point i was so emotionally raw, that i was almost ready to believe her if she said the moon was made of cheese. Almost :). But it made sense, so i bit the bullet and committed to SIX MONTHS of the 1/2 hour trainer sessions 2x a week. I had gotten a promotion and a raise which certainly helped a LOT with the budgeting, but i knew i had to make it work. Plus the six months was now paid for so my frugal side was now determined to get my money's worth.

I wasn't sore after the first workout, but the second, third, fifth, tenth....oh yeah! I could barely move for the first month after every session and i was convinced my workouts were negated by the couch potato i was becoming because i was too sore to move. I complained incessantly to Jon about how i hated being sore every minute of every day in every place imaginable.

And it was HARD. Hard going in and watching fit women strut around in their workout bras and short shorts (Strange that even my perception of fit women has changed, I used to call them "twigs", so rude of me). Hard trying to find workout clothes in my size (come on, if we're supposed to get down to those sizes, give us cute clothes to start with!). Hard changing your eating habits from chocolate to dried fruit. Hard going into a yoga studio with 15 other thin people who don't know what it's like to have your boobs try to smother you in bridges or twist yourself into a pretzel with fat thighs getting in the way!

I don't know who you are, but you rock lady!

But with Ally's reminders at the end of every session "just come back", and the money already spent...i kept going in and teasing her about what new torture she had in store for me today. The first month, i thought i saw or felt a few changes, but it was nothing i could point at and say "it's gone!". The second month, i noticed that certain spots were less squishy, and i had bulges from muscles that were not there before. And then i realized recently, that i wanted more; I wasn't even tired after the 30 minute sessions. So i asked Ally for more butt-kicking.

It's been 3 months with Ally's ministrations and keeping my blood pressure in check.

• I'm just a few pounds shy of my first 20lbs
• I can do a full set of 10 pushups
• I can do almost 45 seconds of planks
• I'm not gasping for breath at the top of the stairs of our 3rd floor apartment
• I'm doing yoga weekly, increasing my flexibility and endurance
• I've only had 2 dizzy spells but no collapses. 
• My energy level has skyrocketed
• I can take my jeans off without unbuttoning
• Subsequently, I now require a belt
• Both Jon and I are eating healthier
• Co-workers have started commenting that i look like i've lost weight. 

In the scope of my goals, this is only the beginning. There's a long way to go and i'm thankful every day for Ally being my personal trainer and cheerleader. I'm thankful Jon is so supportive: Jon even signed up for his own trainer and regimen citing me as inspiration. "If you can do what you're doing with all the extra health crap on top...i have no excuse."

Don't think i've ever been someone's health inspiration before. It's still so tempting to eat a pint of ice cream, or an entire bucket of extra butter popcorn. It would be SO easy to just go back to ignoring it.
I don't think i'll ever WANT to workout over a netflix marathon. Or consider half a sandwich a meal. But it's becoming easier to make the choice for the healthier options.

For now, i know that i'm re-upping on the personal trainer sessions when the six months expires. I'm not confident enough to workout alone with the risk of collapsing still there. I'm thrilled to be seeing some tangible results, but I'm not satisfied yet. I never expect to be super thin or on the cover of a fitness magazine. Heck if i manage to make it to size 10, i'll be thinner than i've been since i hit puberty. Even if i'm never running around in a pushup bra and short shorts, just getting my body healthy will be enough for me. I just want to be healthy enough to live out my life.

Oh, and do the splits again. Yeah, that would be awesome at any weight.

Returning from Hawaii - New Workout

I had an amazing time in Hawaii.

First and foremost, i was with Boyfriend Jon. He is my ideal travel companion, he's been there several times so he had awesome suggestions, he understood the language/pronunciation and he looks hot in nothing but swim trunks. So of course we had an amazing time

Second...we went to HAWAII. A paradise on earth, where we left the touristy towns and found quiet beaches where we could almost fall asleep to the sounds of crashing waves. Someday, i would love to camp out on the beaches there. I wore sarongs, smelled like sunscreen, and snorkeled with fish. We saw so many amazing things that no picture i could post would do it justice. But i'll do some anyway :)

Our first sunrise in Hawaii because we were still 3 hours ahead

Makapu'u Point

Waimanalo Beach. Which became our favorite. This was the most crowded it got.

Somewhere on West Shore where we stopped for a picknick

North Shore. Wrong season for really big waves, but still really big for me

Polynesian Cultural Center had the most amazing performance

...

...

...

Jealous yet?

Things i would do differently:

• Not get horribly sunburned halfway through. Sunscreen is no joke down near the equator. And neither is proper application technique including re-application after swimming. Poor Jon found out just how Seattlites put on sunscreen (yes he had pants on).

• Not get a hotel in Honolulu. I couldn't care less about the Waikiki beach. Sure it's famous and that's why EVERYONE goes there. But a half hour away is half a dozen beaches where we could swim and the nearest people were 50 feet away. It was so much more relaxing and fun. 
• Not get a gigantic luxury rental car. The push start and back up cameras were cool, but we nicknamed it "The Boat" for a reason. We would much rather have had a zippy little compact.

Things i would LOVE to do more of:

• Simply hanging out at the beach. Now that i know what a real sandy beach feels like, i would love to just go spend a few extra days letting my toes really get to know the sand. Plus after he bought his third Ukelele, Boyfriend Jon serenaded me on the beach. What girl can resist that???
• Two words: Hanauma Bay. Once i finally got my snorkle equiptment to work properly....that was by far the highlight of the trip. I wish i had bought an underwater digital camera for it too. We're currently waiting for our disposable to come back with our fingers crossed that the pictures turn out ok. 
• To spend more time at the Polynesian cultural center, this time participating in the learning opportunities instead of going from show to show. 
• The Aloha Stadium Swap Meet was great for all the trinkets and supplies. Our apartment looks like it had a minor hawaii explosion. 

I had an amazing time and I'm already pestering Boyfriend Jon to take me back. 

But while there, sufficient to say i had a turning point in my head while in Hawaii. I really need to do something about my weight. It's not even optional anymore. And I gave myself a week after i got back to start a workout routine. I was finally ready to make some huge changes to my life. 

1. First thing to go was eating out. Partially this was because my credit card bill from Hawaii almost gave me a heart attack. So i picked up the cooking at home again. I ate out twice in two weeks.
2. Second thing to change, was a commitment to eating vegetables with every meal. At least half of what i consumed needed to be veggies. Boyfriend Jon also got on board for this which just made all the difference a few of the days. 
3. Third thing was to start working out 3 times a week. My buddy Colin has been doing weightlifting and so i picked his brain for a while. Then jumped into working out. I was extremely displeased that i couldn't do more than one pushup when i used to be able to do 20. So that helped solidify that i'm going to be sticking with this until i'm not so awfully weak!

The first week of working out was BRUTAL! The first couple of days i couldn't move without groaning, and i felt shaky picking up even my laptop. I told Colin i hated him for getting me into this and he put me in touch with a woman who has been exactly where i am now and is now a size 4. Between the two of them, Boyfriend Jon's support and some determination on my part, i'm starting to see that i can do this. 

Esteem turmoil and Hawaii

I am a curvy girl. This has come with a lot of stigma, pretty much all of it painful and depressing. Sufficient to say, I grew up bigger in general, have always had issues with my weight and have spent lots of time agonizing over it.

A little while ago, I posted about my Great Aunt Claire. She was first to get me to see around the insults and look at it from another perspective. Which since i was a burly kid...usually meant pointing out that i could beat the crap out of them then sit on them and they wouldn't be able to do a thing about it. (apparently i had too many arguments against the old sticks and stones mantra).

So like all women of any size, i have good days and bad days.

I'm convinced my inner goddess
is played by Christina Hendricks

Most days, i am one heckova sultry vixen. I have a walk that naturally sashays and gorgeous chocolate hair, eyes that can change color, and i rarely get pimples. I know many women that would die for natrually clear skin that rarely blemishes. My inner voice defiantly tells anyone who looks down their nose at me - "This is the body i have, love it or hate it, it's me." And it's not like i'm anywhere near record size. Just a size 20 and a DD cup. Oh yeah, and my cholesterol makes my doctor really happy. Really, it's not that bad and Boyfriend Jon loves me unconditionally.

Then there's days when my insecurities get the best of me. Like a stone sinking in my stomach for every single stretch mark and jiggle. Jealousy for romantic scenes in movies where the guy effortlessly sweeps a girl off her feet. Terror when seeing someone pull out a camera that i have to clamp down on and smile through.

Or worrying about wearing a bathing suit in Hawaii.

Yup. I'm going to Hawaii! In a week! With my best friend and lover and favorite travel companion; Boyfriend Jon. It's our first real vacation where we're not meeting up with family. And i'm excitedly counting down the days. We even made a rip off calendar that is right next to the door and we rip off each new day together. How cheesy is that?? :)

I want to go. I've been wanting to go for over a decade. I know, with out a doubt that this is going to be an amazing trip. Also....there's an extremely good chance that when we get off the plane i'm going to revert to a four year old and be bouncing off the walls.

But talking with other (thin) women about tips for going to tropical locations....has the insecurities rearing their ugly heads again. Bikini waxing presents all sorts of challenges that skinny girls don't have to face. Spray tanning... i actually laughed at the size zero girl who told me to stand like this, then like this...be cause there's no way the spray would get into all the crevices. Some of the positions i get into remind me of human tetris!

And...there's more to it than just the suit.
There's the pasty white skin from never wearing anything shorter than capris
There's extra curves, stretch marks, cellulite...
There's memories of taunting calls of cankles (which i most assuredly do NOT have), thunder thighs, whale, and most recently "fat lady" (thank you children across the balcony who don't realize that screens aren't soundproof)

Boyfriend Jon has been wonderful (really ladies...i got hit the boyfriend jackpot with this guy), reassuring me every time i go into bathing suit panic mode, that there will be ample people of plus size around on the beaches...and that they will have clothes in my size. Probably more so than i can find here in Washington.

THEN
I went from feeling completely insecure to the opposite end of the spectrum.

My first crush, who became a long time friend admitted that he'd crushed on me for most of our teenage years. Say what???? Daydreams of him were constant for over a decade. But I thought given his complete inaction that he wasn't remotely attracted to me. Turns out, that i couldn't have been more wrong. The teenager still inside of me has thrown her hat down and started stomping on it. Why? Why now? Why didn't you tell me these things when something could have been done about them?

But that ship sailed long ago. Those daydreams laid to rest. That crush is just a friend on the other side of the world who i can talk about guns with. I care about him and want good things for him. But that's it.

I've been reminding that teenager part of my brain, that my relationship with Boyfriend Jon was a delicate balance of things falling into place at exactly the right moment. Change a single thing, and maybe i would never be with Mister Boyfriend Jackpot. So why dream about what could have been when what is, is perfect?

So what do you do when you swing from insanely happy, horribly insecure, never good enough, to a source of regret because you were more than good enough, to embarrassed, to conflicted, to excited beyond all reason, and back around again? I love roller coasters, but i want to get off this one!

I'm getting to the point where a good hearty emotion filled cry might just actually solve this crazy web of my feelings.

I am a Female Carpenter

After trying to do a Google image search for Female Carpenter, Woman Carpenter, woman wood worker, female furiture builder and various other similar searches. I have come to the realization that the internet has no idea what those titles mean. Replace female/woman for male/man and you get plenty of images. 

But 90% of what does come up for the lady version...is downright insulting. 

I AM A FEMALE CARPENTER

As a hobby...I build beautiful furniture, using a variety of tools, math and reasoning, and techniques that have taken years to learn and develop. I am still learning and will always admire good craftsmanship.

I realize this a is 99% male dominated field, and have the utmost respect for masters of this craft regardless of their sex. 

THESE ARE NOT FEMALE CARPENTERS

They are models wearing costumes and holding props. 

Note there isn't a glue wipe, speck of sawdust, band-aid from a splinter, on her perfectly braided hair or perfectly selected clean clothes. Also...lady, you're going to stab yourself with the pencil pointed that way. And you! close your mouth unless you want it filled with sawdust! Save that look for a porno...if you still have limbs for it after you've been holding the saw like that running. 

Being a female carpenter doesn't mean i look like Paul Bunyan without a beard, never shave my legs, endeavor to be a lumberjack, live in the woods, or crack nuts with my toes. 

It doesn't mean i'm a man hater, ball buster, lesbian, or a body builder. 

NOR does it mean I consider Ikea directions a way to build furniture and can only do so with my low power pretty pink tool set that's sized for a child while wearing a push up bra and a thong.

(Note: Nothing against pink tools, just think you pay extra for less power)

It also doesn't mean that with proper training...these women above couldn't become carpenters. 

I realize in a male dominated world, hot pinup women are the easy way for guys to even think about tools and women in the same sentence. Sex always sells. I get that.

But I've worked damn hard to become a carpenter to the point where friends, master-craftsmen, my father and complete strangers are impressed by the quality, design and care put into every single piece i create. 

I'm proud to be a craftswoman who can look at particle board ikea items with distain and know i can make something better for cheaper, that will last for generations. 

AND I MAY MAKE THEM WHILE WEARING A THONG BUT AT LEAST THE THONG IS UNDER MY STAINED, PAINT SMUDGED, RIPPED, and SAWDUST COVERED

WORK PANTS!!!!!!!!!

This is me (for real) at work. 

Good news and Dinner

Today Boyfriend Jon celebrated a huge success. I am so proud to announce that he has self published his first book on Smashwords. Jon wrote this story originally before we met and I've had the privilege to watch it transform through several revisions. It's a sweet, but realistic (if you can call talking animals with armor and swords realistic) tale to kick of the Guineawick Series. 

I'm not saying this just because he's my boyfriend. This story is well written and he agonized over the plot and character developments for months. It's a short light read that will be worth your time. Besides...it's free. You can check it out here. 

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/130321

So to celebrate, i offered to cook a nice homemade meal for him. Whatever he wanted. Boyfriend Jon leaned back into the cushions of the couch and pondered for a moment with a goofy grin on his face, still riding the high of the 10 downloads so far. Then he grinned even wider and looked at me and said "Chili Dogs". 

"Are you kidding or being serious?" I asked dubiously. 

"No, totally serious." he responded, nodding decisively. 

I thought hard. My dad had made sure we all knew some decent basic recipies from his standard menu. But Chili Dog had never come up. I ended up having to ask Boyfriend Jon what a Chili Dog was. 

He was aghast again. This is not the first time a seemingly "normal" dinner meal was something that never graced our table. 

I was 18 or so before i had my first ever taco and burrito. It was at a friend's birthday party and i was amazed. I brought the idea back to dad and he agreed to try it. My mother was not so enthused. 

She has what we refer to as Food Allergies to keep it simple for waiters. Although she's not allergic to anything, she does get massive migraines based on the food she consumes. So our dinner table, never had any hot spices, too many onions, mustard, aged cheeses (mozzarella and american were fine but nothing else), no fresh baked yeast breads (she believes that the yeast is still alive after it comes out of the oven so she needs to wait a day for the yeast to 'die'. don't ask...i don't know where she got that logic), Lima beans (we as kids were still forced to eat them, but she didn't have to), citrus juices or zest, complicated gravy's, curry, sour cream or nuts. That's just the major things. She won't eat standard apples from the store because the peels have a "chemical" that organic apples don't. And other things like that. 

We were constantly hearing "i can't eat that" and having to check food labels against her list which grew every year. The food we got was plain and my brothers claimed it was tasteless. We learned to cope, mostly through garlic. 

I can't say i blame her for her caution either. I've seen her in the hospital throwing up, with the blinds drawn and we have to talk in whispers so her head doesn't pound. And my mom is TOUGH. She went through shoulder replacement surgery with no pain killers other than TYLENOL! 

So in the end when we parred down the burritos to food that mom could eat...it was tortilla round, re-fried beans, lettuce, plain cooked hamburger and some cheese. It wasn't nearly as appetizing as what i had tasted at the birthday party. 

So I know i missed out on a bunch of things, and sometimes Boyfriend Jon looks at me with pure shock that I've never had a Manwich or chili dogs, fried rice or chow mein, or something else that was a major staple of his childhood. To be honest i can't remember the last time i had a taco. 

And it's not a matter of being resistant to try things, but i don't automatically think of the same kind of celebratory food. For me, luxuries were Jeiger schnitzle, Eggplant parmesean, paprika chicken, and Perrogies. All in all i'm very interested in trying out chili burgers and seeing how i like them. We'll see how it goes. 

Table Before and After Pics

It's official. My sister an I moved the coffee and end tables as well as most of the bed frame into my apartment and moved my old stuff out. This means i have some room to move around again because the dining room table and chairs were shipped out too.

I've often expressed my LOATHING for particle board, but i must say, my old coffee and end tables have held up extremely well considering they survived my sister's entire college experience...10 years between and then my entire college experience, plus a few years since. It's been dinged, scratched, spilled upon, stained, and the legs have to be regularly tightened so they don't fall off....but over all it's still a sturdy great piece. Hopefully i'll be able to get some money for it at the garage sale.

Anyway...the long awaited before and after pics!
Before....

AFTER!!!!!

Do you hear the hallelujah chorus? I do.
Although this means i have to clean up my apartment from the disaster it is when i threw everything that was on top of the old tables.

The new headboard is still hanging out at my parents place where the last coats of varnish are curing. When that's done, i'll move it over and set up my bedroom. I'm sorry that i don't have pictures. Every time i thought about taking pictures, my hands were covered with stain, varnish or paint. but here's the starting point. Just so you note: the height of the frame that the mattress sits in is 13 inches off the ground at the top.


Also on the project docket: Covering paper ream boxes with wallpaper or contact paper so that i can have a uniform storage boxes on the upper shelf in my closet. Most of the boxes and baskets up there are falling apart. When i priced buying some boxes...i was astounded at the price for 1. I'm figuring that for roughly the same price as buying one, to be able to make at least three. Also, i'm going to reinforce the edges and seams with duct tape first. Mine will be virtually indestructible!

I'm well on my way to re-organizing my home!

Promised picture

I am SO beyond proud of this. First of what will eventually be a complete living room SET. Matching TV stand on it's way.

Down to the single digits

There are 9 days before NaNoWriMo kicks off. And I'm chomping at the bit. I'm ready to go, not in 9 days, but now. And the tension is driving me nuts.
Mostly because friends are asking me if I'm available some days in November. And when I reply with "nope, booked till December 1st", they look at me askance.
My family is trying to make family plans, preparation for Thanksgiving, as well as some home projects that they need help with. And I've had to be firm with my responses of "I have plans, I am not available. Period." Somehow, i think something has gone missing in translation.

Maybe I haven't laid this out clearly enough.

• NaNoWriMo is an online challenge to write 50,000 (FIFTY THOUSAND) words in the form of a novel.
  
• Now compress it down into 30 days.
• This breaks down to approximately 1,667 (One Thousand, Six Hundred and Sixty-Seven) words a day.
• That's approximately 3 pages, single spaced, 12 pt font, standard margins, in MS Word.
• The total is about 90-95 pages with the above specifications.
• The total is about equivalent to a 200 page book.
• All THAT....in just 30 DAYS!
  

• And to answer your question...yes, all of us are just a little bit nuts!

The site is set up kind of like a writer's guild. There's tools to help you write and develop your idea, people who have been doing this for all manner of years for advice, and a global friendly competition to keep you going at this breakneck speed. It's free, but the donations are aimed at A) keeping this going, and B) to develop writing curriculum in schools aimed towards creative writing.

There are no physical prizes for finishing. Just a "You Won!" notice on your profile. You don't get a trophy, no balloons and confetti, you don't get a check on cardboard which is bigger than you are.
What you do get is personal. It's internal satisfaction that no one can understand but you.

And that's worth it for me.

Two dozen roses or a flash drive?

My father is quite the charmer when he feels like it. He can come up with the most romantic ideas and plans for them sometimes years in advance. My mother, is rather known for all but ruining them.

Take their 25th wedding anniversary.

My father saved all of his pocket change for 4 years, finally cashed it in and bought her a beautiful ring to go with her wedding band. He meticulously picked out all 5 diamonds for exceptional sparkle and personally chose the setting. He then whisked her away for a trip to Maui. He had his long time friend from the army and his wife join them. While they distracted her there, he did extensive recon to find a restaurant with a sunset view, and made the reservations. Just as the sun was going down, my father reached into the camera pouch to pull out the ring box. When he looked back up, my mother was already halfway out the door with the camera to take pictures of the sunset. His buddy and wife were too stunned to say anything. THe waiters who were in on it were shocked too. By the time my mother returned, everyone was trying not to chuckle as my dad finally handed her the ring box. She was immensely pleased...both with the ring and the pictures she took.

But nothing compares to the time he came home for no reason with two dozen red roses and a brand new flash drive back when those things were brand spankin' new. My mom promptly pounces on the proffered flash drive and takes it out of the package while my dad is still there holding the roses. The family got a good laugh out of that one.

I called my parents last night to let them know my brand new laptop had arrived a week early. My mother was excited and asked me all sorts of technical questions as i was only too delighted to answer them. My father in the background asked what was up. When she told him, there was silence. I think Dad has come to realize that given the presence of new technology, like mother like daughter...we tend to get a little over obsessively enthusiastic. And it's not really something he understands. I bet he was chuckling to himself remembering as I did the day when I got my first flashdrive and flowers on my birthday. I too...seized the flashdrive first.

So yes, my new laptop has arrived. My last one has served me faithfully for over 5 years through both high school and college. But lately i have realized that I'm growing out of it. I need more room, more capabilities, and most importantly, the ability to leave a wall for more than 10 minutes. I realize i could simply buy a new battery and call it good, but I made the investment anyway. It's time. I can only hope to have as good an experience with this one as my previous laptop.

Countdown to NaNo 2009

Some of you may recall last year I spent all of November obsessively involved with NaNoWriMo. National Novel Writing Month. Well, November is in sight and I've made the decision to commit to my second year.

I wrote stories starting exceedingly young. My stories were never very intricate, as predictable as they come, with the same kind of characters and always had a happy ending. But I always had a story of some kind deep in the works.

As I grew older, I developed the opinion that if you're going to bother reading a book, it should take you away from what you know to be real. If anything can happen in a book, why read non-fiction? Sure some people's lives are interesting, riveting, or horrific...but reading about someone's day to day life; just never appealed to me. I'd rather read about dragons, magic, warriors fighting for a cause they believe in down to their core, talking animals, spaceships crossing the galaxies and finding life far beyond our tiny little corner of space. If anything is possible in a book, why not escape reality as we know it?

I always wanted to get published. Just once...even if it wasn't a best seller, or a story that many ever read. But I never seemed to land on a story that could get me there. I always had trouble writing past a certain point. I would get right up to a climax...then realize that i didn't have one. AT all. At that point, usually the story would fizzle and disappear into a desk drawer or an obscure file on my computer.

Then came NaNo 2008. It started out as something i had heard my friends talking about. In great detail. 50,000 words in 30 days. Seemed daunting. I knew i could write the recommended number of words per day. My trouble was doing so in a story format. Because i knew, if i wrote that much...I'd have to end the story, or be close to doing so. My friend colin had been doing it for several years, and won 3 out of 4 times. I read his stories and they were great if a bit chaotic. But at the speed he was writing, I didn't blame him. So I signed up. I like challenges.

What I never expected was to win my first time round. Sure I was going to try my darnedest...but I sat back when i crossed the 50k line 3 days early and just blinked a few times because I wasn't quite sure that the number was correct.
I never expected to meet people from all walks of life also doing this challenge and to become friends with them all. From people who worked high up in local Microsoft, to the housewife with some extra time on her hands. Just out of college to high school drop outs. And their stories were as varied as their faces. For the first time, my writing wasn't being graded or judged. It didn't matter because it was all in good fun. And fun was something that was never lacking.

This year, there are going to be a few changes.

1. I started on a story idea soon after Nano ended. It didn't get very far, but has extreme potential. I'm going to continue the story, but not count the 5,500 words which have already been written in the challenge. So in the end, i hope to have a story which is closer to 60,000 words.
   
2. Last year, I sort of fell into a leadership role. I arranged for meet ups, write ins and talk outs, as well as a after-celebration. It seemed to go well and didn't affect my writing at all. I'm going to take a more serious hold of this role this year and hopefully get more local writers to join our group.
3. My main character this year is going to be different from anyone i've ever written. She's not all powerful, desired by all, strong and independent. She's more the kind of person that things just happen to and she takes everything as best as she can.
   
4. I'm also going to work on more research, to make my story more believable. This means talking to professionals, learning from them, and observing their behaviors and tactics in their day to day lives. I want my story to have merit. Not just plausible circumstances.

It's a new year, new challenge, new circumstances. I hope to be joined by old members as well as new. Let the friendly competition begin.

The injured invalid update

As many of you have probably heard or gathered, I have a serious injury on my right hand. Turns out, serrated bread knives cut through meat as easily as their steak counterparts. lol.

To set the record straight as various exaggerations have come back to me:

• No, i didn't cut my hand off entirely
• No, none of my fingers were severed either
• There is a deep laceration on the fatty part of my thumb where it joins back up with the rest of the hand
• No, i didn't sever the tendon and still have use and feeling in my thumb
• No, i'm not going to post pictures.
  
• Yes, it really really still hurts and is healing slowly.
• I'm expecting to get the stitches out next wed/thurs
• I'll probably have the bandages on for a couple weeks after that.

Typing is rather uncomfortable for me so I've been building this entry over several days.

The trip to New York is off in lieu of medical bills much to my disappointment. However when you're bleeding like i was, not getting to the ER is a less than brilliant idea. And medical costs are out of control even if you're lucky enough to have insurance. So looks like New York will have to wait....again.

My heartfelt thanks goes out to my former neighbor Mike for dropping everything and taking me. And to those who have come or called daily to see how i'm doing. No worries...i'll be back to my usual self soon.

Oh...and Vicodin ROCKS!

Good grief, what a whirlwind

So many things to update. Be prepared for a long post.

Biggest update; I'M MOVED IN!!! to the most gorgeous apartment ever with a hands down awesome roommate who sings in the car with me! It can't get better than this! Down to folding residual laundry and going through papers and I'll have my life back. Now if only i could get Auto-piolet to turn off when going home from work....

Also; my aunt is in town from New York this week with my cousin Mikey, so it's been a insane roller coaster ride of food, walking around, shopping, and more commonly yelling, squabbling, and accents so thick, sometimes you can't understand them. We totally seem like the dysfunctional east coast family but we're as thick as thieves and i love it.
We've done tours of downtown Seattle, predominantly Pike Place Market. She loves the vendors and all the interesting things to see. We all ended up with a bunch of interesting knick knacks. After that it was marathon shopping. My feet were singing a unhappy tune by the end of the day. My aunt and sister think i'm the odd one because I ended up buying one shirt throughout the whole day.
And no matter what else happens that day, I love hearing my aunt squak when I grab the check out of her hands for dinner and grin at her no matter how much she protests. She hasn't quite gotten the point that I'm not going to let her pay while she's on vacation.

One of the best parts about Aunt Maria coming into town, is that my work-aholic dad is all but forced to stop working at the island and we're all able to actually enjoy it for an entire day. I invited Kelsie down on Sunday for the BBQ and we spent the greater majority of it in the water. I raise my glass to itallian blood which doesn't let me burn in the sunlight. And to STILL being the only person who hasn't been knocked off of the inner-tube with our boat despite the newer and much more powerful motor.

Katherine, the incessent sore in my side, will soon be gone. I discovered that it doesn't appear that i paid a deposit when i moved in. So i went and did nothing more than a courtesy cleaning and left. I wiped down everything and vacuumed. That was it. Today, i gathered the last bit of my mail, put a vacant notice in the mailbox, turned in my keys and last little bit of rent that I owe. I'm done with that place. The only interaction remaining with Katherine and I is signing the deposit refund (if there even is one since i didn't bother to patch the tiny holes i did make) and sending it off her way.
Before you get your panties in a twist over that, let me explain something real quick that i learned. Katherine and her first roommate at this place, went in half-sies on the 400 deposit. When the first roommate left, she never got the deposit back. And the second roommate and myself never paid one. So no matter what, Katherine is getting back more money that she put in. So if there's some deductions, i want them to be out of that extra she's trying to get her greedy little hands on.

It's been a hard lesson to learn this past year. And i'm not so naieve as to think it's one i'll never have to experiance again.

Katherine's actions truely have had serious effect on me, my spirit, and my bank account over the last 8 months. I've had a stress knot on my shoulder, i've cried more often than ever before and i was forced to dip into my savings thanks to her. I spend hours going back and forth about wanting to write her a letter and enclose it with the final deposit check detailing her infractions, and letting her know once and for all exactly what i think of her.
As always, my two sides are making very good arguments:

• I need closure
• It's not worth my time and effort
• She's so naieve that maybe it's high time someone told her off
• Who cares? she's not my problem anymore
• I don't want her thinking that we're still friends or even friendly
• You can also just block her emails and phone calls
• I need to vent off all this frustration on the right target
• Never put anything in writing that which you wouldn't let Grandma read
• All my younger friends seem to think this is a good idea
• All my older friends/mentors don't think this is a good idea.
  
• I hate her
• Emotion has no place in a business relationship.

I still don't know what i'm going to do at this point. At the very least i'm sure that a letter is going to get written. It's more of whether it goes in the mail or gets burned, that's in question now.

Other updates include:

• Happy birthday to my friend Colin.
• I need to stop burning the candle at both ends
• Getting the internet to work at my new place should NOT be like pulling teeth
• and I'm trying to plan on going to New York over laborday weekend.
  

Apartment Adventures

I'm happy to announce that my credit and background checked out just fine and I'm signing onto the lease tonight unless I hear otherwise and then it's just a matter of rescheduling rather than changing minds.

It's not that I was worried per se. But over the last months, when i was 99% sure everything was going to be fine, it was that 1% which screwed me over repeatedly. So I've been walking around like I'm waiting for the ax to fall all weekend. Even my sister found out just how on edge I've been. Saturday night held only 2.5 hours of sleep for me. On the other hand I finished a book cover to cover.

I've developed a highly strategic plan of attack on my apartment. Now all i require is the energy after work each day to actually execute this plan.
...And BOXES!

Preemptive

This time last year my life was in a whirlwind. I was preparing for graduation, for moving out, for a million things. I was having panic attacks and crying a lot. I was terrified of life outside of the familiar cushioned existence in my parent's house. But I knew i would have to eventually stand on my own two feet. I gave myself a year to prove that I could survive on my own. This meant no help from my parents, my sister, my friends, or any potential boyfriends (which later i decided was too much to deal with and scratched that off my list for this year). I wanted to prove to myself. Call it selfish, call it silly...but it was something i needed to do.

A year later:
I have successfully lived on my own for just short of a year now.
This includes dealing with 4 separate living crisis, even preparing to go to court and not being manipulated by a more experienced tenant.
I researched, searched, found and bought my own first car and she's a beaut
I've survived multiple layoffs by proving I'm a valuable asset to my team
I haven't needed financial support from anyone.
I even dealt with a medical emergency
And most importantly; I've made 9 personal dreams come true.

Quite a successful year in my eyes.
And i'm determined that next year is going to be even better.

When I let go of what i am, I become what I may be.

This is the mantra that's been going through my head the last few days.
My weightloss journey hit a rather nasty hickup thanks to a very busy week and a half. I basically came home and slept for what few hours I could.
Between my sister's and dad's birthday, conveniently spaced just 4 days apart, friends, and other family obligations, as well as roommate....difficulties; I lost my stride. I went from running just about every day to none. My steady workout partner also had a busy couple of weeks and was unable to meet up. Making there even less of a urgent need to go to the gym.
That coupled with excessive pressure to eat eat eat at all these gatherings, and my lack of iron will against cheese ravioli in a cream sauce and Dairy Queen blizzards....
So without feeling like there was anyone holding me accountable, all my threads of discipline which I had wound tightly around myself over the last 3 months unraveled at a pace which, looking back, is unbelievable.
It finally occurred to me, as a severe (if short) bought with depression came and went, that I can't expect other people to hold me accountable to my own goals. Yes I realize this comes rather belated, but I've made some changes to the way I'm dealing with this process now.

1. My workout partner, although wonderful and encouraging....isn't the workout police. And I can't look to her to make myself get to the gym. I have two feet which work, and it's a matter of making time for it, just like I make time to watch a favorite show.
2. To hold MYSELF accountable to MYSELF, I've posted a chart where I can record daily what the scale reads. Blue for positive downward trends, Red for negative upward trends. I'm doing this instead of logging my food, because that's an annoying pain in the ass. I know when I eat things that aren't healthy, and the scale doesn't lie like a pen can.
3. I have a minimum of days where I work out from Sunday to Saturday. I can use them to go running, do core exercises, yoga, or soon to be swimming. Or any combination.
4. This is neat. www.WeightView.com A site that digitally re-images a picture of you (for FREE) to show you what you might look like if you lost X amount of weight. It basically gives you a visual goal. I plugged in 30, since it's a reasonable and attainable goal (not to mention it's a size i haven't been since junior high...as sad as that is) and these are the "possible results" :
   

My two reactions: "DAMN, that can't be just 30 lbs" then quickly followed by "HEY! where did my boobs go!?!?"
I'll post a real picture when i reach my goal (hopefully)

Do you speak Fish?

My cell phone is at the bottom of the lake. This was just the top of an all out crappy day.
Between my parents "not" fighting, my backwards, backwoods cousins showing up, and working my ass off, as well as a series of non serious injuries then the boat dying...
Really, it was EXACTLY how i wanted to spend one of the first nice days of this year.... NOT!
Then to top it all off, my cell phone decides to swan dive into aproximatly 50 feet of water.
Not that i'm so worried about loosing my cell phone and being without it for a while. Who gives a hoot? I'm devestated that gone with it are contacts and pictures of people and events that can never be recovered.

Things like 3 guys singing me "You've lost that loving feeling" because they are awesome and realized I had just been burned by my ex and wanted to cheer me up. Boys, i'll never forget you.

The view from Ocean Shores last August

Girls night at Salsa Dancing

Images from the night of "I AM A NINJA!!!! NOW HELP ME DOWN"

It's the first time i've ever actually LOST my phone and haven't been able to get it back. I don't know how i'm going to get back in touch with some of the contacts i have stored in there. That's what bothers me most.

The Five Stages of Grief

It's probably not a good idea to be writing this now while I'm still stuck solidly in the first stage which is anger, but I need to get this out or I'll spend the rest of my day with it going through my head and overwriting any function i need for my job.

My dear friend, adopted uncle, and esteemed colleague flagged me down this morning as i drove into work. He was on the phone at the time, but I put down my window and told me four words which essentially ruined my day. "I just got fired".

A little back story: Mark Telford came into the company on a contract with our copiers. He was their employee but worked on our site every day. Mark quickly earned not only my respect as a perfectionist, but my friendship as well with his no-nonsense but fun attitude. Before him, we had another site operator who was, sorry to say, completely useless. Mark was everything we needed and more with a smile and a joke.
But as it always seems now adays, those who are good at what they do, but don't kiss ass, don't get anywhere. Mark tried for a manager position within his company, and instead they hired in someone who needed help whiping his ass.
Now before you write my opinion of this manager off as animosity that my friend didn't get the job, let me explain a few things:

• Mark had more experiance doing the job he was doing, than the years this kid had been alive.
• Mark is a Ride Captain for the Patriot Guard Riders and has proven his managing skills in that, constantly.
• The quality of Mark's work is always important to him. I've personally seen him tweak things but 1/16 of an inch to make sure it's centered and all fits where it needs to.
  

whereas on the other hand:

• Mike shows up wearing a yellow hoodie with food spills on it. When i pointed it out to him, he lifts up his hoodie to show me he had a button down shirt underneath it. Which i promtly pointed out ALSO had stains on it and wasn't ironed. Professionability out the window.
  
• I was handed back a project which needed holes drilled in it with the back sheets all torn up because he didn't use the machine properly. And i'm a firm believer of you don't hand shoddy workmanship back to a customer because it's a reflection of yourself. And when i requested it be re-done...he looked at me blankly like "what's wrong with it?" I believe that a manager should be able to do the job beneath them and do it right.
  
• Mark went into the ER one day, and the only phone calls he recieved from Mike were "When are you comming back to work?"

He's a bonified jerk. I say this after having met with him, speaking with him, dealing with him, and observing his behavior towards Mark. I have ZERO respect for him and I am OUTRAGED that he would utterly twist Marks words to turn upper management against him.

Mike i have a message for you: Stay the fuck away from me or you'll get introduced to my right hook and she's more of a bitch than I am.

Mark, we will try everything we can to get you back here and in the meantime, I'll miss you very much.

Oragami and the ...art of Motorcycle Training

Yeah, the title is a rip off of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. (good book btw) But it's based off of current events in my life:
Origami is one of my favorite past times. I frequently will fold my napkin at restaurants, or the wrapper from a chocolate. If i have post-it notes near me when I'm in the company of children, I'll make a hopping frog. Much to my delight, word spread around work that i like doing origami...and now i have a huge supply of paper and books with new and interesting projects in it. I'm excited.
In other exciting news, I just registered for a Motorcycle Training course. A three day class that gives you hands on training on how to ride a motorcycle. Several things made this happen now.

• Riding a Moped along the sands of Ocean Shores was one of the most exhilerating and awesome experiances in my life. I enjoyed every moment of it, and topping the moped out at 40, wasn't fast enough for me.
  
• If I can learn a car clutch, I can learn a motorcycle clutch.
• I have a great support system with my sister. Our dad specifically told his girls that he forbid us to get a motorcycle. What does my sister do? Get's a motorcycle. When i called her to talk about it, and ask her if she would be willing to let me use her motorcycle every now and then, she agreed, provided we can figure out insurance. This means i won't have to buy a motorcycle right away until i decide it's right for me.
  
• I have a willing riding partner. As a matter of fact, there is little doubt in my mind that I'll be the one saying "no thanks, not today" more often than he will. Thanks for the offer Mark.
• Admitting that you're still scared of motorcycles because of a not so bad accident that you walked away from when you were 14 is humiliating. If i can take a fall off of a galloping horse, and get back on; i should be able to learn how to ride a motorcycle, conquer my fear instead of letting it consume me.

All in all, I'm excited for the class even though i have to wait until May to get in. At least the weather will be much more pleasant than it is currently. I swear if i wake up to ice one more day...i'm going to scream! I want sun! Warmth! Hell, i'd settle for warm rain!