Mom's insinuations

At my brother's birthday party, my mother and I got into a discussion that had been stewing for a long while. Thankfully this didn't happen in front of my brother, thus ruining his party, but it was one of those things that just couldn't stop once it started.

My family owns an island cottage. It's beautiful out there, with fresh water, fishing, swimming, and several generations of bald eagles that fish just a handful of feet off our dock. It's the perfect place to relax and I've spent the last 5 years, one day every weekend throughout each summer, working very hard out there. Since it's an old cabin, it needs repair and maintenance. So we work, then we play.

At age 20, I started asking if I could bring some of my girl-friends down there and spend the night (I'm female and interested in men so there was no issue of musical beds). My request was met with "Not without a chaperon". That same year, my brother (2 years my senior) was allowed to go down with his girlfriend, a buddy, and that buddy's girlfriend....unchaperoned. I know this was a double standard, and in itself, unfair; but I let it go and just dealt with it, biding my time.

Now two years later, I'm the same age as my brother was, and I wanted a mixed gender party down there with friends I've known since junior high, unchaperoned. Again, this group is not the kind that play musical beds. We just want to hang out and laugh and enjoy ourselves.

While my brothers went outside for a smoke, my mother took the opportunity to tell me no, not without a chaperon. My brother's girlfriend who had been out there when they went 2 years ago, was present for this discussion. When I asked my mother why...she began to imply that we would not comply with her wishes. I asked her directly what her wishes were. She said to quote: "I don't want you screwing around out there".

I understand that it's her house and her rules, and I've given her my word on four separate occasions that I will comply for those reasons. But in this instances, it's a non-issue. I don't have a boyfriend at the moment, I don't sleep around and I am most certainly not going to do so with long time friends (plural).

And because of that, I decided there had been enough beating around the bush about this. I told her I felt she was implying that I was a whore and that she had a double standard with this. This was clearly a direct attack on me since none of my other siblings were around. She told me there was no double standard and that it wasn't a direct attack. I know she hasn't had this same conversation with any of my other siblings. So I know she's either delusional, or trying to make herself sound better than she really is.

I felt very bad for my brother's girlfriend who got caught up in the middle of this and decided to take a walk around the block and then stay away from my mother for the rest of the night and instead concentrate on making my brother's party fun and enjoyable for everyone else. My brother's girlfriend told me she was not going to come to our house for a while because of the way my mom behaved and that she agreed with me and said I handled it very well. I don't really care one way or another on that, but my mom crossed the line both with me, and against the girlfriend.

I'm turning 22 within this month. I live on my own, I own my own car, live my own life, am true to my word and don't answer to her for my personal choices. I feel it is VERY wrong for her to dangle the cottage as a treat so long as I live the life she decides I should. I've worked just as hard, if not harder, as she has there, have agreed multiple times to comply with the rules of the cabin, but never been trusted. At this point, I'm insulted and hurt enough to write my mother off.

The only reason I wouldn't is because of my father. He trusts me, respects me and is realistic. He's been the chaperon and usually, once he decides to go to bed, he puts in earplugs and goes to sleep and trusts me to behave because there is no reason not to.

I will not be unfoundedly treated as untrustworthy, as a tramp, or with this level of disrespect especially from my mother. How can I resolve this to some kind of cordial relationship? This will be the end unless something changes. I want to be able to enjoy the island and have a nice relationship with her but she's making it impossible.