Mein Kampf

It means My Struggle/Battle. It's also the title of a book written by Adolf Hitler. (no worries, I'm not a fan at all)
I was walking in a used bookstore the other day and for some reason thought of this book and the title's translation stuck with me.

I've been having a lifelong struggle/battle with my weight. I know this is nothing new or spectacular or even unique in any way given the population of a large chunk of the world. But for me, it's hard to be myself when I've seen myself in reflections of windows, mirrors and even in pictures. It affects my personality and my happiness.
I hear my friends tell me that their doctors recommend they loose weight (maybe 20 lbs if that) or that they're worried about how they look in their size 6 jeans. I have to look at them and shake my head and try not to let my little green monster of jealousy bite their heads off. Since several people constantly demean my frustrations with their whining....here's why i yell at thin women when they keep telling me they NEED to loose weight. It's not a matter of need, it's a matter of want. You want your favorite pair of pants to fit better, you want the attention.
My struggle is different:
Here's my struggle. This isn't vanity, or one upping. This is fact.

My weight as of Monday morning: 222.3lbs

My doctor has told me that i need to loose over 100 lbs to reach my ideal body weight of 117lbs.

I'm also at severe risk for hypertension, high blood pressure, diabetes, and complications with my lower joints (knees, hips etc) if i gain more than 10 more lbs from where i'm at now.

My collapsing has been linked to my weight as much as breathing habits.

100 lbs. A daunting task to say the least. Much easier to eat that comforting pint of chocolate ice cream in the freezer or to revel in the flavor of extra buttered popcorn.
Here's the worst part of it. When i obsess over exercise and caloric intake....i gain weight. When i don't worry about it and occasionally have that extra buttered popcorn...i maintain. Never going down by more than a few lbs.
I'm always moving especially at work where there's stairs everywhere. I lug binders around to all the different buildings, run paperwork with urgent status. At home, I've been doing yoga and palliates. Still no results.

I'm not unrealistic. I know these things take time and hard work. There is no such thing as instant results and i have a lifetime of bad habits to overcome. I know I have a stocky build regardless of my weight. I know I'll never be considered thin. And for me, that's ok.

For me, it's become a battle for healthy. A battle for being able to keep up with the kids i babysit all day long. A battle for my happiness to come back through. It's a battle, one i won't give up on.

One day at a time....I'll try to overcome mein kampf and try not to loose meine hoffnung (my hope).