The cleanse

This year sucked. Plain and simple. 9 months of constantly adjusting took so much out of me. And I did a lot of it under a bevy of disharmony. I refuse to live like this anymore. So it's time to put an end to all of the stress I'm still carrying with me. So here is my final vent on last year. This is meant to cleanse my mind so i can move on. I'll be taking care of cleansing my soul and body later.
In college, i took a psychology course from a teacher that really knew her stuff. I loved the class. It was supposed to be difficult, but it seemed to click and i pulled out some of the top test scores. Of course, I passed the class with a C- due to the fact that i 100% forgot about the midterm paper. The day we turned them in, I was looking around going "Oh Crap!" with nothing in my hands but air.
In the class, one thing i remember was Maslow's Hierarchy.
Basically, if you think of it like an actual structure...each level is only as stable as the one below it. And if your foundation, (food, water, shelter, the essentials for life) is constantly in flux, so is the rest of your life. It turns into a game of Jenga; how long till the pieces fall apart? For instance: the last time i did something creative, was in November. Before all of this nightmare started; when i didn't know where i would be living at the end of every month, or who with, or if Katherine would actually pay her rent.

I know that i'm tired of comparing Kelsie and Katherine. Yet can't seem to stop. I'm hoping that getting all of it out of my head will help.

The final paperwork has been dealt with and hopefully will not pop it's ugly head up again. I truly hope to never hear from Katherine again. I'm not really sure why the numbers in the end played out the way they did, but I'm not complaining :-) It left me with a returned check for the last 8 days, and Katherine didn't get her old roommate's half of the original deposit. I feel like for the first time, justice prevailed.

I find myself, living again with someone whom I barely know and have no basis for trust. And despite all signs pointing to "You can trust Kelsie" my rational side still remains conservative. Both of us lived alone for a while and got used to the freedoms and liberties that comes with having absolute control over your domicile. Now again, we have to remember to compromise and communicate. While so far, the friction we have experienced has been barely perceptible, I can't help but look back at how i felt living with Katherine.

I thought I could trust her too. I thought she was too nice to try and screw me over. She promised me that I could treat the apartment as though it was half mine. Yet my normal habits became a matter of contention. I wasn't able to fold the couch blanket JUST right. I didn't leave the sliding door open enough for her cat to get out in the dead of winter when there was 10 inches of snow on the porch and the cat looked at her like "yeah, right, me? get my feet cold? i think not!" I tried to be compromising, but ended up all but barricaded in my room. Everything became a discussion which was basically her telling me how it was going to be. To which I ignored and continued to behave in a reasonably courteous manner.

With Kelsie, she seems to be less rigid and more open to merging our belongings. I didn't find myself with all of my stuff left stored at my parents house. This isn't to say that things might not change, but I'm trying to remain optimistic. And while she no doubt was there first, I haven't run into the mass amounts of opposition at simple changes so far. Mostly the change was necessary because she's a good deal taller than I am.

Dealing with Katherine always seemed to be an endless downward spiral. Yet i seem to have found the end of the string. I rode the emotional and mentally exhausting roller coaster rides, I held on to my convictions and now i sit, holding that metaphorical string end in my hands unable to let go because of how wronged my emotional side felt. So it's time to analyze with my rational side.

• Basics: Food was never an issue, my parents always say if you leave our house hungry, it's your own fault. Water, also never an issue. I have shelter and i know where I'll be living at the end of the month. I don't think i can accurately convey how much of a relief that simple fact is.
• Safety: I've lived with Kelsie for nearly 2 months. She has given me no reason to doubt that her portion of the rent will be paid on time. And we have a written agreement which protects both of us should something happen. Our place is in an overall safe city, safe part of town and there really is only one point of entry which we are both vigilant in locking up.
• Belonging: I have some great friends, some good friends, and some ok friends, but at least i have you all. Love has not really entered my life this last year but maybe that Jenga piece will fall back into place as soon as I'm ready.
• Esteem: All i can say is that i'm happy and proud to be standing on the other side of the downward spiral...because it goes back up from here.
• Self-Actualization: This is what a lot of people refer to as feeding your soul. I haven't been able to draw, paint, sculpt, write, or create for so long. There was too much stress or fatigue or my own schedule in the way. And it's the part of me that i missed the most. It's part of what defines me, and makes me happy.
  

The only way to recapture who I am is to let go of this pitiful thread of the past and pick up a paintbrush or a pencil instead. I think at this point, the paintbrush is looking more appealing.