Lapping everyone on the couch

My last post, i talked about all the changes that made the second half of my 2013 year SUCK. Needless to say, i wasn't focusing on ME at any point. I knew i was getting heavier and stress eating. So I avoided the scale and stairs like the plague.

About a week after Jon proposed, (so we're still back in November) we were scheduled to participate in a "get your numbers" health promotion which i was not looking forward to one bit. You go in, get poked and prodded and they give you your health numbers. Weight, BP, cholesterol, etc. Then counsel you on how to be healthy. Yeah, sounds like super duper fun, right?

But Jon wanted to do it especially with his workload he hadn't been taking care of himself either, and we both knew we needed and wanted to get our eating habits back in control. This would be a perfect opportunity to find our starting point. I put on a brave face, knowing my blood pressure numbers would make the nurse look at me in horrified shock. And indeed, he looked me square in the eye and said something cautionary about the variety of ways it could kill me too young.

But it wasn't until I got a reassuring look from Jon from across the room, that something clicked in my mind.

I'm getting married to this amazing man, and we only get the rest of our lives to be together. Do I want to cut that short?

Here was this future, that I had never considered the correlation with my health, staring me in the face. It wasn't all about getting thin for a wedding dress, though even I'll admit it's spurring some early extra effort. But my main reasons now are to live and spend as much time as possible with Jon. To be healthy enough to have children. Being healthy enough to help them grow and learn to be healthy as well.

I don't know why it took getting engaged for me to reach this realization. But, i hit my crossroads and turned to the harder path of weight-loss.

That week (still in November), i finally went to my doctor and to a local gym. In the past, I had dangerous collapsing issues. Aside from blood pressure, doctors couldn't figure out why it was happening. I tried to get my blood pressure under control, but i wasn't rich enough to handle the cost of multiple visits to the doctor. So i just tried to ignore it til it went away. Doctor Shiva-the-destroyer (she's scary when she's mad) seemed dubious that this time my resolve was real, but she started the process to control my blood pressure and approved me to start a workout regimen under a trainer's supervision.

The gym was all too happy to sign me up early before adding me to Jon's insurance. They assigned me a trainer named Ally, who was a former nurse, for a trial personal trainer session. She was one of those ladies that clearly has never been overweight and is determined to be your own personal cheerleader for the smallest things. I found her extremely annoying. Those "i know you can do it"s were just frustrating. My experience told me that just when i thought i was doing it, i would collapse, stop breathing, and probably konk my head on the way down.

She had me do a maneuver i had told her had caused tunnel vision in the past (my warning signal), so clearly something i already didn't want to do. And sure enough, i was breathing hard and very nervous when she got down on her knees in front of me and said "I'm right here, i'm not going to let anything happen."

I believed her. Really, truly, fundamentally BELIEVED her. For the first time, i felt i could trust a stranger to see just how much this scared me. I couldn't help myself, i started tearing up. We talked past our allotted time and she kept saying: "The hardest thing you have to do, is come back the next few times. Despite the soreness, despite the worry, despite the scheduling. Make it happen the next few times and it will start getting easier."

By that point i was so emotionally raw, that i was almost ready to believe her if she said the moon was made of cheese. Almost :). But it made sense, so i bit the bullet and committed to SIX MONTHS of the 1/2 hour trainer sessions 2x a week. I had gotten a promotion and a raise which certainly helped a LOT with the budgeting, but i knew i had to make it work. Plus the six months was now paid for so my frugal side was now determined to get my money's worth.

I wasn't sore after the first workout, but the second, third, fifth, tenth....oh yeah! I could barely move for the first month after every session and i was convinced my workouts were negated by the couch potato i was becoming because i was too sore to move. I complained incessantly to Jon about how i hated being sore every minute of every day in every place imaginable.

And it was HARD. Hard going in and watching fit women strut around in their workout bras and short shorts (Strange that even my perception of fit women has changed, I used to call them "twigs", so rude of me). Hard trying to find workout clothes in my size (come on, if we're supposed to get down to those sizes, give us cute clothes to start with!). Hard changing your eating habits from chocolate to dried fruit. Hard going into a yoga studio with 15 other thin people who don't know what it's like to have your boobs try to smother you in bridges or twist yourself into a pretzel with fat thighs getting in the way!

I don't know who you are, but you rock lady!

But with Ally's reminders at the end of every session "just come back", and the money already spent...i kept going in and teasing her about what new torture she had in store for me today. The first month, i thought i saw or felt a few changes, but it was nothing i could point at and say "it's gone!". The second month, i noticed that certain spots were less squishy, and i had bulges from muscles that were not there before. And then i realized recently, that i wanted more; I wasn't even tired after the 30 minute sessions. So i asked Ally for more butt-kicking.

It's been 3 months with Ally's ministrations and keeping my blood pressure in check.

• I'm just a few pounds shy of my first 20lbs
• I can do a full set of 10 pushups
• I can do almost 45 seconds of planks
• I'm not gasping for breath at the top of the stairs of our 3rd floor apartment
• I'm doing yoga weekly, increasing my flexibility and endurance
• I've only had 2 dizzy spells but no collapses. 
• My energy level has skyrocketed
• I can take my jeans off without unbuttoning
• Subsequently, I now require a belt
• Both Jon and I are eating healthier
• Co-workers have started commenting that i look like i've lost weight. 

In the scope of my goals, this is only the beginning. There's a long way to go and i'm thankful every day for Ally being my personal trainer and cheerleader. I'm thankful Jon is so supportive: Jon even signed up for his own trainer and regimen citing me as inspiration. "If you can do what you're doing with all the extra health crap on top...i have no excuse."

Don't think i've ever been someone's health inspiration before. It's still so tempting to eat a pint of ice cream, or an entire bucket of extra butter popcorn. It would be SO easy to just go back to ignoring it.
I don't think i'll ever WANT to workout over a netflix marathon. Or consider half a sandwich a meal. But it's becoming easier to make the choice for the healthier options.

For now, i know that i'm re-upping on the personal trainer sessions when the six months expires. I'm not confident enough to workout alone with the risk of collapsing still there. I'm thrilled to be seeing some tangible results, but I'm not satisfied yet. I never expect to be super thin or on the cover of a fitness magazine. Heck if i manage to make it to size 10, i'll be thinner than i've been since i hit puberty. Even if i'm never running around in a pushup bra and short shorts, just getting my body healthy will be enough for me. I just want to be healthy enough to live out my life.

Oh, and do the splits again. Yeah, that would be awesome at any weight.

Been a while...Been a crappy summer

I haven't posted anything since June 18th. that's over 6 months now. I had an immensely crappy summer followed by an even worse fall, then November hit and there was an even bigger surprise. Mostly there was so much going on that i never had the emotional time to get all my thoughts out into a post. The rest of it was not the sort of things i want the details of all over the internet. I'll try to tell the stories as best i can without revealing too much.

In my last post, i talked all the things that were gone.

Such as Boyfriend Jon's work schedule. That started in April....and didn't end until late October. 12 hour days, almost every day of the week. He was exhausted and frustrated nearly all the time. To each of our credit, we only had one blowout where our emotional turmoil got the best of us and we took it out on each other verbally. But even that only lasted one angry phone call and we made up a few hours later. I don't want to sound like i'm a needy clingy person...but i missed him whenever he was gone. Our time to be together became infrequent but precious. Still we managed to get in a few camping trips and a couple weekends where literally all we did was simply BE at home together.
Of course...when the schedule ended, it was weird. And i ended up having to ask him to be out of the house so i could finish his christmas gifts without him seeing. A compromise was found where i worked behind a screen (a folding table leaning up against the couch blocking my work from his view...but he could still see my face).

Another thing is gone...and all i can say is good riddance. Someone i care about deeply was in a relationship with...well....the only way i can think of him now is as a con artist. Because that's what he did. He came in like a whirlwind and swept a very grounded person off her feet. He charmed her and wooed her and even put a ring on her finger.
But then things started to sour over the summer. He had tales of woe about his finances and he worked all the time. He was a very private person so he didn't want her talking to others about the problems he was having. So quietly, she helped fund so many things for him. Because she loved him, completely. Even moved to a different city, into a house that was awful for her elderly dog and had spiders infesting the lawn....but the money started running out. And things started to get worse. We all knew something was up, but she wouldn't tell us any details.
And one day...in an email...he ended everything and said he was moving out and only showed up once more to get his stuff, clearly having tried to time it so she wouldn't be there.
With a lot of coaxing, the whole story started coming out. The family and the friends were all shocked. We had all been conned by his entrancing stories, the seemingly unbreakable devotion he displayed for her, the simple fact that she was completely in love. He conned everyone, myself included, and shattered her heart.

So we did what friends and family do best. We circled the wagons around her and helped her get back on her feet. We talked, hugged, and helped until she was grounded again.
I'm so proud to say that she used this crappy experience to change careers into something that made her happy (and made her more money), she moved out of that house and into a new temporary place until she can move back to the city that suits her personality, and she is making plans to go back to school. She really channeled her anger and hurt into a very positive path.

Fast forward to September, and i'll tell you the rest of my crappy 6 months.

My uncle fell off his deck onto his head/shoulder area. Even worse luck...his head managed to find a single loose brick on the ground for it to land on.
Thankfully, someone was home and heard the crash and found him almost immediately so he was able to get help right away.
The tally of injuries were as follows: His left ear was nearly severed, a massive concussion, broken collarbone and shoulder blade, 5 broken ribs on his left side and 2 on his right, and he somehow managed to rip his toenail off. He was on a breathing and feeding tube for 2 full weeks, and in the ICU at Harborview for 2 months, then he was kept in the Acute care for an additional month. Thankfully the amazing doctors and nurses and PT trainers did an amazing job and my uncle is almost back to his usual self.
During this time, tempers and emotions were high to put things mildly. Somehow my mother and I ended up trying to be the peace keepers between certain members of the families, both working from opposite angles. That took up every ounce of my mental and emotional strength since i could see both sides merits and shortcomings.

I celebrated the day my uncle was able to go home with some reservations. I was so so so happy that he had recovered enough to go home. But i worried about the emotional healing and the fortitude of several parties involved.
Things seem to have found an unsteady equilibrium, but i check in every now and then to see if i can lend an ear or a different perspective.

Then when i thought i couldn't take another major change, November 1st hit.

Standing in front of my NaNoWriMo group of dear friends, Boyfriend Jon, not typically a big speech maker,  put his arm around me and started a countdown, explaining all our milestones:

6 NaNoWriMo's have been done while we've known each other
5 NaNo's that we've done together as a couple
4 year anniversary
3 cheers for all the work i put into my meetings
2 writers in love
1 simple question

and he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.

to which i replied, with my usual eloquence,..."oh hell yeah."

Honestly, i could never have gotten through the shit storm that was my 2013 summer and fall without him by my side. And it was an amazing turn around from all the awfulness to have something so wonderful to celebrate.

I listened to my grandmother's uncouth advice when i picked him: "Will you still love him when he farts and has sagging parts?" and the answer is yes. I've never imagined being married to anyone until i met him. there was always a family, but the future husband was always faceless and abstract in my daydreams. Now i see Jon, clearly, across the daydreamed dinner table with kids screaming about not wanting to eat peas, and i can already hear the jokes he's going to crack. Or the calm and sage advice he'll pull out just when i'm ready to tear my hair out over a really bad day. I don't need a diamond and a huge party. I just need him with me to face whatever the future brings.

So it is my pleasure to introduce you to my Betrothed.

Gone

These last couple have weeks have been all about people being gone.

Boyfriend Jon is working harder than ever this summer. Since i leave for work before 7am and he's starting to frequently get home between 8-9pm, i hardly see him. To give credit where credit is due. Boyfriend Jon took on some extra chores to help out and i've been seeing random bouquets often, so i know he's thinking of me as much as i'm thinking of him.

It's weird having my live in-best friend gone all the time. It makes me thankful for Kira-dog to make sure i have company even if she just ignores me when i talk to her. He finally walks in and flops on the couch just in time for me to announce i need to head to bed so i can get up again for work. Often our only interactions are a few emails during the day, and a brief summary of our days before bed.

But what we lack in interaction during the week we more than make up for on the weekends. Boyfriend Jon has been serenading me with his ukulele, following me to family functions, going with me to the dog parks, and even trying to bake something together.

Allow me to segue into our "I Love Lucy-esque Malasada Blob Fiasco". We decided it would be fun to try to make Malasadas (Portuguese doughnut that is so popular in Hawaii that the day before lent is known as Malasada Day). We probably should have known that we were in trouble when the recipe called for 9 teaspoons of yeast, 12 eggs and 5lbs of flour.
But we pushed on in ignorance...having to get creative with my kitchenaid to fit all these ingredients in the bowl. Then came the blob as all that yeast got to work and it spilled over the sides of the largest aluminum pan we could find at the grocery store.
It was at this point Boyfriend Jon started singing the "i love lucy" theme song making us both laugh hysterically. Plus the dough was sticky, gloopy, and got all over the place as we tried to drop clumps into hot oil without burning ourselves. The end result was pretty tasty, b
ut we had at least 100 malasadas for 7 people.

There's another person in my life who is gone. Leila Ball, whom i always called grandma, passed away last week. Even though technically she's only my cousin's grandma. So....grandma in law? But since we spent our childhoods together, i and my brother Johnny got rolled into the Grandkids group. The news was expected since she was 90+ with cancer and having a very rough time of it. While i will miss her gentle voice at our family gatherings, i'm glad she's no longer in pain.


And finally there's another missing piece of my life. My father retired and decided he wanted to travel the USA immediately after. So they've packed up and left my childhood home behind headed for Idaho, Yosemite, South Dakota, Georgia, Virginia, and New York. For a month and a half, my parents...who are totally homebodies and rarely leave a 5 mile radius...are completely gone. Out of state, incommunicado, gone.

I like to think i don't rely on them very much, but knowing that Boyfriend Jon scoffs whenever i say that....it's very weird to know they're gone. My brother will be house sitting soon, but i went over last night to check on the house and was overwhelmed by this creepy feeling of a dead silent house. Coming from a 6 person family, that house has never in my life been that quiet. Sure I've been over there when there's no one home, but even then, the furnace or AC is on, my mom's computer whirring. Perhaps it was just my imagination, but the profound silence creeped me out!

I'm certain that myself, my siblings, my cousins, and Boyfriend Jon will all adjust just fine to the sudden changes, but the suddenness of so many things being gone
all at once really hit me last night, standing in the silence and heat of a house that no one calls home right now. It feels like something big just happened yet i know it's no big deal.

Weird Zombie Apocalypse feeling

When Boyfriend Jon and i first started dating, we would play a small game. In only minor seriousness, we would compare our various survival skills and try to figure out how we would survive in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Even now, when we talk about skill building, we talk about it in terms of if it would be "useful" and by useful, we both know what we mean.

No we don't actually believe that there will be Resident Evil style zombies, but more that there will be a distinct lack of all the modern conveniences, and that people will become desperate for the most basic things.  We both worry that if there ever is an apocalypse, that the knowledge and skills of our ancestors will be entirely lost, and humanity will struggle to survive. We both want to be strong contenders IF this were ever to happen.

Boyfriend Jon is a boy scout, avid camper, and gets really animated when talking about movies, books or tv shows that discuss how people's "real world" skills would be pretty much useless if there was ever a disaster. (Like a mechanic would be more valuable than say a tax auditor).

I grew up with a scouting family. Both my parents have been scout masters, both brothers were scouts. My parents never saw the need to put me in Girl Scouts since i pretty much went wherever the boys did anyway. We started primitive camping when i was seven and i never regretted it. Where else in this day and age do you learn how to live for extended periods without any modern conveniences?

We both love learning new skills that could increase our chances of survival if the world comes crashing down. Jon learned how to knit. I learned how to skin an animal. Knot tying, cooking over open flames, weaponry, fire starting without matches, extended first aid....anything and everything that could keep us alive.

This last week, everyone has been hearing about Superstorm Hurricane Sandy and the artic blast that followed it. There have been several earthquakes up and down the pacific fault lines. Weathermen are predicting a harsh winter this year. We've already had a few small power outages.

All that got me thinking. What do i have ready if there's an emergency?

I'm honestly not the hypochondriac kind. I don't think the world is going to end, I don't think that disaster is right around the corner. But there's a difference between being paranoid and being prepared.

Since moving in with Boyfriend Jon, we have almost no emergency supplies stored. When the lights flickered last month. I got a little worried and went on a candle buying spree. I thought that would be enough.

It hovered in the back of my mind. That constant whisper of What if there was a disaster now? Then there was a large earthquake up at the Canadian border. Earthquakes trigger more earthquakes. Then Hurricane Sandy hit, and i heard horror stories of flooding, power outages for days, store shelves completely empty. Gas, water and food shortages. Then that sparked the worry about what happens if the electricity is out for days? No refrigeration, no cell phones, no internet to tell you what's going on.

Maybe i should learn how to create a generator out of car batteries and alternators. Or is it possible to learn how to build a real solar panel?

One thing led to another and it all finally centered on this thought which i haven't been able to shake.

YOU ARE NOT PREPARED FOR ANYTHING

When i should be thinking about work, i'm thinking about what to include and where to store emergency supplies in our apartment. When i should be thinking about driving, i'm going over how to winter camp without getting frost bite. When i should be writing for NaNo, i'm researching how to build energy devices.

I'm trying to not be crazy obsessed about this, but the more i think about it, the more worried i get. About six years ago, the area was without power for a week in the middle of winter. I was lucky to be living with my parents at that point. We had fires going, bundled up, and in general were just fine. But would i be fine now, living on my own with boyfriend Jon? Or would we be one of the hoards of people looting for the most basic supplies because we were caught unprepared?


I think, as much as we talk about being prepared, that we would be hurting for some basics in the event of a disaster if it were to happen today. So, call me paranoid, call me crazy, call me silly....but I think now would be an excellent time to get prepared for the basics.

Esteem turmoil and Hawaii

I am a curvy girl. This has come with a lot of stigma, pretty much all of it painful and depressing. Sufficient to say, I grew up bigger in general, have always had issues with my weight and have spent lots of time agonizing over it.

A little while ago, I posted about my Great Aunt Claire. She was first to get me to see around the insults and look at it from another perspective. Which since i was a burly kid...usually meant pointing out that i could beat the crap out of them then sit on them and they wouldn't be able to do a thing about it. (apparently i had too many arguments against the old sticks and stones mantra).

So like all women of any size, i have good days and bad days.

I'm convinced my inner goddess
is played by Christina Hendricks

Most days, i am one heckova sultry vixen. I have a walk that naturally sashays and gorgeous chocolate hair, eyes that can change color, and i rarely get pimples. I know many women that would die for natrually clear skin that rarely blemishes. My inner voice defiantly tells anyone who looks down their nose at me - "This is the body i have, love it or hate it, it's me." And it's not like i'm anywhere near record size. Just a size 20 and a DD cup. Oh yeah, and my cholesterol makes my doctor really happy. Really, it's not that bad and Boyfriend Jon loves me unconditionally.

Then there's days when my insecurities get the best of me. Like a stone sinking in my stomach for every single stretch mark and jiggle. Jealousy for romantic scenes in movies where the guy effortlessly sweeps a girl off her feet. Terror when seeing someone pull out a camera that i have to clamp down on and smile through.

Or worrying about wearing a bathing suit in Hawaii.

Yup. I'm going to Hawaii! In a week! With my best friend and lover and favorite travel companion; Boyfriend Jon. It's our first real vacation where we're not meeting up with family. And i'm excitedly counting down the days. We even made a rip off calendar that is right next to the door and we rip off each new day together. How cheesy is that?? :)

I want to go. I've been wanting to go for over a decade. I know, with out a doubt that this is going to be an amazing trip. Also....there's an extremely good chance that when we get off the plane i'm going to revert to a four year old and be bouncing off the walls.

But talking with other (thin) women about tips for going to tropical locations....has the insecurities rearing their ugly heads again. Bikini waxing presents all sorts of challenges that skinny girls don't have to face. Spray tanning... i actually laughed at the size zero girl who told me to stand like this, then like this...be cause there's no way the spray would get into all the crevices. Some of the positions i get into remind me of human tetris!

And...there's more to it than just the suit.
There's the pasty white skin from never wearing anything shorter than capris
There's extra curves, stretch marks, cellulite...
There's memories of taunting calls of cankles (which i most assuredly do NOT have), thunder thighs, whale, and most recently "fat lady" (thank you children across the balcony who don't realize that screens aren't soundproof)

Boyfriend Jon has been wonderful (really ladies...i got hit the boyfriend jackpot with this guy), reassuring me every time i go into bathing suit panic mode, that there will be ample people of plus size around on the beaches...and that they will have clothes in my size. Probably more so than i can find here in Washington.

THEN
I went from feeling completely insecure to the opposite end of the spectrum.

My first crush, who became a long time friend admitted that he'd crushed on me for most of our teenage years. Say what???? Daydreams of him were constant for over a decade. But I thought given his complete inaction that he wasn't remotely attracted to me. Turns out, that i couldn't have been more wrong. The teenager still inside of me has thrown her hat down and started stomping on it. Why? Why now? Why didn't you tell me these things when something could have been done about them?

But that ship sailed long ago. Those daydreams laid to rest. That crush is just a friend on the other side of the world who i can talk about guns with. I care about him and want good things for him. But that's it.

I've been reminding that teenager part of my brain, that my relationship with Boyfriend Jon was a delicate balance of things falling into place at exactly the right moment. Change a single thing, and maybe i would never be with Mister Boyfriend Jackpot. So why dream about what could have been when what is, is perfect?

So what do you do when you swing from insanely happy, horribly insecure, never good enough, to a source of regret because you were more than good enough, to embarrassed, to conflicted, to excited beyond all reason, and back around again? I love roller coasters, but i want to get off this one!

I'm getting to the point where a good hearty emotion filled cry might just actually solve this crazy web of my feelings.

Unpacking!

My last post was about getting down to the dregs of packing, cleaning, and trying to not accidentally pack my sanity into a box. Despite my efforts not to, things got a little frazzled. and i was literally going day to day trying to stay on top of things without freaking out.

Now, sounds a bit pathetic right? Like i can't handle the simple stress from a basic move? Well there was a bit more to it than that.

I think the most eventful thing that happened since my last update is that my mother had a pretty serious accident. She was climbing onto the roof (we're still not sure why she was up there alone) and the ladder went out from underneath her and she landed hard on her right side, breaking one of the bones in her leg and shattering her upper arm bone. Thankfully, my sister was right there and was able to get immediate help and my mother tried to boss the paramedics around on how to move her to the ER, much to their amusement and my dad's chagrin.

This led to three days in the hospital, probably close to 100 x-rays, and very little pain meds because my mom has bad reactions to them. My dad stayed by her side all day every day. Then they came home for about a week to wait for the swelling to go down. (Two days ago she went in for shoulder replacement surgery, and she's now back home and recovering from that as well.) Meanwhile, my sister and I went for several visits both to the hospital and to the house to take turns babysitting my mom who was still stubbornly trying to get around without help.

Let me tell you she had the single most livid bruise i have ever seen. Her whole upper arm was PURPLE and green. I can't believe how doctors looked at that and didn't worry too much. I'm so glad my mom is ok if a little worse for wear. She's been working even! Participating in conference calls and dictating emails. That's either extreme dedication to her job or anything to get dad to stop fussing over her. I made sure to make the joke that she didn't want to help me move so much she had to go and get injured to get out of it. It made her laugh.

During ALL OF THAT, is when i moved. And as if things couldn't get much worse, we had quite an adventure with the U-Haul truck. First they tell us that we CAN'T get it Saturday and Sunday because i waited too long to to make a reservation. Next they tells we CAN get Friday night to Saturday afternoon. But when we show up the manager says no way! Finally we arrange that we can get it first thing Saturday morning, to Saturday afternoon and we'll get the smaller truck. We show up to get the truck and they can't find the reservation which is in Jon's name. Getting REALLY ticked off by this point, we repeat his last name several times before I say his full name last then first. Suddenly, they find our reservation because it was filed under his first name. By this point we weren't going to argue or wonder if we had gotten another "John/Jon"'s reservation and we went off to get our keys.

The new apartment was really the only good part of my last two weeks. With a few small maintenance requests which have been getting taken care of much faster than my old place....I'm in love with this place. It already is starting to feel like home.

Then came the move. We had a small army of friends who came through for us. Thank you so much; Dad, Sister, Lee, Naomi, Tyler, Lindsey, Shelly, Ian, Josh and Annie. You are the best. Two days, two apartments, probably near 100 boxes, a bunch of furniture which was a pain to navigate, three pizzas, some KFC, Pho and a lot of aspirin later....WE'RE MOVED IN!!!!!-ish

Boyfriend Jon and I have been spending every single day trying to deal with the mountain of boxes everywhere, trying to decide what we needed most, and battling hoards of crumpled newspaper. We're well on our way to making our apartment a happy home.

Last night, i finished unpacking the kitchen and made my first meal in about six weeks. It was simple, delicious and probably the healthiest thing I've eaten in those six weeks. No more take out and TV dinners for me for a while. I'm cooking with.....well...it's electric, but i feel as good as when i cook with gas! :D

I'll post before and after pics soon!

Want to say it, but can't

The primary topic of my brain is a something i can't talk about yet because i'm afraid i'll jinx it. It'll be a couple months before i can talk about it and then you can expect a long series of posts about it. I promise.

That's the main reason why my posts are few and far between lately. When something exciting is coming it starts occupying my mind months ahead of time. I usually start planning my September birthday two months ahead of time. And by the time it's over, i'm thinking about Christmas with a vengeance. Halloween and Thanksgiving get thrown in when the birthday plans are settled. The bigger the event is, the sooner it starts occupying my mind.

I don't know why, i can't help it. At least I've gotten better about not talking about it until the more socially acceptable 2 weeks. Well, with some things. Other things the words just tumble out of my mouth to the few people i can talk about it with. I can keep a secret, but everyone knows i'm keeping it.

I can put some theories to rest though. For some people, i am not becoming your sister in law in a couple months. For other people, Doctor Shiva the Destroyer is not actively worried that i'm going to die in a couple months. This thing will most likely be a very good thing and i'm hoping any bad parts will be mild.

There that's the closest i can get to saying stuff but not jinxing it.

The next segment of life

On Saturday, i passed the Quarter Century mark in my life. It was hailed in with an incredible gift from Boyfriend Jon which was so sweet it actually made me cry. He made me a book of pictures of us that had quotes from our many conversations.

I think my favorite out of all of them is:
A - I just got a really nice compliment. Ian called me a genius like four times in one conversation.
A - I just found sawdust in my ear.
J - LOL

That and he bought me a star globe that lights up my whole room. A perfect gift for an avid star gazer and someone who had stars painted on her ceiling until she was 21. It was wonderful.

The next day we met up with friends Annie and Ian and Ian's sister and went to the Fair where we all rode one of the more sedate roller coasters. Though i think Jon and Annie might disagree on the "sedate" part. We watched Mutton Busting (kids riding sheep like bulls) and that was hilarious if outrageously hot (no shade). We visited the animals, and ate all sorts of weird stuff. I personally didn't partake of the deep fried stick of butter or fried Oreo, but those were among the discards.

After that, was dinner with a more extensive group of friends at Red Robin after an extensive reservation debacle. For the record, restaurant chains should have consistent policies regarding reservations. Not, this one takes reservations but that one doesn't.

I visited with friends i hadn't seen in more than a year, chatted about how life was treating us, and generally had a wonderful time. But I gratefully sank into bed almost as soon as we got home. My legs were worn out.

On Sunday, i had some serious news reach my family. A long time friend of mine (from back to the tween years) was hit by an IED in Afghanistan. Thank goodness he's ok if a little beat up. His unit also made it back ok, a little worse for wear but all alive. Since his birthday is the day after mine, i personally can't think of a better birthday gift than surviving something like that.

I wish wars like this didn't come practically every generation. I hate watching real people being used as pawns up for the discard. I will gladly defend this country with my dying breath, but i don't think we should go overseas to do it. That becomes a very slippery slope in my opinion.

In other news, how is it possible that i started out with 8 drawers filled to the brim with stuff, replaced them with 8 drawers which were shallower both in deapth and height....and i now have 2 almost completely empty drawers. Especially considering that i didn't really throw anything away besides a few scraps of paper?
How odd is that?

The Stages of Furniture

Just like stages in life, most furniture goes through a relatively defined path.

When we are born, we're put into cribs that our parents have purchased. In my case, being the youngest, it was a hand me down crib that had scratches on the wood, and the rattle spinners were missing in a couple places and one of them had rusted stuck. it had survived all my siblings, and many moves throughout the states. It was ugly but it worked.

Later, i shared a room with my brother and we slept in bunk beds that my father had built. To this day, i'm not sure how we never managed to knock the bunk bed over given all the flips and jumps we made out of the top bunk.

For me? ICK! 

When we got too old to share a room together, Dad took a saw and cut the bunk bed in two. Shortly thereafter, my brother and I got a little lucky. My older siblings were moving out. My brother got the older brother's thick and clunky wood bed and dresser that had under the bed storage. I got the white and gold french provincial bedroom set that my sister loved. I hated it on sight. But i had to live with that until i graduated.

(The point of that was that when we are young, we get whatever someone else buys, rarely getting a say in the matter or using hand me down pieces.)

Since i went to community college and not a university to live in the dorms, i'm going to skip over the part where you have the exact same storage as everyone else or make do with the plastic bins and drawers which are the cheapest form of storage.

Then you move out on your own. This is the point where you finally get to start making decisions for yourself. It's also the point where you realize just how expensive it really is. So you begin to build your collection from family or friend donations, sidewalk rescues, garage sales and craigslist. Sometimes you get lucky and find a nice piece. But more often than not...you get the mismatched, scratched, or painted a million times collection that just gets the job done. Sometimes it even manages to give an eclectic artistic feel. More often than not....it looks, feels and smells scavenged.

Then as your life moves on, and you get that job that pays just enough that you have some extra to play around with. It's at that point that you get the Grown-Up Furniture Set.

It's not the best materials, but it all goes together or at least looks like it does. And best of all: you got to pick it yourself! It works exactly as you need it to, it fits into your space and it looks good in your eyes.

As of today, i sold the mismatched dressers and chest of drawers that had been housing my assorted belongings. Even got more than i paid for them, thank you very much craigslist buyer. They hauled them out at lunchtime, and tonight my dad will be bringing in my new side by side 8 drawer dresser with a mirror to go with my matching night stands which i installed over the weekend.

Wanna talk lucky? Remember a ways back, i refurbished an Ikea bed frame and put it up on specially built stilts? Then those stilts were too long and i had to cut them off with a sawsall? Yeah, the nightstands are EXACTLY level with the top of the mattress. I was so shocked, i got the level out just to make sure. How unbelievable is that?

Originally, the set would have run me almost $180 but i talked them down to just over $150. Awesome sauce! Pics to follow.

Best part of all, not even a hint of white french provincial. Thank god!

Quarter Century

In short of just two weeks, it'll be my 25th birthday.

Wow. Just wow. How the heck did i get here so fast? I feel like i'm still getting used to being 21! And then i start to think back over my life and i'm just blown away by all the things that I've experienced.

In my lifetime:

• DNA is used to start convicting criminals and free innocent people
• The Berlin Wall falls
• The first President George Bush was in office
• The Hubble Telescope was launched into orbit
• The Soviet Union collapsed
• Operation Desert Storm (where my brother would end up going)
• The official end of the Cold War
• Bill Clinton elected as President 
• the LA Riots after the Rodney King verdict
• The rapid growth of the World Wide Web
• The bombing of the WTC
• OJ Simpson arrested for double murder and later freed 
• Oklahoma City Bombing
• Mad Cow Disease hits Britan 
• The divorce of Princess Diana and Prince Charles
• The Unabomber arrested
• The Hale-Bopp Commet arrives 
• Pathfinder reaches Mars and sends back pictures
• Princess Diana dies in a car crash
• A sheep named Dolly is the first successful cloning
• President Clinton has the Lewinski scandal
• Star Wars is re-released with all new digital alterations (Han originally shot first)
• Kuala-Limpor bulids the tallest buildings in the world
• Titanic becomes the most successful movie ever (scoff)
• President Clinton Impeached 
• The Y2K bug causes worldwide concern
• Horrific shooting at Columbine school
• The ILOVEYOU virus causes a heck of a lot of trouble
• Reality TV takes off (forever dropping the bar on good tv)
• George Bush the second scrapes by a win for President (537 votes)
• September 11th happens forever changing America 
• I was walking past the old Junior High School library when they made an announcement. I went in and watched the smoke and chaos on a live feed on the projector wondering if my aunt was alive since she works in NYC. (much closer to central park i later learned)
• The Xbox is introduced and Halo flys off the shelves.
• The introduction of the iPod MP3 player and iTunes
• We go to war against Iraq
• Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes Governor of CA
• MySpace and Facebook debut, Myspace being completely public gains popularity faster
• The Mars Rover lands on Mars
• George Bush wins re-election
• Facebook no longer just for college students. Quickly outstrips Myspace
• Hurricane Katrina hits the gulf causing massive destruction 
• The Introduction of YouTube and Twitter
• The Introduction of the iPhone
• Barack Obama wins the election, the US's first black president 
• Chrysler and GM go bankrupt
• Charles Sullenberger lands a plane on the Hudson River instead of crashing
• Michael Jackson dies
• the Wiki Leaks
• Haiti and Japan earthquakes
• Osama Bin Laden captured and killed
• Prince William and Kate Middleton wed
• Space Shuttle Atlantis lands, marking the end of the space shuttle flights

It's hard to believe i was alive for the birth of Email, cell phones, electric cars, media that can reach you live from the other side of the planet, satellites leaving our known solar system....it's all stuff that just as far back as my dad's generation had no concept of. I mean, even my sister, just 14 years older than me, reminds me of a time when you simply memorized everyone's number that you would need.


I'm not trying to incite a political debate about which event is most important out of all the events of the last 25 years. I just am sitting back and marveling at the path the world has taken in my lifetime.

Yes there have been horrible events mixed in with extraordinary advancements in technology, science, the women's movement, equal rights amendments, and even art. But just thirty years ago, most of this was the filler of pure science fiction.

However, the bonehead that let Reality TV in needs to be slapped with a dead fish.

Closet Shopping

I hate shopping for clothes. It's the worst, most depressing and humiliating task i can think of. Although i adore my gal pals and know they are beautiful and supportive...going shopping with them is a struggle with my ego.

They're size 8/10 and 12/14. They have entire aisles dedicated to their size. Whereas I as a 18/20 have at best a 3 foot long section to look through. And I can try on every single item in that section and not find a single thing that fits.

Since this has been the case through most of my life, I never developed an affinity for going shopping. Either nothing fit or i looked like i was dressed by my grandmother. Hence, i hate clothing shopping in general and find it to be a necessary evil. Occasionally i get lucky and find something that i like and fits, and then i buy four of them.

Over time, i found shops that catered to my size and didn't have grandma style clothes. But where jeans are normally $40, mine are $58. Where tops are normally $20, i pay $50. So i still didn't go crazy with clothes.

I've been tightening my purse strings for quite a while but with a wedding coming up, I had to find something nice. My closet currently contains:

• Slinky black dress numbers 1, 2 and 3 and slinky red dress number 1, 
• doesn't fit anymore dresses 1 through 5, 
• Red ballgown (aka totally inappropriate for a wedding)
• Super casual red print dress (aka totally inappropriate for a wedding)
• and two skirts that i love but are very uncomfortable to sit in. 

Did i mention it's going to be in the mid to high 80's on that day?

So i called the only person i could think of that would have a solution: My sister. 

She grew up very skinny and spent entire summers going shopping with our aunts on the east coast who all love to shop. I grew up on the west coast, wearing camouflage and scraping my knees. But now, ironically, we've evened out to just about the same size and shape. Although she still has about four bra sizes on me. 

She loves to shop. She has three closets (two of them are double hung) that are stuffed full of clothes. To the point that i could barely push stuff aside to look at them. From theses closets she pulled out a dozen dresses for me to choose from and borrow. 

I was skeptical at first. Usually with a dozen i have about a 30 % chance to walk away with 1. But by dress four fitting nicely, i was actually enjoying myself. In the end all but three fit me reasonably well, but i took the four best with me to decide after spending some time in them. 

Four dresses of varying niceness, for free, in the span of about an hour from start to finish. All the hard work was already done thanks to my sister. I can go formal with the green beaded one, I can go comfortable casual with a navy one, retro with a polka dotted one, or feminine with a peachy flowered one. 

Now i understand the appeal that my skinny gal pals feel when going shopping. Shopping in my sister's closet has options. Options are FUN! Not to mention it's free. Best Shopping Trip EVER!!!

Eyes bigger than my lap

I bought my first personal laptop when i was a senior in high school. Technically i was in running start and going to my first year of college, which is how i got mom to put it on her credit card while i paid her cash. She was very hesitant, but understood it would help me dramatically. Indeed, for the first time in a long time, i 

In the days of "Dude you're getting a Dell" i succumbed to the marketing and ordered a Dell Inspiron 5150. Lappy served me very well until i ran it practically into the ground. I gave the old laptop to my sister and two days later, Lappy died, never to be resurrected again. 

But i had already ordered Sarah. A(nother) Dell Studio 17 inch laptop. My reasons originally were: I want it to run WoW flawlessly, be great for photoshop and to not have to cramp my elbows in when i want to type.

However i didn't think about certain things. Like for instance what would happen when i met soon-to-be Boyfriend Jon, how little of an urge to play WoW I would have in favor of his company. In a matter of a month, i kicked my WoW habit and suddenly started noticing certain things about Sarah(laptop). 

While her insides were still magnificent, and a great gaming machine, her outsides were, not suiting my needs anymore. She was a honking 9 pounds and LITERALLY double the size of Boyfriend Jon's netbook. I love her dearly, but i started to think if this was really what i wanted. 

The conclusion i've come to is that i no longer need a blazing fast gaming computer. I need something portable that's great for photoshop, but otherwise is used for standard fun. 

Thus begins my adventure into the realm of laptop selling, something I've never done before. 

Rest In Peace Rusty Roo

The moment finally came, and the decision was made. We put Rusty the poodle down yesterday at 4:15 yesterday. It was a peaceful end to his love filled 15 year life.

It was the hardest day of my life. Holding him, giving him extra treats, taking off his harness and using my long nails to give him a good scratch in all the hard to reach places. I was crying so hard the whole way as dad tried to talk me out of going into the room.

"It will upset you terribly" he said.
"I know." i replied
"You really don't know." he pressed.
"I'd feel worse if i didn't."

There were so many things i wanted to say but every time i got started my throat felt like it closed off. I think that was the quietest car ride my dad and i had ever shared.

In the end, I didn't go into the room. The vet requested that if a family member couldn't keep it together, that they weren't present. I knew there was no way i could watch my puppy slip away without bawling. So i sat in the car crying into Molly's fur while she looked out the window probably hoping that dad would bring food back for her. Indeed when a beagle was being walked near the car, she kept licking her chops. Finally i reminded her it was a beagle not a bagel.

Everything else yesterday was trying to get from one task to the other. Reading James Herriot to mom since she's still recovering from surgery. Trying to coordinate the family for tomorrow going to and from Seattle. Driving back with my sister and trying to figure out what in my closet would work for a bachelorette party. Cleaning out all the garbage in my car to get ready for camping this weekend. Forcing food down my throat despite it clamping up several times. Trying somehow to explain to Boyfriend Jon what i needed from him when i didn't even know myself. And finally falling into bed exhausted and feeling like a wrung out towel.

When it rains it pours.

Back from camping

I'm pleased to report that i survived camping in the pacific northwest this weekend. By that i mean...it started raining Saturday at about 5pm and didn't stop....ever.

Jon on Friday before we got the tarps up and
during one of the few brief moments of sunlight

Between the crows pillaging our campsite twice, the showers eating the tokens without giving hot water, the absurd prices of firewood (3 bundles for 17$), and the tarp AND TENT leaking.....we should have had a miserable time. Yet, i can't think of any single point that i was unhappy. Even picking up after the crows...wasn't a big deal. We learned a couple lessons but for the most part, our advance planning saved a lot of frustration. There's just a bit more planning needed. There was bound to be some trial and error period.

The first problem we noticed was the grill that i had brought was HORRIBLE for cooking on. The eggs we made took forever to cook, and water took at least a half hour to get to coffee temperature. It's a great grill, i'm sure, but it's a horrible camp stove. But it was free so i didn't worry too much. The Boyscout in Boyfriend Jon came out and he started talking about all the gear he wanted to buy for himself. Perhaps for this entry i should refer to him as Boyscout Jon. He decided that now was a good time to purchase a Coleman camp stove and we were saved. After that, we had no more meal related problems.

But the rain wasn't going to let us off the hook. We got our tarps up Saturday Morning after some creative roping and using a few of the telescoping poles i had borrowed from my dad. I even managed to remember a few of the knots i had learned several years ago, when i taught a knot tying class. But when it came to a spot were we had different sized ropes, my brain went blank. I could see the image in my head, but how to do it or what it was called was completely eluding me. Boyscout Jon came to the rescue with a sheet bend.

Sometimes it got a little too cold to sit next to the campfire with our e-readers. So we retreated into the tent. There, we quickly bundled up into our sleeping bags and kept reading with just our eyes and a couple fingers poking out of the bags. Every now and then we would look over at each other and start laughing over some line in the story we were reading or the fact that we were bundled up like Eskimos. But the important thing was that we were throughly enjoying ourselves. I'm sure our neighbors got a little tired of us starting to laugh hysterically for no apparent reason to anyone outside our little world.

We probably should have noticed the warning signs earlier...spots of water at the bottom of our sleeping bags, or the small puddle forming at the tent opening. But it wasn't until the middle of the night that we started realizing we were slowly being soaked. The pads we were sleeping on were foam and quickly absorbed the water and it started creeping toward us. Our clothes and gear in the tent, had to be moved to higher ground and we had to pull our pillows away from the walls.

My only real gripe was the mats we decided to try for sleeping on were very uncomfortable. I'm still an air mattress girl. But given that Jon had trouble waking me up one night, i still slept soundly. Oh yeah, and i managed to not be a controlling, freaked out, nut job. Go me!

Things we'll do differently:

1. waterproof the tent BEFORE leaving. 
2. buy a new tarp and new ropes
3. buy camp cups...the one thing we both totally forgot. 
4. figure out new sleeping pads/cots/air mattresses. 

But in the end, every problem that arose we had a solution for. Every issue got dealt with. And we left the camp soaking wet, freezing cold, tired as hell, and holding hands.

Damn you Fox!

When i start watching a show on Netflix instant, the only thing i really look at is the rating and the description. I don't look to see how long it runs or how many episodes it has...i just watch it.

I was extremely frustrated when Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles ended on a cliff hanger. Eager for more, I went and looked up when the next season would be out. Except i couldn't find it anywhere. I started Google-ing and lo and behold FOX has struck down yet another awesome sci-fi series.

Between Firefly, Dark Angel and now T:SCC......I have solidified an extreme hatred of FOX.

That and at this point, i think that any sci-fi writer or producer should avoid FOX like the fricken plague.

It's too bad; i was really enjoying the show. Once i got over the "Summer Glau, while an awesome actress, can't weigh more than 100 pounds!" and there she was, taking on guys that were three times her size and kicking ass. I forced myself to just go with it and began to get into the story arcs. I wondered what her place was in the future with John Connor, if Sarah would survive, if they could stop Judgement day or if it was inevitable...and they could only delay it. It was an intriguing plot.

But there's no more of it. Damn.

I did like the made up story ending that one of the threads featured and i'll just make do with this so i can have some closure:

 John connects with Alison and his Uncle BAG in the future. They find Danny Dyson, being held captive by Skynet to help Skynet build and maintain their computers and equipment. Dyson gives our team the answers they need to destroy Skynet in the past. 

With the help of Dyson, John, Alison, BAG and Cameron/John Henry access the Skynet time machine, but at the cost of Dyson's life (mirrors his dad's demise).
Once back in 2007, they reconnect with Sarah, 'Catherine Weaver', and Agent Ellis. Together, they destroy whatever the McGuffin that is Skynet is, but both BAG and Cameron/John Henry die in the process.
John has a touching moment with Cameron/John Henry before it's destroyed. Judgment Day (and the god-awful Terminator 4 movie) are averted. 'Catherine Weaver' turns to liquid metal, and slinks away to the bottom of the ocean, to await a time in the future when humans are ready to use technology like her without destrying ourselves.
Ellis provides new identities for John, Alison and Sarah to live out peaceful lives.
In a voice over epilogue, John remarks about how he and Allison are married with a son, and how his mother died of cancer several years after 2007, but that she lived long enough to see a future without Judgment Day come to pass. 

Anyway, i couldn't fall asleep last night and the subject of time travel began to bother me.  I began to wonder which direction i would choose to go; forward or backward.

If you had a time machine, would you first jump forward or backward?

Forward in time

Back in time

Free poll maker

Personally, I think i would rather go forward. Mostly so that i didn't inadvertently cut myself out of existence. And naturally that brought on the theories about alternate realities, and if i wrote myself out of existence, would i be there in the first place to go back.....

Perhaps you can see why i only got about three hours of sleep last night and eventually did dream about Doc from Back to the Future....cause if he says it, it must be real, right?!

Now i'm running solely on coffee.

Other news from today

This is definitely one of the worse Mondays in a while.

I woke up this morning after slapping my alarm more than usual. I immediately noticed a "roaring" in my ears as i rose from bed and lack of noise on my right side. When yawned, i was greeted with a sharp stab of pain through both ears. I tried taking a hot shower and putting some hydrogen peroxide in my ear but nothing seems to be working. I made it into work but i'm quickly fading. And i bet my co-workers are getting tired of me asking them to speak up.

I really hope i don't have an ear infection coming on. No fever yet at least.

Odds and Ends

Three things are on my mind today; One funny, one that inspires, and one that i can't put an emotion to yet.

Starting on the lighter end of things, Boyfriend Jon and I had a rather amusing conversation that took way longer than it should have. Jon was at Target and I asked him to pick me up some toothpaste. He said "sure" and very thoughtfully asked me what i wanted. I should have known better than to not give him exact instructions. He carefully compares features, price, quantity, value, and about a billion other synonyms. But i didn't have my toothpaste anywhere near me and i was looking for a better one anyway. So i said "Something that whitens and is spearmint."

Jon: "Brand?"

Me: "I like Crest but just no peppermint"

Jon: "They don't have anything that's explicitly peppermint or spearmint. you have cool, clean, fresh, long lasting, extreme herbal mint"

Me: "Um...fresh i guess."

Jon: "Oops, forgot smooth, vibrant, and crystal mints"

Me: "Oh for the love of! I guess you're just gonna have to sample them"

Jon: "Oh Oh just saw radiant mint ;-)"

(by this point, i'm sorry i asked but still amazed at the ridiculousness of in-exact labeling of toothpaste)

Me: "don't worry about it, just get something and i'll just use it"

Six minutes later, i get a picture message. To stem of any more of the Great Toothpaste Ingredient Debate, i said "Sounds good, thank you."

To which i find out he thankfully already bought it.

Jon: "And looks like there's a law against saying which freaking plant they use!"

LoL

The good news is, that fresh actually did turn out to be spearmint.

****

Yesterday was my parent's 40th Wedding Anniversary. It is amazing to me. When i called to wish them a happy anniversary, dad felt like chatting. It turns out they went for a drive with Mom behind the wheel. Which means they were going to end up on the opposite corner of the state. He told me "You know, some people think 40 years is amazing, but for us it's just every day life."

Personally, i think that it's just amazing that they've lasted this long. Not because there's any real problems, but that they've done it in a world full of divorce and an average of 7 year marriages. How they decided to stick it out, is beyond me. I can only hope that I'm as lucky when i decide to settle down to have a partner with similar resolve.

****

I've messed around with my budget and I'm fairly certain that with some simple trimming of excess spending that I'll be able to afford staying for another year.

I was pleased that the cut didn't seem to be so bad as i had originally thought once i started using actual numbers and a calculator. I'm still going to negotiate the increase down as much as possible, but assuming that number will be the official increase, i think i reasonably can afford to stay.

To that end, Boyfriend Jon and I rearranged my room. Surprisingly, when i started going through the stuff that had accumulated, i found i didn't want to keep very much of it. Thankfully my family is putting on a garage sale soon so i can hopefully make some money off of the excess crap that's just been laying around.

Something like relief is coming over me. I'm at peace again. There's no uncertainty this year as there has been the last three. No dread, or fear of the unknown. I don't have to tip-toe around passive aggressive roommates who 'accidentally' take things that are mind when they're packing up. And best of all, i don't have to beg family and friends to help me move.

Instead, i can sit on my couch and watch Chickadees and Juncos peck at the breadcrumbs I've spread out for them. And even seeing the swamp monster (hissing cat) again after what must have been a long hibernation, makes me smile and feel a sense of belonging and calm. It reminds me that I'm in my home.