Gone

These last couple have weeks have been all about people being gone.

Boyfriend Jon is working harder than ever this summer. Since i leave for work before 7am and he's starting to frequently get home between 8-9pm, i hardly see him. To give credit where credit is due. Boyfriend Jon took on some extra chores to help out and i've been seeing random bouquets often, so i know he's thinking of me as much as i'm thinking of him.

It's weird having my live in-best friend gone all the time. It makes me thankful for Kira-dog to make sure i have company even if she just ignores me when i talk to her. He finally walks in and flops on the couch just in time for me to announce i need to head to bed so i can get up again for work. Often our only interactions are a few emails during the day, and a brief summary of our days before bed.

But what we lack in interaction during the week we more than make up for on the weekends. Boyfriend Jon has been serenading me with his ukulele, following me to family functions, going with me to the dog parks, and even trying to bake something together.

Allow me to segue into our "I Love Lucy-esque Malasada Blob Fiasco". We decided it would be fun to try to make Malasadas (Portuguese doughnut that is so popular in Hawaii that the day before lent is known as Malasada Day). We probably should have known that we were in trouble when the recipe called for 9 teaspoons of yeast, 12 eggs and 5lbs of flour.
But we pushed on in ignorance...having to get creative with my kitchenaid to fit all these ingredients in the bowl. Then came the blob as all that yeast got to work and it spilled over the sides of the largest aluminum pan we could find at the grocery store.
It was at this point Boyfriend Jon started singing the "i love lucy" theme song making us both laugh hysterically. Plus the dough was sticky, gloopy, and got all over the place as we tried to drop clumps into hot oil without burning ourselves. The end result was pretty tasty, b
ut we had at least 100 malasadas for 7 people.

There's another person in my life who is gone. Leila Ball, whom i always called grandma, passed away last week. Even though technically she's only my cousin's grandma. So....grandma in law? But since we spent our childhoods together, i and my brother Johnny got rolled into the Grandkids group. The news was expected since she was 90+ with cancer and having a very rough time of it. While i will miss her gentle voice at our family gatherings, i'm glad she's no longer in pain.


And finally there's another missing piece of my life. My father retired and decided he wanted to travel the USA immediately after. So they've packed up and left my childhood home behind headed for Idaho, Yosemite, South Dakota, Georgia, Virginia, and New York. For a month and a half, my parents...who are totally homebodies and rarely leave a 5 mile radius...are completely gone. Out of state, incommunicado, gone.

I like to think i don't rely on them very much, but knowing that Boyfriend Jon scoffs whenever i say that....it's very weird to know they're gone. My brother will be house sitting soon, but i went over last night to check on the house and was overwhelmed by this creepy feeling of a dead silent house. Coming from a 6 person family, that house has never in my life been that quiet. Sure I've been over there when there's no one home, but even then, the furnace or AC is on, my mom's computer whirring. Perhaps it was just my imagination, but the profound silence creeped me out!

I'm certain that myself, my siblings, my cousins, and Boyfriend Jon will all adjust just fine to the sudden changes, but the suddenness of so many things being gone
all at once really hit me last night, standing in the silence and heat of a house that no one calls home right now. It feels like something big just happened yet i know it's no big deal.

Esteem turmoil and Hawaii

I am a curvy girl. This has come with a lot of stigma, pretty much all of it painful and depressing. Sufficient to say, I grew up bigger in general, have always had issues with my weight and have spent lots of time agonizing over it.

A little while ago, I posted about my Great Aunt Claire. She was first to get me to see around the insults and look at it from another perspective. Which since i was a burly kid...usually meant pointing out that i could beat the crap out of them then sit on them and they wouldn't be able to do a thing about it. (apparently i had too many arguments against the old sticks and stones mantra).

So like all women of any size, i have good days and bad days.

I'm convinced my inner goddess
is played by Christina Hendricks

Most days, i am one heckova sultry vixen. I have a walk that naturally sashays and gorgeous chocolate hair, eyes that can change color, and i rarely get pimples. I know many women that would die for natrually clear skin that rarely blemishes. My inner voice defiantly tells anyone who looks down their nose at me - "This is the body i have, love it or hate it, it's me." And it's not like i'm anywhere near record size. Just a size 20 and a DD cup. Oh yeah, and my cholesterol makes my doctor really happy. Really, it's not that bad and Boyfriend Jon loves me unconditionally.

Then there's days when my insecurities get the best of me. Like a stone sinking in my stomach for every single stretch mark and jiggle. Jealousy for romantic scenes in movies where the guy effortlessly sweeps a girl off her feet. Terror when seeing someone pull out a camera that i have to clamp down on and smile through.

Or worrying about wearing a bathing suit in Hawaii.

Yup. I'm going to Hawaii! In a week! With my best friend and lover and favorite travel companion; Boyfriend Jon. It's our first real vacation where we're not meeting up with family. And i'm excitedly counting down the days. We even made a rip off calendar that is right next to the door and we rip off each new day together. How cheesy is that?? :)

I want to go. I've been wanting to go for over a decade. I know, with out a doubt that this is going to be an amazing trip. Also....there's an extremely good chance that when we get off the plane i'm going to revert to a four year old and be bouncing off the walls.

But talking with other (thin) women about tips for going to tropical locations....has the insecurities rearing their ugly heads again. Bikini waxing presents all sorts of challenges that skinny girls don't have to face. Spray tanning... i actually laughed at the size zero girl who told me to stand like this, then like this...be cause there's no way the spray would get into all the crevices. Some of the positions i get into remind me of human tetris!

And...there's more to it than just the suit.
There's the pasty white skin from never wearing anything shorter than capris
There's extra curves, stretch marks, cellulite...
There's memories of taunting calls of cankles (which i most assuredly do NOT have), thunder thighs, whale, and most recently "fat lady" (thank you children across the balcony who don't realize that screens aren't soundproof)

Boyfriend Jon has been wonderful (really ladies...i got hit the boyfriend jackpot with this guy), reassuring me every time i go into bathing suit panic mode, that there will be ample people of plus size around on the beaches...and that they will have clothes in my size. Probably more so than i can find here in Washington.

THEN
I went from feeling completely insecure to the opposite end of the spectrum.

My first crush, who became a long time friend admitted that he'd crushed on me for most of our teenage years. Say what???? Daydreams of him were constant for over a decade. But I thought given his complete inaction that he wasn't remotely attracted to me. Turns out, that i couldn't have been more wrong. The teenager still inside of me has thrown her hat down and started stomping on it. Why? Why now? Why didn't you tell me these things when something could have been done about them?

But that ship sailed long ago. Those daydreams laid to rest. That crush is just a friend on the other side of the world who i can talk about guns with. I care about him and want good things for him. But that's it.

I've been reminding that teenager part of my brain, that my relationship with Boyfriend Jon was a delicate balance of things falling into place at exactly the right moment. Change a single thing, and maybe i would never be with Mister Boyfriend Jackpot. So why dream about what could have been when what is, is perfect?

So what do you do when you swing from insanely happy, horribly insecure, never good enough, to a source of regret because you were more than good enough, to embarrassed, to conflicted, to excited beyond all reason, and back around again? I love roller coasters, but i want to get off this one!

I'm getting to the point where a good hearty emotion filled cry might just actually solve this crazy web of my feelings.

Sewing, Road Trip and a funeral

The funeral for Boyfriend Jon's grandmother has been set. So we figured out the best way to get down to California was to drive. It's at least 200$ cheaper than flying since there will be two of us anyway. It's going to be a quick trip; get up early, drive all day, collapse, wake up, funeral, spend some time with the family, collapse, wake up early, drive all day, collapse.

But i learned some things about Hawaiian culture that i found really interesting. They don't wear black to funerals (they will at this one since it's being held in a church but the memorial will be more traditional) but traditionally they wear white and bright colors. This is because it's less about mourning their death and more about celebrating the life of the deceased. Although i didn't know her very long, that seems perfectly appropriate for her. It completely fits in my opinion.

So when Boyfriend Jon first asked me to go with him, i had to take a long hard think about my closet contents. I have a great LBD that he loves seeing me in, and a couple colorful sundresses and a bright maxi dress that needs alterations. Also, he told me it was going to be about 80-90 degrees while we're there (yikes!). Last time i visited, his family was wearing winter sweaters in 60 degree heat while i was thinking "break out the tank tops". I'm going to roast especially if i wear black. So

Which means it's time to break out the sewing machine! And that i have to learn how to use a double needle. One of the more unexpected gifts i've gotten from my mom (there's been a few that i wondered about but have come in exceedingly handy) was a Viking sewing machine. So i'm going to put that to good use tonight and in the next week to alter my maxi dress into a sundress with straps, fix a couple article of clothes that need repair, and in general have fun.

This will be my first time working with a double needle (aka Twin needle). I'll let you know how it goes. Could be a complete disaster.

Arranging

It's been a busy few weeks since my last post. I think out of probably 100 boxes, we're down to maybe a dozen. Most of those items are things that we're not entirely sure where to put because we don't have the furniture item that they will go into set up yet.

My carpentry hobby hasn't been put into use yet because we're still planning on how to fit everything necessary in the few things i have to build. We're pretty much set on our new media stand design which will house all our various electronics for the main room from the sub woofer to our modem while hiding all the wires from immediate view. Also in the works is a new desk that will fit both of us considering there's a 10 inch difference to our heights, not to mention a huge difference in our preferences on desks. Jon likes his arms low, i like mine high; he leans forward, i lean back; his mouse is on the left and mine is on the right; he puts the chair all the way up, i put the chair all the way down or my toes barely brush the floor. It's a conundrum.

Slowly we're learning how to adjust to our new living situation. Thankfully thus far, disagreements have been relatively small and we've worked through them by each giving a little ground.

On Saturday, we braved Ikea first thing in the morning. We got there when the cafe was open, but before the big crowd of people Actually, it was a total ghost town. And breakfast? I gotta tell you: 5$ for a filling breakfast for two! How they keep those prices so low is beyond me. Do they get the chickens to lay their eggs in modular form? Square instead of round to reduce waste of space???

Really...it's mind blowing in this day and age of 10$ coffee based drinks.

We went in looking for a sleeper sofa that would serve as guest sleeping plus an escape when one of us is sick or snoring badly.

We found one that seemed to work for us, but the fabric options were kind of ho-hum. It was definitively industrial and designed to stand up to millenia of wear and tear, but it was about as soft as burlap. But since brown was the best option, we went to talk to the sales lady. While i was talking to her, i happened to put my hand down and felt soft and semi fuzzy. I looked down and saw the same couch, but with an oatmeal colored corduroy-esque cover. I asked her if it was available on the sleeper sofa and she said "Yes, and that blue option over there" So i quickly called Jon over and we molested the couch for several minutes before deciding on the dark nighttime blue couch. (Which...this picture does absolutely no justice as to how wonderfully luxurious the couch is)

So shortly there after, after much grunting, cursing, yelling, struggling, straining, and amazed looks from neighbors....we got the couch and the rest of our loot into the apartment. While Boyfriend Jon still jokes about us having primary color couches (Blue, Red and Green), i thin the effect of having a rich red and a dark cobalt blue look wonderful together. Especially once i figure out where i put my dark cobalt colored blanket. That must be in a box still to be opened.....somewhere....

Unpacking!

My last post was about getting down to the dregs of packing, cleaning, and trying to not accidentally pack my sanity into a box. Despite my efforts not to, things got a little frazzled. and i was literally going day to day trying to stay on top of things without freaking out.

Now, sounds a bit pathetic right? Like i can't handle the simple stress from a basic move? Well there was a bit more to it than that.

I think the most eventful thing that happened since my last update is that my mother had a pretty serious accident. She was climbing onto the roof (we're still not sure why she was up there alone) and the ladder went out from underneath her and she landed hard on her right side, breaking one of the bones in her leg and shattering her upper arm bone. Thankfully, my sister was right there and was able to get immediate help and my mother tried to boss the paramedics around on how to move her to the ER, much to their amusement and my dad's chagrin.

This led to three days in the hospital, probably close to 100 x-rays, and very little pain meds because my mom has bad reactions to them. My dad stayed by her side all day every day. Then they came home for about a week to wait for the swelling to go down. (Two days ago she went in for shoulder replacement surgery, and she's now back home and recovering from that as well.) Meanwhile, my sister and I went for several visits both to the hospital and to the house to take turns babysitting my mom who was still stubbornly trying to get around without help.

Let me tell you she had the single most livid bruise i have ever seen. Her whole upper arm was PURPLE and green. I can't believe how doctors looked at that and didn't worry too much. I'm so glad my mom is ok if a little worse for wear. She's been working even! Participating in conference calls and dictating emails. That's either extreme dedication to her job or anything to get dad to stop fussing over her. I made sure to make the joke that she didn't want to help me move so much she had to go and get injured to get out of it. It made her laugh.

During ALL OF THAT, is when i moved. And as if things couldn't get much worse, we had quite an adventure with the U-Haul truck. First they tell us that we CAN'T get it Saturday and Sunday because i waited too long to to make a reservation. Next they tells we CAN get Friday night to Saturday afternoon. But when we show up the manager says no way! Finally we arrange that we can get it first thing Saturday morning, to Saturday afternoon and we'll get the smaller truck. We show up to get the truck and they can't find the reservation which is in Jon's name. Getting REALLY ticked off by this point, we repeat his last name several times before I say his full name last then first. Suddenly, they find our reservation because it was filed under his first name. By this point we weren't going to argue or wonder if we had gotten another "John/Jon"'s reservation and we went off to get our keys.

The new apartment was really the only good part of my last two weeks. With a few small maintenance requests which have been getting taken care of much faster than my old place....I'm in love with this place. It already is starting to feel like home.

Then came the move. We had a small army of friends who came through for us. Thank you so much; Dad, Sister, Lee, Naomi, Tyler, Lindsey, Shelly, Ian, Josh and Annie. You are the best. Two days, two apartments, probably near 100 boxes, a bunch of furniture which was a pain to navigate, three pizzas, some KFC, Pho and a lot of aspirin later....WE'RE MOVED IN!!!!!-ish

Boyfriend Jon and I have been spending every single day trying to deal with the mountain of boxes everywhere, trying to decide what we needed most, and battling hoards of crumpled newspaper. We're well on our way to making our apartment a happy home.

Last night, i finished unpacking the kitchen and made my first meal in about six weeks. It was simple, delicious and probably the healthiest thing I've eaten in those six weeks. No more take out and TV dinners for me for a while. I'm cooking with.....well...it's electric, but i feel as good as when i cook with gas! :D

I'll post before and after pics soon!

Packing Schedule

So i move at the end of this month. 20 days away. It's no April fool's joke. And obviously i'll need a plan.

First off, i'm at work for at least 9 hours a day (not counting lunch hour). I pull four 9 hour days which bascially means i'm running around the whole day solving copier problems, putting in orders, running endless arrays of data, and reminding people for the millionth time that i am not responsible for keeping track of their bloody coffee cup!

Needless to say, by the end of the day, i'm exhausted. So any major packing for the week days just aint gonna happen. Which leaves the weekends for me to concentrate on.

This last weekend, i concentrated on packing up all the decorative things i have scattered around. Pictures, candles and holders, my ceramic dragon sculpture i made in art class in college, fake plants i've collected because there was no way to keep real plants alive in my dark dungeon of an apartment i have now. Then came my small collection of board games, and cards.
Then i started in on the art supplies and office supplies.

Which made me think that I developed my mother's pen hoarding tendency. I say this because i filled up an entire gallon sized ziplock bag with pens. woops.

My books were already packed, but i had to tape them shut. So by the end of the weekend, i had 8 boxes packed of things i won't need before the end of the month.

Next weekend, I'm probably going to go through everything that's under my bed. Which could get interesting, because the last time i tried to go through under there, i found a gallon of plain old sand. No idea why it was there, but for some reason i had it.

Overall this is going to be an interesting month as i continually pare down to what items i absolutely need in order to get by day to day in my current apartment, while more and more things end up in an ever increasing maze of boxes.

Not-so Breaking News!

FINALLY! FINALLY! I can talk about it.

Boyfriend Jon and I are moving in together!!!!!

We found a gorgeous apartment, in the perfect area, next to a creek with a trail, a fireplace, a huge kitchen and walking distance to a grocery store. It's huge, almost double the square footage that i'm currently living in. And in the next month, you're probably going to be reading about all the obsessive moving thoughts that will be running through my head.

I didn't want to break the news pre-maturely and possibly jinx it, and also because i hadn't told my parents yet. There were a lot of variables that had to come together in order for all of this to work.

But we got the lease papers last night and are going over them today. So it's pretty much official. We're moving in together.

I had a lot of concern about how my parents would react. They pretend that most dating milestones that are common for the 21st century don't exist. They like to pretend there's still the courting process prevalent in the 1950s. Sometimes the pretending goes to the extreme, in my opinion, but that's just the way that they are. And i am their baby, and this mold hasn't been broken in on the girls side of things. Thankfully, i seem to have caught them at a good time and overall the announcement went well. I had hoped for a genuinely happy response, but it was more reserved and cautious. Probably cause they've had no wind of this before, they don't realize that this has been in the works since August.

I'm so excited to move in with Boyfriend Jon. He's my best friend, companion, confidant, and winner of the best boyfriend award multiple times. This is going to be such a beneficial step. No more logistics of having two apartments, two refrigerators, two schedules...we'll be able to save money on rent, cook more cause all the ingredients are in one place, so many other pluses that i can't even count them right now cause i'm too giddy. And the place is huge by comparison to either of our places, and open, and there's two bedrooms so there's the option of our own private space. I have such a good feeling about this place.

I'm an artistic, right brained type. I love to spread out and have room to move. Which is kind of hard in a just over 500 sq/f apartment. Oh, did i mention its on the 3rd floor? This means there's the options of leaving the curtains open!!! Natrual light, oh happy day!

Right now thoughts of BBQs by the pool (did i mention there's a pool?), movie nights with friends where everyone can sit and enjoy the tv, baking parties, Halloween parties, eventually getting a puppy or two; all those things just keep running through my head.

I just can't wait for April!

Good news and Dinner

Today Boyfriend Jon celebrated a huge success. I am so proud to announce that he has self published his first book on Smashwords. Jon wrote this story originally before we met and I've had the privilege to watch it transform through several revisions. It's a sweet, but realistic (if you can call talking animals with armor and swords realistic) tale to kick of the Guineawick Series. 

I'm not saying this just because he's my boyfriend. This story is well written and he agonized over the plot and character developments for months. It's a short light read that will be worth your time. Besides...it's free. You can check it out here. 

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/130321

So to celebrate, i offered to cook a nice homemade meal for him. Whatever he wanted. Boyfriend Jon leaned back into the cushions of the couch and pondered for a moment with a goofy grin on his face, still riding the high of the 10 downloads so far. Then he grinned even wider and looked at me and said "Chili Dogs". 

"Are you kidding or being serious?" I asked dubiously. 

"No, totally serious." he responded, nodding decisively. 

I thought hard. My dad had made sure we all knew some decent basic recipies from his standard menu. But Chili Dog had never come up. I ended up having to ask Boyfriend Jon what a Chili Dog was. 

He was aghast again. This is not the first time a seemingly "normal" dinner meal was something that never graced our table. 

I was 18 or so before i had my first ever taco and burrito. It was at a friend's birthday party and i was amazed. I brought the idea back to dad and he agreed to try it. My mother was not so enthused. 

She has what we refer to as Food Allergies to keep it simple for waiters. Although she's not allergic to anything, she does get massive migraines based on the food she consumes. So our dinner table, never had any hot spices, too many onions, mustard, aged cheeses (mozzarella and american were fine but nothing else), no fresh baked yeast breads (she believes that the yeast is still alive after it comes out of the oven so she needs to wait a day for the yeast to 'die'. don't ask...i don't know where she got that logic), Lima beans (we as kids were still forced to eat them, but she didn't have to), citrus juices or zest, complicated gravy's, curry, sour cream or nuts. That's just the major things. She won't eat standard apples from the store because the peels have a "chemical" that organic apples don't. And other things like that. 

We were constantly hearing "i can't eat that" and having to check food labels against her list which grew every year. The food we got was plain and my brothers claimed it was tasteless. We learned to cope, mostly through garlic. 

I can't say i blame her for her caution either. I've seen her in the hospital throwing up, with the blinds drawn and we have to talk in whispers so her head doesn't pound. And my mom is TOUGH. She went through shoulder replacement surgery with no pain killers other than TYLENOL! 

So in the end when we parred down the burritos to food that mom could eat...it was tortilla round, re-fried beans, lettuce, plain cooked hamburger and some cheese. It wasn't nearly as appetizing as what i had tasted at the birthday party. 

So I know i missed out on a bunch of things, and sometimes Boyfriend Jon looks at me with pure shock that I've never had a Manwich or chili dogs, fried rice or chow mein, or something else that was a major staple of his childhood. To be honest i can't remember the last time i had a taco. 

And it's not a matter of being resistant to try things, but i don't automatically think of the same kind of celebratory food. For me, luxuries were Jeiger schnitzle, Eggplant parmesean, paprika chicken, and Perrogies. All in all i'm very interested in trying out chili burgers and seeing how i like them. We'll see how it goes. 

Want to say it, but can't

The primary topic of my brain is a something i can't talk about yet because i'm afraid i'll jinx it. It'll be a couple months before i can talk about it and then you can expect a long series of posts about it. I promise.

That's the main reason why my posts are few and far between lately. When something exciting is coming it starts occupying my mind months ahead of time. I usually start planning my September birthday two months ahead of time. And by the time it's over, i'm thinking about Christmas with a vengeance. Halloween and Thanksgiving get thrown in when the birthday plans are settled. The bigger the event is, the sooner it starts occupying my mind.

I don't know why, i can't help it. At least I've gotten better about not talking about it until the more socially acceptable 2 weeks. Well, with some things. Other things the words just tumble out of my mouth to the few people i can talk about it with. I can keep a secret, but everyone knows i'm keeping it.

I can put some theories to rest though. For some people, i am not becoming your sister in law in a couple months. For other people, Doctor Shiva the Destroyer is not actively worried that i'm going to die in a couple months. This thing will most likely be a very good thing and i'm hoping any bad parts will be mild.

There that's the closest i can get to saying stuff but not jinxing it.

This bug is kicking my butt

So quick updates cause i've been remiss in my blogging.

• Christmas Eve was busy but wonderful. The feast of the Seven Fish went off with a few mild hick-ups but overall, we had plenty of food and good wine. 
• My Christmas with the family was a lot of fun, and i got a bunch of much appreciated gifts. 
• I spent the week between Christmas and New Years Eve cleaning, mending, and doing odd projects
• Then New Years Eve morning, i took a plane and caught up with Boyfriend Jon in California for a week where i was introduced to a much more extended selection of his family and friends, and took the first vacation when i actually relaxed rather than doing a marathon of tourist-ing and shopping. 
• Boyfriend Jon's family is so warm and inviting if a little crazy and bustling and loud. New years eve had at least thirty people over, and the party to celebrate Nick's graduation from the fire academy had 40+ people. It was really overwhelming but everyone was very nice to me. 

When the party was over, i had developed a small cough and some bubbling in my right lung. It didn't seem bad so we just went to bed. 

But at 3am i woke up and couldn't get warm, not even by getting the extra blanket from the closet. And suddenly the coughing was much worse. My shivering woke up Jon who came to snuggle but instantly noticed that i was burning up. Next thing i know, the wonderful man has gotten dressed and gone out into the night to get me medicine. I tried to go back to sleep after that, but i was still cold, and getting stiff and sore. 

When we woke up to pack for the trip back i felt like an old woman, i couldn't move except to hobble, and the simple task of packing took much longer than it should have. We boarded the plane and for the first time in my life, i slept during the flight. I never sleep on planes cause there's too much to look at. When my mother heard this upon picking us up, she even commented, "oh you really ARE sick". 

So for the rest of the weekend and into the week, i fought the bug. And by fought i meant passed out on the couch and snored and was pathetic. Finally when it hit the point where i had had the bubbling in my lung for a full week, i went to the doctor. 

My normal doctor couldn't see me, so i was introduced to another. This lady was a young, slender, soft spoken asian-indian woman with no trace of accent, who checked me over and then went Shiva the Destroyer on me. 

Now, it's worth noting that i hate hospitals. And having been an overall healthy kid, i almost never went into them. My parents developed a habit of, no need to go in if there's nothing wrong with you. So Annual Physicals happened every 3-5 years. When i had to start paying for them myself it became an "as needed" which turns out...translates to every 7 years. And usually it was because i was in there for something else. 

Like this time. Suddenly this sweet lady was pointing a menacing finger in my face and chastising me for not taking care of my health maintenance. I was scheduled for xray and bloodwork as penance for my forgetting. And she repeated with the same menacing finger pointed at me that she had better see me back in her office in "one week. one week, i mean it. I'll have the front desk start calling you no stop if i don't see you in here in exactly one week. Don't forget...i mean it....one week" as she was moving out the door. 

It's different than my other doctor. She just kind of has an "oh well," attitude about everything having to do with me. Quite frankly, it's nice to have someone who cares even if it does get that finger pointed in my face and her nurse is thoughtless and rude about her comments. 

Perhaps i've found a new doctor. Doctor Shiva the Destroyer. 

The Feast of the Seven Fishes

There's been quite a delay in my posts. Partially between a burn out from writing in general, and partially due to the chaos of the holiday season.

Updates:
Boyfriend Jon has gone off to the wilds (aka, California) to spend the holidays with his family. It leaves me with two weeks of pure alone time after work. Although i miss him terribly, I've already started putting it to use; cleaning my bathroom from top to bottom. I'll wash the floor tonight.
Other cleaning is in the works including an entire empty and reorganize of my cupboards, emptying and sorting of all the boxes that have miscellaneous items shoved inside them when i had company coming over. Maybe i'll actually figure out where on earth my second hammer went to.

Then i have projects galore to work on. Wood working and sewing projects which for the time being will remain unspecified because they're Christmas presents.

All i can say is i'm very happy that i found a wood supplier online that has bubinga, one of my favorite woods.

Also, in my family, we have a holiday tradition that many people don't know anything about. It's called the Feast of the Seven Fishes. It stems in my family from my grandfather, my dad's father, who was born in southern Italy. It's supposed to be very religiously related, but there's very little rhetoric in my family. We believe what we believe and that's all there is to it. The Feast of the Seven Fishes has it's own traditional meaning for us that has nothing to do with religion. It is a very special time.

When we were little, on Christmas Eve morning, dad would get us out of bed early, (7am), and treat us to hot chocolate at a coffee shop (which almost never happened during the rest of the year) then we would go to the local fish market and dad would carefully select and buy all kinds of fish and seafood. Shrimp, Sole, Salmon, Halibut, Clams, Crab (more about this later), Scallops, and occasionally Eel, Catfish, Trout, and other random seafood made the menu. Most years, we had no idea what was going to be on the table when everything was concocted.

Then we would stop off at the grocery store and pick up any extra ingredients that were necessary. Then it was back to the house. By that time, usually it was past noon, and food preparation began immediately. I always got tasked with shelling shrimp and de-boneing what i could. And my dad would cook everything, dressed in his blue and white striped apron, going in and out of the back door to check on things cooking in the BBQ.

When the shrimp was done, as with all holidays, i got put to setting the table, arranging shrimp around the rims of these short glasses with snowmen painted on them, and filling them with the sauces. I made sure we used the gold rimmed goblets with snowflakes, and pulled out the candles. And after my grandmother died, her favorite silverware was used.

My mother would go outside with a pair of garden nippers and bring back in several branches from our cedar trees and occasionally the neighbor's pine tree. Then she would arrange it all, with some pine cones and ribbon into a beautiful center piece.

It took all of us years to figure out how he did it, but all the dishes hit the table at the same time. At which point we would dig in to spinach and garlic halibut, seared scallops, grilled salmon, a plethora of other mouth watering dishes.

Even this makes me want to throw up!

When i was really little, everyone in the family would get a kick out of putting the cooked crab right next to my chair. Then dad on my left would rip off the legs and arms with gusto while i tried not to think about those horribly sickening sounds. Then being a trouble maker, he would leave the head of the crab staring at me. I couldn't have been more than five and he would try to get me to touch it, only to make it move when my finger was a hairs breath away.

One year my mother got the hair brained idea to run the cleaned out crab head through the dishwasher with the idea of keeping it to add to her collection of shells. Only she didn't count on my brother Johnny to be the one to empty the dishwasher that night. I'll give you three guesses as to what a sevenish year old boy did with a scary crab shell that made his little sister scream. Oh yeah, he chased me with it. It was cruel, but i survived usually by screaming so loud that my mother put a stop to it. Though to this day, i'm still terrified of crab in the shell. No problems with the meat, it's quite tasty actually. Just the disgusting, creepy, freakish exoskeleton, makes my stomach turn.

Anyway, that was the story when i was little. Now it's a whole different ballgame. Dad still throws a fit if any of us so much as thinks about not attending. But he always has volunteers to go do the fish shopping. When we had fifteen people to feed, the table would be filled with different dishes. Often only limited to seven KINDS of fish, but multiple variations of all of them. Now, we're all more health conscious. Baking instead of frying, and reducing the amounts of butter and cheeses in all the dishes. Also, my sister and I join in on the cooking often bringing a signature dish or two ourselves to save our dad some of the labor.

This year is another first. My sister finally finished her kitchen remodel and wants to host the Feast at her place. My father was giddy that he wouldn't have to cook. But then my sister ended up having to work. So we're going to try preparing some dishes ahead of time. And we won't be without some of my dad's signature dishes this time around.

NaNo 2011 - Day 14

I have really got to get more stern with myself over the subject of NaNo and the subject of sleep. Staying up until after midnight on a night when i need to be up at six is not a good idea. I know this very well from previous years when i have stumbled into work and done everything possible to not let my head droop onto my desk where i will surely fall into a deep snoring slumber.

Yet every year, i end up growing bags under my eyes and yawning through a meeting or two. Really, by now i should know better. And still, that didn't stop me from hitting the snooze button three times more than i should have...sleeping in an additional half hour this morning. Too late to grab a shower (thank god for dry shampoo) too late to put together a new outfit (thank god for cardigans) and too late to arrive on time (mostly because i almost forgot my badge).

But i'm here. Working away as my mind feels like it's filled with fuzz.

Three pieces of good news.

1) I decided to take a break at lunch and re-read what i have done so far in my story. It started out to just be a reminder, but I ended up listening to my voice as an author. I had been thinking that my story beginning was 14k words of pure crap. But in reality, it wasn't half bad. It's drawn out and there's very little to keep anyone reading, but the writing is good and my characters are talking a great deal more than normal. So thus far, it's just a slow start story. Which is better than i had expected from myself. I know we're all our worst critics. But it feels about 10x as molasses like when it takes you a day to get through each chapter.

2) I found my Kindle! it was hiding in the couch cushion. this is a good thing because over the weekend, i wasn't very inclined to write as i should have been and i was able to pick up the Hunger Games that i had just barely started before NaNo. Normally, i intensely dislike first person narrative books. But this one has genuinely captivated me. I like the setting and the character is believable. I'm always a sucker for a female who's a survivor. Although the story line is extremely similar to Battle Royale (Koushun Takami) which was written about 5 years earlier...it's still good in its own way. But then again, i adore the Avatar movie even though is basically Dances With Wolves.

3) On Sunday the 13th, i celebrated my 2 year anniversary with Boyfriend Jon. True to our normal form, we hung out with a friend, played some board games, went out for a good meal, wandered around the scary Walmart, then went home and went right back to writing. We lead such extravagant lives.
As for reaching the two year mark, all i can say is that it doesn't feel like it. Most of the time i still feel like we're in the giddy, silly, blissful stage usually seen around the three to six month stage of a relationship. I love this man and don't know what i'd do without him.

NaNo 2011 - Day 7

So last night, i finally got my timeline and route in order and went to bed thinking about how to write it. I woke up and was all energized to go.

I was in such a good mood that even an extra dump of work on my desk couldn't phase me. Cause as soon as I got home i was going to kick some NaNo butt! Hiiiyaaa!

And then my sister called.

Oh yeah, i'm the horrible daughter that forgot her mom's birthday...is tonight. In the words of Homer Simpson: D'OH!

Not to mention i found that apparently i'm taking her to the Verizon store tonight to help her pick out her new smart phone. Which since my mom is not extremely technologically savvy...means extensive answering of questions. Which will probably take a lot of time. Time i had hoped to get back into the swing (finally) of my story!

Yeah...life happens.

Getting swept up

You know the feeling that time slows down the closer it draws to an exciting event. Yeah, that's not happening for me.

So much is going on that i'm trying to just relax and flow with it. Boyfriend Jon is left on a jet plane again last night to go back to California again. He's going to be gone all weekend. I'm a little bit, just a tiny little bit, glad he's going to be gone. Sure i'll miss him like crazy and probably take a flying leap into his arms when he comes home, but i have so much to do this weekend.

Last year, i slid myself into position to do a graphics project at work, designing the next year's company poster. I came in with 2 weeks to deadline and the team and I knocked it out of the ballpark. People are still (it's october) commenting to me about how much they love the calendar and wanting to know if i'm going to be working on it again.

I'm excited to say, I am. :D

I got the go ahead yesterday to start designing the 2012 calendar. More specifically, i got the go ahead to play around with 4-6 different options to give the team options to choose from before we pick one and get to work. There's a bunch things i really want to do differently. I want to take chances and try completely different layouts. The catch is that my company and the other members of the team are a lot more conservative than i am. So i'm limited in how much i can change things. But sometimes, things just work out for me.

One of the designs involves the beautiful planet Saturn, one of my favorites to mimic for digitial work. I plan on making that the one i root for (and maybe tweak to look a little bit nicer). But i also feel compelled to make a drastic change to the layout to allow for a completely different perspective than the rest of the team is expecting.

Honestly, i could sit and learn from Photoshop tutorials all day long and never be bored. It is a serious stress relief to me. Even if i'm having trouble with the steps, i still can't tear myself way from it. And it's the best feeling in the world to finally get it right. Triumph will be mine.

To give the calendar a completely different feel from last year, i even get to learn new techniques. It's going to be so much fun. And, i'm getting paid for this. Best weekend ever!

When left unattended....

Boyfriend Jon was gone all weekend with his family, leaving me to my own devices which may or may not have been a good idea. Turns out my life is totally boring without him around.

Friday, i went to see my college buddy's brand new, just got the keys condo....of which they had already tore out the carpet and tile. They were laying in snap together fake wood flooring and my girlfriend was trying to use a floor filler on the very much destroyed chip-crete floor next to the entryway. Upon suggesting that she use floor leveler for that much area, we realized all of the chip-crete was a loss thanks to the jackhammer when the tile was removed. I mean, we were moving it around with our hands it was soo loose and cracked. So i drove her to Lowes and made sure she got the right stuff. Because of the 3 hour cure time, we decided to do some demolition instead so she handed me a hammer and we got to work. 

Her dad was impressed with my knowledge of home repair. I think originally he thought i would be useless because he tried to explain to me how to paint with a roller. (eye roll) Thankfully, we never ended up getting around to painting and i was able to keep my mouth shut from "oh please there's easier ways to do that." Eventually, through helping out with just about every problem he was having to teaching my girlfriend tricks to working with his tools...we found a respect for each other, craftsmen to craftswoman. We even got to talking about how to go about doing the crown molding and running a water line for a fridge with an ice maker.  

But by 5pm, i was dead tired from taking Boyfriend Jon to the airport at O-dark-thirty. So i went home.....ish. I stopped by target with an idea to cheer Boyfriend Jon up when he got home. I bought a black shirt, some iron on white letters and some red and glow in the dark shirt paint. I made my self a I (heart) My Geek tshirt to pick him up from the airport in...and then because it's me... i made it glow in the dark too. :D

I spent all day Saturday, doing laundry, doing the shirt project, cleaning and topped it off with making myself my favorite dinner. Let me just say...the shirt turned out AWESOME.

It only took me most of a day, but Big Bang Theory Season 4 was another winner. Didn't see some of those jokes coming and i like the addition of Amy Farafowler to the cast. But it was so SHORT! i felt like very little happened this season and the obligatory "cliff hanger" for the season was less than thrilling.
Also...TEAM LENARD AND PENNY!

What can i say? I root for the underdog.

Hello...i mean Goodbye September!

I can't believe that tomorrow is the start of October. I mean really, when the heck did September arrive let alone bolt outta here like a bullet train? The only real events i remember don't even feel like they were in September at all. I mean we had full on July and August sunshine all the way up til my birthday on the 24th. Heck, yesterday it got over 80 degrees! I slept with a fan and just a sheet! Where's the crisp air, the morning fog, the changing leaves?...ok i'll admit that the leaves are JUST beginning to change.

(warning, don't click on link unless you can resist Wikipedia)

Maybe if i listen closely i remember the Doppler Effect as September zooms by. And here's Sheldon for a visual:

In other news on of my birthday presents to myself arrived. Season 4 of Big Bang Theory. I only got to watch about 3 episodes before i made the leap to get rid of cable altogether. It's the only show i miss. So i bought it without having seen the episodes. Fingers crossed it doesn't disappoint...not that it ever has.

This morning, i took Boyfriend Jon to the airport, leaving the house at just after 4. I'm an early bird and i guess i finally did get to see some morning fog and feel the crisp cool air. It was invigorating, i got home at about 5:15 and flopped on my bed and didn't think i could fall asleep. I laid there for about a half hour and seriously considered getting up and just going in to work over an hour early.

The next thing i know my alarm to tell me to get out of the house to go to work went off. At this point...i'm surprised that it didn't take a come along leaver to get me out of bed. Suddenly, I was SOOO exhausted and at that point, my brain seriously began to consider calling in sick and just skipping work today.

I've already had two cups of coffee and still feel like a wrung out sack o-potatoes.....or something similar to that metaphor. Going back for a third.

Broke, Frustrated and Getting By

Most of these last couple of weeks I've just been overwhelmed. I've had a lot of bills come in at inconvenient intervals, and lots of things i needed to spend money on. With my rent, car payment, car tabs, and a medical bill all coming out of the same paycheck, i was effectively broke. And I hate being broke. This doesn't happen often. It's gotten tight before but I've never been down this low for this long. At least looking back, i had some fun.

Two weeks ago, I attended my first Bachelorette Party. It was...interesting. I have no problem with nudity, having been an art student for several years. But paying that much to watch very skinny women took their tops off while the hunky men kept their briefs on...was kind of a let down. However, there were plenty of cirque du sole style acrobats and feats of sheer strength which were amazing to watch. I personally could have done without the furry and bondage acts though. Not my thing.

I was also designated driver. Also not a problem since i rarely drink. But it never fails to amuse me how people claim they're not drunk when they can barely walk in a straight line. And the bachelorette took the cake with her quote for the night. I showed them my bamboo parasol that i had just purchased and she took one look at it and said "Do you have any idea how big of a drink you could fit that in?" as she swayed in her heels. Everyone got home safe and had a good time.

That was the end of the festivities for a while:

I was asked to help fill in for a position that was abruptly vacated (in a good way) which had nothing to do with anything i'd ever done before. I was told that i would get written instructions, 1 on 1 training, and be able to call on the person who designed the position for help if i had questions.

Heh, yeah right. Not only were there no written instructions anywhere, i had about 2 hours of instruction before my trainer went on a week's vacation. This also took 2-3 hours of my workday away to fumble through my new appointment with no allowance for overtime. My team was not happy about loosing my assistance and made a point of telling me so like it was my fault. And the two women who have been the bane of my existence had a field day with my mess ups and passive aggressive conversations on the other side of a cubicle wall.

I've been miserable in pretty much every regard of my job for the last two weeks. Boyfriend Jon has been a saving grace listening to my broken record of "i hate this and this and that too." I know i should be grateful to even have a job in this economy, but i don't feel grateful to work in a hostile work environment where nothing ever changes no matter how much you shine.

I drove my frustrations into physical work. I think this is the first Monday where there are no clothes to be folded, no dishes piled high on the sink, and no sentient life growing in the fridge. There are still my containers of random junk that i haven't put away properly scattered all around and a large garbage bag of mixed up keep, junk and trash from my car. I had planned on getting some of them taken care of, but instead spent the time outside enjoying the rare beautiful weather at a potluck with friends, car shopping with Jon and a Poker night with more friends.

Oh the car shopping. Boyfriend Jon is looking at cars. So it's been a couple weeks of going to dealerships and trying to not cringe away from the salesmen, test driving, and hours of talking about the pros and cons of each car. But he thinks we found it, even though we went there on a lark. Watching him, reminded me so much of when i bought my first car. I remember that feeling of "I'm tired of looking, this is my car!" and the knot of anxiety in your stomach when you start taking numbers. I remember researching that car to death and in several cases, knowing more than the salesman. I was determined to not let them screw me over and in the end, and even my dad was proud of how much i got knocked off the sticker price. We'll see what happens in the near future for Boyfriend Jon. Whatever the case may be, i'm behind him 100%.

Too many cooks spoils the sauce

The garage sale was in a word, chaotic. By the time the signs went up on Friday, everyone was already stressed. The weather decided it would be funny to rain for 2 out of 3 days and we had way too many people all very willing to help but ultimately adding to the chaos. 

In addition to the family, we had the neighbor kids who helped set up, make signs (which were cute, but barely readable) and then set up a lemonade stand to stop them from running around like crazy. Their grandparents who brought a ton of random items, and my sister's coworker's wife and her infant were also there. Then the neighbors joined in. It was crowded and loud and everyone was in each other's way and no one was 100% sure how low negotiating could go since there were so many people's stuff there. 

I don't ever want to do a garage sale again. By opening time on Sunday, i was ready to call it quits. I had had enough of the arguing, the chaos and the stress. After talking with my dad, i stuck it out even though i had zero enthusiasm left. Thankfully by Sunday, everything was very quiet. We ended up watching Demolition Man to stay awake while the rain did it's best to soak us out.

Between everyone we sold about 1000 dollars worth of our old stuff. This included some big dollar items such as the piano i spent twelve years learning on, some dressers, electronics, and other furniture. As for me, i got rid of some knick knacks but none of the major items i was hoping to get some moola for. I came away with just over $40 which will be put towards a folding table for entertaining, crafts and general space saving abilities in my tiny apartment. But i'm just glad that now i'll have room to move around...once i fold laundry that is. 

My saving grace this weekend was Boyfriend Jon who got me not just one beautiful bouquet, but three to help cheer me up. And then we watched and concluded the LOTR extended edition blue rays. It explained a lot of things i forgot about since i haven't read the books in a long time. But it was just nice to sit and relax with no one clamoring for my attention every five seconds. Oh, and the double stuffed Oreos might have helped some too. 

The Apartment Re-Do

One of these days i'll get the hang of relaxing instead of working on the weekend. My arm muscles sure wish i would since they're protesting even the amount of moving needed for typing.

This weekend was the big re-do of my apartment. I have been sick to death of not being organized and having no where to put all the random stuff. My family has decided to do a garage sale next month and it's lighting a fire under me to get RID of everything in my house that i never use and have no idea what i was thinking when i got it.

Friday, I brought home the new headboard and went shopping at Walmart for new organizing stuff. Boyfriend Jon (aka sweetest boyfriend in the world) agreed to come over after he got off of work to help me put the bed together. I spent the remaining time covering paper ream boxes with contact paper. This ended up being so easy and the final product was awesome. They're still a little plain, but they look great and i can spruce them up anytime. Starting with making labels for them that aren't made out of post it notes.

Saturday, we finally took down my hanging bookshelf to make room for the much taller headboard and as soon as we put it in place, we started noticing something. It looked really high. I was undaunted, since i was certain that i had done my math correctly. Original 9 inch legs, plus ten inches of lift, plus an additional 10 inches for the mattress would just a little bit taller than my old bed had been (28 inches).

We pounded the stilts into place with my motorcycle boot for lack of a sturdy rubber mallet and then we put the frame together. Finally the mattress went on and Boyfriend Jon gave me a dubious look. It was REALLY tall. So we pulled out the tape measures. 32 3/4 inches tall. i was BAFFLED. How the heck did i mess that up? And then i realized, the ledge that the slats for the mattress to sit on is not the same as the bottom of the board. I totally missed it in my measurements. So after i kicked myself and called my dad to see what i should do. An hour later, Boyfriend Jon was holding on while i used a saws-all to lop off 3.5 inches from the bottom of the stilts. So much for my tricky foot cap that i made.

In the end, the bed looks awesome...maybe not against my Ikea nightstand and my filing cabinet/second nightstand. But it's getting there. Pretty soon i'll have some kind of theme in my bedroom.

Apparently however, my brain was not done working for the weekend. Because as soon as the bed was done, i was attacking the mess while Boyfriend Jon beat a wise and hasty retreat. I returned the storage bins i had bought on Friday and purchased ones of the right size since the stilt shrinkage. I also bought (and would end up returning and re-buying) drawers for my bathroom cabinet to organize there too. I spirited away all the winter coats, sweaters, and bulky linens that were piled high in the corners. I corralled all the miscellaneous items that had been underfoot for months. I sectioned off the living room into "Keep", "Trash", "Garage Sale", and "Clothes" and began depositing items accordingly. I couldn't walk through my kitchen due to the laundry basket of books and my bookcase. I even went through my pants, trying each one on to figure out which ones fit now and which ones had the promise of fitting without drastic weight loss.

I still have a mountain of clothes that need to be gone through and re-folded...my least favorite task, but at least I found several summer clothes i thought had mistakenly been donated. WIN!

When the dust settles in the next few days, i hope to have a clean and organized...and able to be kept that way, apartment.

Going to work to relax

Normally, weekends are reserved for resting. However i spent the entire weekend (except for the evenings watching movies with Boyfriend Jon while he rubbed my aching feet) working like a nutcase.

Friday, i spent putting the second coat on the end/coffee tables which really look good, and making the cuts for the stilts for the bed. It was slow but progressive. I had to keep reminding myself that i have the knowledge and skills to do the stilts without my dad. That waiting was not an option and that my methods were the right way to do this project. It's silly, but when you've spent over 20 years doing every single project with your dad by your side...it's difficult to maintain confidence when doing a completely new project. Especially in the early stages when there's so much planning, and measuring and figuring out how much wood to cut that you can get easily confused. But I stuck with it and churned out the cuts. Afterwards, I went over to Jon's and fell asleep early.

Saturday, i mitered all the edges (cut them at a 45 degree angle) and glued them up. Dad has always told me never to use the air gun alone, but since no one was around and it was only noon on Saturday, i couldn't let the rest of the day go to waste. I got lucky on three separate occasions where the nail decided to bend dramatically and shoot out of the board where it wasn't supposed to.....right next to my fingers. It was unnerving to say the least, but i steeled myself and pushed through. By dinner time, they were done and i had filled the holes with wood putty. I left around 7 after putting a third and final coat on the tops of my end tables which looked spectacular.

That night, Boyfriend Jon and I snuggled up to watch the 1980 version of Flash Gorden, a super super cheesy space opera with music by Queen and starring Topol (the father from Fiddler on the Roof), Timothy Dalton (Did a few of the Bond Movies) and a couple others who were big before i was alive. Jon hadn't seen it before and i had grown up with it. But it was hilarious to see just how cheesy it got in some places. Things you don't really remember as a kid now have more dual-meaning and more hand-over-the-mouth understanding. If you haven't seen it before, it's worth at least one watch. It's so bad that it's good.

Sunday, I spent working with my sister, helping her put up molding in her living room and entry area. When we were done, we were high fiving and bragging about how even dad couldn't have done a better job on some of the non-45 degree angles we had figured out by ourselves. Then i got some brown paint for the bed frame and went to attach the paneling to the back of the headboard. My sister joined me shortly there-after to help with the painting of the stilts and the frame. I worked until 7:30 that night before my feet and back were loudly protesting.

Boyfriend Jon took sweetness to a new level, specially making me some pot stickers and serving me while i sat at his table, kind of glazed over and covered in sawdust and paint flecks. He then put on a movie called "The Air Up There" with Kevin Bacon as a Basketball scout who goes to Africa to find a giant he saw by accident but has major promise as an NBA star. But the kid won't leave because of his tribe, so Kevin's character Jimmy...starts trying to influence him to leave by doing everything the way the natives do. As you may have guessed....hilarity ensues.

And for most of the movie...Boyfriend Jon rubbed my aching feet.
I. Am. So. Unbelievably. Lucky. <3