It was the hardest day of my life. Holding him, giving him extra treats, taking off his harness and using my long nails to give him a good scratch in all the hard to reach places. I was crying so hard the whole way as dad tried to talk me out of going into the room.
"It will upset you terribly" he said.
"I know." i replied
"You really don't know." he pressed.
"I'd feel worse if i didn't."
There were so many things i wanted to say but every time i got started my throat felt like it closed off. I think that was the quietest car ride my dad and i had ever shared.
In the end, I didn't go into the room. The vet requested that if a family member couldn't keep it together, that they weren't present. I knew there was no way i could watch my puppy slip away without bawling. So i sat in the car crying into Molly's fur while she looked out the window probably hoping that dad would bring food back for her. Indeed when a beagle was being walked near the car, she kept licking her chops. Finally i reminded her it was a beagle not a bagel.
Everything else yesterday was trying to get from one task to the other. Reading James Herriot to mom since she's still recovering from surgery. Trying to coordinate the family for tomorrow going to and from Seattle. Driving back with my sister and trying to figure out what in my closet would work for a bachelorette party. Cleaning out all the garbage in my car to get ready for camping this weekend. Forcing food down my throat despite it clamping up several times. Trying somehow to explain to Boyfriend Jon what i needed from him when i didn't even know myself. And finally falling into bed exhausted and feeling like a wrung out towel.
When it rains it pours.
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