Lapping everyone on the couch

My last post, i talked about all the changes that made the second half of my 2013 year SUCK. Needless to say, i wasn't focusing on ME at any point. I knew i was getting heavier and stress eating. So I avoided the scale and stairs like the plague.

About a week after Jon proposed, (so we're still back in November) we were scheduled to participate in a "get your numbers" health promotion which i was not looking forward to one bit. You go in, get poked and prodded and they give you your health numbers. Weight, BP, cholesterol, etc. Then counsel you on how to be healthy. Yeah, sounds like super duper fun, right?

But Jon wanted to do it especially with his workload he hadn't been taking care of himself either, and we both knew we needed and wanted to get our eating habits back in control. This would be a perfect opportunity to find our starting point. I put on a brave face, knowing my blood pressure numbers would make the nurse look at me in horrified shock. And indeed, he looked me square in the eye and said something cautionary about the variety of ways it could kill me too young.

But it wasn't until I got a reassuring look from Jon from across the room, that something clicked in my mind.

I'm getting married to this amazing man, and we only get the rest of our lives to be together. Do I want to cut that short?

Here was this future, that I had never considered the correlation with my health, staring me in the face. It wasn't all about getting thin for a wedding dress, though even I'll admit it's spurring some early extra effort. But my main reasons now are to live and spend as much time as possible with Jon. To be healthy enough to have children. Being healthy enough to help them grow and learn to be healthy as well.

I don't know why it took getting engaged for me to reach this realization. But, i hit my crossroads and turned to the harder path of weight-loss.

That week (still in November), i finally went to my doctor and to a local gym. In the past, I had dangerous collapsing issues. Aside from blood pressure, doctors couldn't figure out why it was happening. I tried to get my blood pressure under control, but i wasn't rich enough to handle the cost of multiple visits to the doctor. So i just tried to ignore it til it went away. Doctor Shiva-the-destroyer (she's scary when she's mad) seemed dubious that this time my resolve was real, but she started the process to control my blood pressure and approved me to start a workout regimen under a trainer's supervision.

The gym was all too happy to sign me up early before adding me to Jon's insurance. They assigned me a trainer named Ally, who was a former nurse, for a trial personal trainer session. She was one of those ladies that clearly has never been overweight and is determined to be your own personal cheerleader for the smallest things. I found her extremely annoying. Those "i know you can do it"s were just frustrating. My experience told me that just when i thought i was doing it, i would collapse, stop breathing, and probably konk my head on the way down.

She had me do a maneuver i had told her had caused tunnel vision in the past (my warning signal), so clearly something i already didn't want to do. And sure enough, i was breathing hard and very nervous when she got down on her knees in front of me and said "I'm right here, i'm not going to let anything happen."

I believed her. Really, truly, fundamentally BELIEVED her. For the first time, i felt i could trust a stranger to see just how much this scared me. I couldn't help myself, i started tearing up. We talked past our allotted time and she kept saying: "The hardest thing you have to do, is come back the next few times. Despite the soreness, despite the worry, despite the scheduling. Make it happen the next few times and it will start getting easier."

By that point i was so emotionally raw, that i was almost ready to believe her if she said the moon was made of cheese. Almost :). But it made sense, so i bit the bullet and committed to SIX MONTHS of the 1/2 hour trainer sessions 2x a week. I had gotten a promotion and a raise which certainly helped a LOT with the budgeting, but i knew i had to make it work. Plus the six months was now paid for so my frugal side was now determined to get my money's worth.

I wasn't sore after the first workout, but the second, third, fifth, tenth....oh yeah! I could barely move for the first month after every session and i was convinced my workouts were negated by the couch potato i was becoming because i was too sore to move. I complained incessantly to Jon about how i hated being sore every minute of every day in every place imaginable.

And it was HARD. Hard going in and watching fit women strut around in their workout bras and short shorts (Strange that even my perception of fit women has changed, I used to call them "twigs", so rude of me). Hard trying to find workout clothes in my size (come on, if we're supposed to get down to those sizes, give us cute clothes to start with!). Hard changing your eating habits from chocolate to dried fruit. Hard going into a yoga studio with 15 other thin people who don't know what it's like to have your boobs try to smother you in bridges or twist yourself into a pretzel with fat thighs getting in the way!

I don't know who you are, but you rock lady!

But with Ally's reminders at the end of every session "just come back", and the money already spent...i kept going in and teasing her about what new torture she had in store for me today. The first month, i thought i saw or felt a few changes, but it was nothing i could point at and say "it's gone!". The second month, i noticed that certain spots were less squishy, and i had bulges from muscles that were not there before. And then i realized recently, that i wanted more; I wasn't even tired after the 30 minute sessions. So i asked Ally for more butt-kicking.

It's been 3 months with Ally's ministrations and keeping my blood pressure in check.

• I'm just a few pounds shy of my first 20lbs
• I can do a full set of 10 pushups
• I can do almost 45 seconds of planks
• I'm not gasping for breath at the top of the stairs of our 3rd floor apartment
• I'm doing yoga weekly, increasing my flexibility and endurance
• I've only had 2 dizzy spells but no collapses. 
• My energy level has skyrocketed
• I can take my jeans off without unbuttoning
• Subsequently, I now require a belt
• Both Jon and I are eating healthier
• Co-workers have started commenting that i look like i've lost weight. 

In the scope of my goals, this is only the beginning. There's a long way to go and i'm thankful every day for Ally being my personal trainer and cheerleader. I'm thankful Jon is so supportive: Jon even signed up for his own trainer and regimen citing me as inspiration. "If you can do what you're doing with all the extra health crap on top...i have no excuse."

Don't think i've ever been someone's health inspiration before. It's still so tempting to eat a pint of ice cream, or an entire bucket of extra butter popcorn. It would be SO easy to just go back to ignoring it.
I don't think i'll ever WANT to workout over a netflix marathon. Or consider half a sandwich a meal. But it's becoming easier to make the choice for the healthier options.

For now, i know that i'm re-upping on the personal trainer sessions when the six months expires. I'm not confident enough to workout alone with the risk of collapsing still there. I'm thrilled to be seeing some tangible results, but I'm not satisfied yet. I never expect to be super thin or on the cover of a fitness magazine. Heck if i manage to make it to size 10, i'll be thinner than i've been since i hit puberty. Even if i'm never running around in a pushup bra and short shorts, just getting my body healthy will be enough for me. I just want to be healthy enough to live out my life.

Oh, and do the splits again. Yeah, that would be awesome at any weight.

Been a while...Been a crappy summer

I haven't posted anything since June 18th. that's over 6 months now. I had an immensely crappy summer followed by an even worse fall, then November hit and there was an even bigger surprise. Mostly there was so much going on that i never had the emotional time to get all my thoughts out into a post. The rest of it was not the sort of things i want the details of all over the internet. I'll try to tell the stories as best i can without revealing too much.

In my last post, i talked all the things that were gone.

Such as Boyfriend Jon's work schedule. That started in April....and didn't end until late October. 12 hour days, almost every day of the week. He was exhausted and frustrated nearly all the time. To each of our credit, we only had one blowout where our emotional turmoil got the best of us and we took it out on each other verbally. But even that only lasted one angry phone call and we made up a few hours later. I don't want to sound like i'm a needy clingy person...but i missed him whenever he was gone. Our time to be together became infrequent but precious. Still we managed to get in a few camping trips and a couple weekends where literally all we did was simply BE at home together.
Of course...when the schedule ended, it was weird. And i ended up having to ask him to be out of the house so i could finish his christmas gifts without him seeing. A compromise was found where i worked behind a screen (a folding table leaning up against the couch blocking my work from his view...but he could still see my face).

Another thing is gone...and all i can say is good riddance. Someone i care about deeply was in a relationship with...well....the only way i can think of him now is as a con artist. Because that's what he did. He came in like a whirlwind and swept a very grounded person off her feet. He charmed her and wooed her and even put a ring on her finger.
But then things started to sour over the summer. He had tales of woe about his finances and he worked all the time. He was a very private person so he didn't want her talking to others about the problems he was having. So quietly, she helped fund so many things for him. Because she loved him, completely. Even moved to a different city, into a house that was awful for her elderly dog and had spiders infesting the lawn....but the money started running out. And things started to get worse. We all knew something was up, but she wouldn't tell us any details.
And one day...in an email...he ended everything and said he was moving out and only showed up once more to get his stuff, clearly having tried to time it so she wouldn't be there.
With a lot of coaxing, the whole story started coming out. The family and the friends were all shocked. We had all been conned by his entrancing stories, the seemingly unbreakable devotion he displayed for her, the simple fact that she was completely in love. He conned everyone, myself included, and shattered her heart.

So we did what friends and family do best. We circled the wagons around her and helped her get back on her feet. We talked, hugged, and helped until she was grounded again.
I'm so proud to say that she used this crappy experience to change careers into something that made her happy (and made her more money), she moved out of that house and into a new temporary place until she can move back to the city that suits her personality, and she is making plans to go back to school. She really channeled her anger and hurt into a very positive path.

Fast forward to September, and i'll tell you the rest of my crappy 6 months.

My uncle fell off his deck onto his head/shoulder area. Even worse luck...his head managed to find a single loose brick on the ground for it to land on.
Thankfully, someone was home and heard the crash and found him almost immediately so he was able to get help right away.
The tally of injuries were as follows: His left ear was nearly severed, a massive concussion, broken collarbone and shoulder blade, 5 broken ribs on his left side and 2 on his right, and he somehow managed to rip his toenail off. He was on a breathing and feeding tube for 2 full weeks, and in the ICU at Harborview for 2 months, then he was kept in the Acute care for an additional month. Thankfully the amazing doctors and nurses and PT trainers did an amazing job and my uncle is almost back to his usual self.
During this time, tempers and emotions were high to put things mildly. Somehow my mother and I ended up trying to be the peace keepers between certain members of the families, both working from opposite angles. That took up every ounce of my mental and emotional strength since i could see both sides merits and shortcomings.

I celebrated the day my uncle was able to go home with some reservations. I was so so so happy that he had recovered enough to go home. But i worried about the emotional healing and the fortitude of several parties involved.
Things seem to have found an unsteady equilibrium, but i check in every now and then to see if i can lend an ear or a different perspective.

Then when i thought i couldn't take another major change, November 1st hit.

Standing in front of my NaNoWriMo group of dear friends, Boyfriend Jon, not typically a big speech maker,  put his arm around me and started a countdown, explaining all our milestones:

6 NaNoWriMo's have been done while we've known each other
5 NaNo's that we've done together as a couple
4 year anniversary
3 cheers for all the work i put into my meetings
2 writers in love
1 simple question

and he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.

to which i replied, with my usual eloquence,..."oh hell yeah."

Honestly, i could never have gotten through the shit storm that was my 2013 summer and fall without him by my side. And it was an amazing turn around from all the awfulness to have something so wonderful to celebrate.

I listened to my grandmother's uncouth advice when i picked him: "Will you still love him when he farts and has sagging parts?" and the answer is yes. I've never imagined being married to anyone until i met him. there was always a family, but the future husband was always faceless and abstract in my daydreams. Now i see Jon, clearly, across the daydreamed dinner table with kids screaming about not wanting to eat peas, and i can already hear the jokes he's going to crack. Or the calm and sage advice he'll pull out just when i'm ready to tear my hair out over a really bad day. I don't need a diamond and a huge party. I just need him with me to face whatever the future brings.

So it is my pleasure to introduce you to my Betrothed.

Gone

These last couple have weeks have been all about people being gone.

Boyfriend Jon is working harder than ever this summer. Since i leave for work before 7am and he's starting to frequently get home between 8-9pm, i hardly see him. To give credit where credit is due. Boyfriend Jon took on some extra chores to help out and i've been seeing random bouquets often, so i know he's thinking of me as much as i'm thinking of him.

It's weird having my live in-best friend gone all the time. It makes me thankful for Kira-dog to make sure i have company even if she just ignores me when i talk to her. He finally walks in and flops on the couch just in time for me to announce i need to head to bed so i can get up again for work. Often our only interactions are a few emails during the day, and a brief summary of our days before bed.

But what we lack in interaction during the week we more than make up for on the weekends. Boyfriend Jon has been serenading me with his ukulele, following me to family functions, going with me to the dog parks, and even trying to bake something together.

Allow me to segue into our "I Love Lucy-esque Malasada Blob Fiasco". We decided it would be fun to try to make Malasadas (Portuguese doughnut that is so popular in Hawaii that the day before lent is known as Malasada Day). We probably should have known that we were in trouble when the recipe called for 9 teaspoons of yeast, 12 eggs and 5lbs of flour.
But we pushed on in ignorance...having to get creative with my kitchenaid to fit all these ingredients in the bowl. Then came the blob as all that yeast got to work and it spilled over the sides of the largest aluminum pan we could find at the grocery store.
It was at this point Boyfriend Jon started singing the "i love lucy" theme song making us both laugh hysterically. Plus the dough was sticky, gloopy, and got all over the place as we tried to drop clumps into hot oil without burning ourselves. The end result was pretty tasty, b
ut we had at least 100 malasadas for 7 people.

There's another person in my life who is gone. Leila Ball, whom i always called grandma, passed away last week. Even though technically she's only my cousin's grandma. So....grandma in law? But since we spent our childhoods together, i and my brother Johnny got rolled into the Grandkids group. The news was expected since she was 90+ with cancer and having a very rough time of it. While i will miss her gentle voice at our family gatherings, i'm glad she's no longer in pain.


And finally there's another missing piece of my life. My father retired and decided he wanted to travel the USA immediately after. So they've packed up and left my childhood home behind headed for Idaho, Yosemite, South Dakota, Georgia, Virginia, and New York. For a month and a half, my parents...who are totally homebodies and rarely leave a 5 mile radius...are completely gone. Out of state, incommunicado, gone.

I like to think i don't rely on them very much, but knowing that Boyfriend Jon scoffs whenever i say that....it's very weird to know they're gone. My brother will be house sitting soon, but i went over last night to check on the house and was overwhelmed by this creepy feeling of a dead silent house. Coming from a 6 person family, that house has never in my life been that quiet. Sure I've been over there when there's no one home, but even then, the furnace or AC is on, my mom's computer whirring. Perhaps it was just my imagination, but the profound silence creeped me out!

I'm certain that myself, my siblings, my cousins, and Boyfriend Jon will all adjust just fine to the sudden changes, but the suddenness of so many things being gone
all at once really hit me last night, standing in the silence and heat of a house that no one calls home right now. It feels like something big just happened yet i know it's no big deal.

After 2 Months with the Porch Potty

So following up the design and construction of the Porch Potty for Kira, here is how it worked for us.

Good stuff!

1. Kira now uses the Porch Potty on her own. It only took about 2 weeks before she understood that that was her home potty, and that the green stuff downstairs was ok to pee in too. Now we have no more issues with her bathroom needs. 
2. We added a dog door insert for a sliding glass door so that she could go out there without us. 
• A bunch of cheese, treats, and throwing her precious dog toys outside, or putting her outside and walking away while calling to her eventually got her to push her way through without problem. Don't give up on this training. 
• This was safe for us since the walls of our patio are solid and there's only a tiny gap underneath that she can't possibly fit through. If you're in an apartment where its safe, i highly recommend these. We got ours second hand from craigslist for 70$ as opposed to the 150+ or retail. 
• We had to remove the heavy plastic flap for something more lightweight. It wasn't as air tight, but now she has no fear of the clank the other one was making. 
3. The cleanup has been a breeze with the latest set up. 

The Refining Process (things we changed):

1. I had forgotten to go buy the kitty litter in my initial design when we set this up. So instead, we put pee pads underneath the tray for the sod to drip the pee onto. This worked pretty well until it rained...more on that later.
2. We started with Sod from my parents back yard. Unfortunately Kira decided that this was a tasty treat and proceeded to try to eat the sod. 
3. We then switched to a commercial sod that was low cut and not as easy for her to pull up. While she didn't eat this as much, it was comprised of a clay like dirt that held onto the water (pee) very well and quickly developed a stench.
4. So then we got some second hand Astroturf. and cut it so it fit inside of the tray. Yes, it drained just fine.
• I cut the astro turf so i could tuck a little edge underneath, then used a heavy duty staple gun to secure the turf to the plastic tray. Make sure you get all the stray threads/corners clipped or tucked under. 
• This was around the time that Kira figured out how to escape her pen and we tried leaving her alone during the day. Let's just say....the first several rounds of astroturf....didn't fare to well against a bored puppy. 
• So we stopped leaving her out and now we've had the same astroturf in place for over a month. 
5. Back to the pee pads. It's pretty easy to tell when the pee pads need to be changed. They started to smell through the astroturf. And also, living in the great northwest means rainstorms hold more water than puppy pads can hold. From experience i can tell you it's not fun lifting up the tray to find an inch of pee infused water. 
6. So we finally got some odor control kitty litter and put that on top of some pee pads under the tray (kitty littler is dangerous for dogs to eat so make sure you have a barrier between the two). Now we just scoop out the clumps every few days and add a little more kitty litter when it's getting low. Really i think this was the best solution after all. Can't believe it took me over a month to go get some silly kitty litter! 

The final "perfect" solution: From top down. 

Astroturf, secured to tray with heavy duty staples along the edges. 

plastic soda tray

Kitty litter

pee pads/plastic 

wooden tray frame

Maintenance Routine:

Every couple of days we scoop out the clumps and flush them. Adding more kitty litter if needed. 

Once a week, I take the tray with the attached astroturf into the shower and run water on it for a few minutes to clean it off.  

Next month, i plan to spray it with some detergent to give it a good cleaning. Should last a long time.

If I didn't have a dog...

Today Kira is 6 months old. What did we do for this milestone? We took her to get spayed, chipped, and her teeth cleaned. The surgery went well and she's recovering at the vet's until i pick her up tomorrow. But still, that's 28 hours without my dog!!

Boyfriend Jon dropped her off this morning and sent me this text: : "She's been dropped off. Didn't even look back when the Dr. took her. Said they'll call in 1-2 hours to let us know how the surgery went."

Of course this led to all sorts of jokes revolving around "It's all fun and games until someone gets put in a cone!"

As i continued my day at work, i had to keep reminding myself that Kira wasn't where she normally was.

And by lunchtime, i found myself remembering what it was like to not have a dog...and feeling so sad that i thought i had a full life back then. Just 4 months my life has totally changed to the point where just a few hours without her makes me feel like a fish out of water.

If I didn't have Kira...

• There would be no nose art on my car's windows which drive my window OCD crazy
• I wouldn't have to put away the car seat covers which take the place of having passengers
• My car wouldn't have a faint odor of wet dog from our many trips to the dog park
• Boyfriend Jon and I wouldn't head home every single day at lunch to find what new piece of her bathroom she's torn to pieces because we're gone. 
• I wouldn't have to include the status of every bowl movement in each conversation with Boyfriend Jon
• I wouldn't have to fight to get her off the couch when i'm eating something
• My favorite tv shows and even conversations wouldn't have to compete with her INCESSANT squeaky snake!
• I wouldn't have nail and teeth marks all over my body from the jumping, pawing, and missing the toy and accidentally biting my fingers when we're playing.
• I wouldn't have an area of my home that smells like a urinal.
• Our floor wouldn't be littered with dog toys, rawhide bones, tennis balls and bits of fluff from who knows what. 
• Boyfriend Jon and I could get amorous without her intense desire to investigate!!!!!

But at the same time, If i didn't have Kira....

• I wouldn't have a co-pilot who whines and paws at me until i put down the window for her to stick her head out so she can channel her inner BAT DOG!!!!
• I wouldn't have someone to warm my feet when i'm curled on the couch.
• I wouldn't have someone who was bat shit crazy ecstatic that i came home (ok, Boyfriend Jon does a pretty good job of this but he just can't wiggle his butt quite that fast)
• I wouldn't have someone come and lick my hand clean when i'm sick or not felling well on the couch.
• I wouldn't have so much pride at all the commands and tricks Kira has learned in just six months without professional training. 
• I wouldn't have video after video and picture after picture which make me laugh even when i'm in the blackest moods

I guess once you go wet noses and fur, you can't go back. I can't wait to have my pup back home where she belongs.