Thank you Mark for the ego boost, it made me smile. There's something to be said for a good set of high heeled boots, new jeans and an ipod.
However enough is enough. I apparently weigh about 50lbs heavier than i look, wear an unacceptable size of pants and I'm embarrased by photgraphs of myself. What's worse? I'm not healthy.
My roommate and I are now workout buddies. Since it's more fun, and more of an incentive to have a friend doing the same things as you are, trying to reach the similar goals. Both of us agreed that we are neither healthy nor happy. We're going to be working out together at least twice a week.
I'm going to throw in an additional workout day on fridays right after i get off of work, since that's at like noon anyway and it's not like i do much with that extra weekend time right now anyway.
I've seriously been considering taking up a yoga class for that friday time...but those things are unbeliveably expensive in my area. I know that if i don't get somewhere that's convienient, i'll find more and more excuses to not go as time goes on. So i'm looking at some possibities and running some numbers. Investing in a few DVD's and a mat is becoming more and more realistic.
For myself, I don't expect to become lythe and waif-like. It's not a realistic idea for someone with my body style. as much as i would rather not admit it...i'm stocky. I have curves, no doubt, extra even. But i'm solid and built with a lot of muscle up on top. I have wide shoulders, bicepts, a solid core, and thighs that are primarily muscle. Even without working out for months, i can be poked in the stomach and there are muscles under that pudge.
But i worry constantly about working out. I collapsed twice this last year from doing things i used to consider mild exercise (walking up a hill near my house, and mowing the lawn). My doctors have no idea what's going on. They basically came down to dehydration, not breathing properly, over heating, and high blood pressure. But they can't explain why i apparently convulsed some (don't ask me, i was o.u.t.). There's no reasonable explanation that they could come up with, even after a pleathora of tests.
I hate that feeling I get right before it happens, my blood pulse under the skin of my face and a wave of cold.
I hate that even though I have that warning, by then I'm not able to function to warn anyone. I'm either going to collapse or i'll recover.
I hate watching the ground come up at me and thinking "oh hey, the ground is getting closer" for lack of anything more intelligent to think.
I hate waking up with everyone clustered around me screaming at me to wake up.
I hate causing that scare for them.
I hate that feeling of "oh shit, what the hell just happend" because then I start panicking.
I hate panicking.
I hate that everyone keeps trying to diagnose me themselves.
I hate being poked and prodded and no explanations to show for it.
I hate being a lab rat.
That all being said, I've done the only thing I'm able to at this point. I've warned my roommate. I've told her what happens in the past, and what seems to work best for helping me after it.
She actually suprised me. I expected her to get all, oh my god, maybe we shouldn't do this! But instead she started telling me she had taken all the CPR and first aide classes, and how she would help me prevent it..."take it easy and lots of water". No revulsion, no worry...just very matter of fact. This is a problem an this is how we're gonna take care of it.
I feel like i'm in good hands.
On a side note: Due to some well made arguments, I've decided to allow comments on posts. To be clear, I'm not looking for sympathy, or for everyone to agree with me. Please, if you're going to argue with me, have a coherent, well reasoned or backed up argument. I dont' have time for childish cussings or "you're wrong because i think so".
But if there are comments you would like to leave for me to read and/or reply to, you can now do so. I will only delete comments that are spam or inappropriate.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Mom's insinuations
At my brother's birthday party, my mother and I got into a discussion that had been stewing for a long while. Thankfully this didn't happen in front of my brother, thus ruining his party, but it was one of those things that just couldn't stop once it started.
My family owns an island cottage. It's beautiful out there, with fresh water, fishing, swimming, and several generations of bald eagles that fish just a handful of feet off our dock. It's the perfect place to relax and I've spent the last 5 years, one day every weekend throughout each summer, working very hard out there. Since it's an old cabin, it needs repair and maintenance. So we work, then we play.
At age 20, I started asking if I could bring some of my girl-friends down there and spend the night (I'm female and interested in men so there was no issue of musical beds). My request was met with "Not without a chaperon". That same year, my brother (2 years my senior) was allowed to go down with his girlfriend, a buddy, and that buddy's girlfriend....unchaperoned. I know this was a double standard, and in itself, unfair; but I let it go and just dealt with it, biding my time.
Now two years later, I'm the same age as my brother was, and I wanted a mixed gender party down there with friends I've known since junior high, unchaperoned. Again, this group is not the kind that play musical beds. We just want to hang out and laugh and enjoy ourselves.
While my brothers went outside for a smoke, my mother took the opportunity to tell me no, not without a chaperon. My brother's girlfriend who had been out there when they went 2 years ago, was present for this discussion. When I asked my mother why...she began to imply that we would not comply with her wishes. I asked her directly what her wishes were. She said to quote: "I don't want you screwing around out there".
I understand that it's her house and her rules, and I've given her my word on four separate occasions that I will comply for those reasons. But in this instances, it's a non-issue. I don't have a boyfriend at the moment, I don't sleep around and I am most certainly not going to do so with long time friends (plural).
And because of that, I decided there had been enough beating around the bush about this. I told her I felt she was implying that I was a whore and that she had a double standard with this. This was clearly a direct attack on me since none of my other siblings were around. She told me there was no double standard and that it wasn't a direct attack. I know she hasn't had this same conversation with any of my other siblings. So I know she's either delusional, or trying to make herself sound better than she really is.
I felt very bad for my brother's girlfriend who got caught up in the middle of this and decided to take a walk around the block and then stay away from my mother for the rest of the night and instead concentrate on making my brother's party fun and enjoyable for everyone else. My brother's girlfriend told me she was not going to come to our house for a while because of the way my mom behaved and that she agreed with me and said I handled it very well. I don't really care one way or another on that, but my mom crossed the line both with me, and against the girlfriend.
I'm turning 22 within this month. I live on my own, I own my own car, live my own life, am true to my word and don't answer to her for my personal choices. I feel it is VERY wrong for her to dangle the cottage as a treat so long as I live the life she decides I should. I've worked just as hard, if not harder, as she has there, have agreed multiple times to comply with the rules of the cabin, but never been trusted. At this point, I'm insulted and hurt enough to write my mother off.
The only reason I wouldn't is because of my father. He trusts me, respects me and is realistic. He's been the chaperon and usually, once he decides to go to bed, he puts in earplugs and goes to sleep and trusts me to behave because there is no reason not to.
I will not be unfoundedly treated as untrustworthy, as a tramp, or with this level of disrespect especially from my mother. How can I resolve this to some kind of cordial relationship? This will be the end unless something changes. I want to be able to enjoy the island and have a nice relationship with her but she's making it impossible.
My family owns an island cottage. It's beautiful out there, with fresh water, fishing, swimming, and several generations of bald eagles that fish just a handful of feet off our dock. It's the perfect place to relax and I've spent the last 5 years, one day every weekend throughout each summer, working very hard out there. Since it's an old cabin, it needs repair and maintenance. So we work, then we play.
At age 20, I started asking if I could bring some of my girl-friends down there and spend the night (I'm female and interested in men so there was no issue of musical beds). My request was met with "Not without a chaperon". That same year, my brother (2 years my senior) was allowed to go down with his girlfriend, a buddy, and that buddy's girlfriend....unchaperoned. I know this was a double standard, and in itself, unfair; but I let it go and just dealt with it, biding my time.
Now two years later, I'm the same age as my brother was, and I wanted a mixed gender party down there with friends I've known since junior high, unchaperoned. Again, this group is not the kind that play musical beds. We just want to hang out and laugh and enjoy ourselves.
While my brothers went outside for a smoke, my mother took the opportunity to tell me no, not without a chaperon. My brother's girlfriend who had been out there when they went 2 years ago, was present for this discussion. When I asked my mother why...she began to imply that we would not comply with her wishes. I asked her directly what her wishes were. She said to quote: "I don't want you screwing around out there".
I understand that it's her house and her rules, and I've given her my word on four separate occasions that I will comply for those reasons. But in this instances, it's a non-issue. I don't have a boyfriend at the moment, I don't sleep around and I am most certainly not going to do so with long time friends (plural).
And because of that, I decided there had been enough beating around the bush about this. I told her I felt she was implying that I was a whore and that she had a double standard with this. This was clearly a direct attack on me since none of my other siblings were around. She told me there was no double standard and that it wasn't a direct attack. I know she hasn't had this same conversation with any of my other siblings. So I know she's either delusional, or trying to make herself sound better than she really is.
I felt very bad for my brother's girlfriend who got caught up in the middle of this and decided to take a walk around the block and then stay away from my mother for the rest of the night and instead concentrate on making my brother's party fun and enjoyable for everyone else. My brother's girlfriend told me she was not going to come to our house for a while because of the way my mom behaved and that she agreed with me and said I handled it very well. I don't really care one way or another on that, but my mom crossed the line both with me, and against the girlfriend.
I'm turning 22 within this month. I live on my own, I own my own car, live my own life, am true to my word and don't answer to her for my personal choices. I feel it is VERY wrong for her to dangle the cottage as a treat so long as I live the life she decides I should. I've worked just as hard, if not harder, as she has there, have agreed multiple times to comply with the rules of the cabin, but never been trusted. At this point, I'm insulted and hurt enough to write my mother off.
The only reason I wouldn't is because of my father. He trusts me, respects me and is realistic. He's been the chaperon and usually, once he decides to go to bed, he puts in earplugs and goes to sleep and trusts me to behave because there is no reason not to.
I will not be unfoundedly treated as untrustworthy, as a tramp, or with this level of disrespect especially from my mother. How can I resolve this to some kind of cordial relationship? This will be the end unless something changes. I want to be able to enjoy the island and have a nice relationship with her but she's making it impossible.
Monday, September 8, 2008
70mph and guilty pleasure songs
I don't think before this that i ever realized how much of an integral part of my life, music is. It's what wakes me up in the morning, makes me feel sassy or bad ass, helps me remember that i'm beautiful no matter what the scale says, is what soothes me when i'm working, and what makes me laugh.
If you'll remember, two days after i bought Jinx, her radio died.
It took me two weeks to get them to fix it because of some after market wiring that was installed and i bought with the car. They finally got the guy in and he basically ripped out all that special wiring and hey! suddenly my radio works. Turns out it was grounded wrong and was blowing out a fuse.
Now, i had to drive all the way back up to monroe for this. So as soon as my radio was working i took off for the highway and i couldn't help myself. I turned on all those guilty pleasure songs that are so embarrasing to listen to if you actually care what strangers in the car might think. I was too happy to care.
With a big, shit-eatin' grin and sunglasses on my face and my radio cranked up to full volume, all the windows down, my hair blowing in every direction, i went speeding down the highway at 70mph.
Foolhardy i know. "what if you had gotten caught by a cop". well, normally 5 over is quite adequate for me, no real need to speed. So it's not like i do this all the time.
But it just felt good. Like Jinx was finally mine and she was perfect and our personalities melted and we were just having fun.
I can only imagine what people were thinking when this brunette pulls up with the raido blasting "girls just wanna have fun" singing along with Cindy Lauper and dancing with the steering wheel. But really, I just don't care.
I was having fun.
If you'll remember, two days after i bought Jinx, her radio died.
It took me two weeks to get them to fix it because of some after market wiring that was installed and i bought with the car. They finally got the guy in and he basically ripped out all that special wiring and hey! suddenly my radio works. Turns out it was grounded wrong and was blowing out a fuse.
Now, i had to drive all the way back up to monroe for this. So as soon as my radio was working i took off for the highway and i couldn't help myself. I turned on all those guilty pleasure songs that are so embarrasing to listen to if you actually care what strangers in the car might think. I was too happy to care.
With a big, shit-eatin' grin and sunglasses on my face and my radio cranked up to full volume, all the windows down, my hair blowing in every direction, i went speeding down the highway at 70mph.
Foolhardy i know. "what if you had gotten caught by a cop". well, normally 5 over is quite adequate for me, no real need to speed. So it's not like i do this all the time.
But it just felt good. Like Jinx was finally mine and she was perfect and our personalities melted and we were just having fun.
I can only imagine what people were thinking when this brunette pulls up with the raido blasting "girls just wanna have fun" singing along with Cindy Lauper and dancing with the steering wheel. But really, I just don't care.
I was having fun.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Introducing my brother Michael
My brother Michael is up from Texas last week and this week. It really hasn't been until these last couple days that either of us has had time to hang out. We talked briefly for an hour or so on the dock and last night. He's said a few things that I want to take out of my memory and analyze.
First, a little bit about my oldest brother:
He's 33, works as a jail guard in Texas. He left for the military when i was 7. I can just about count the number of times he's been home since then on one hand. Needless to say, we never really had much to talk about, nor bonded very much. He was off living his life and i was growing up in mine.
I'm not really bitter about it, nor do I blame him. Military tends to travel a lot, it's part of the job. For most of my life I couldn't even remember his face. He was a stranger that showed up and that I had to call brother until I was 16 and he finally realized that he and I should develop some kind of relationship. We went out and had a great evening, just meandering around and talked about some things. It was then that he started becoming a brother to me.
There was a 5 year gap after that where he and I only exchanged small talk on the phone. He'd call for birthdays and major events like my graduation.
He came back this last April right before my mom's shoulder surgery. And we had another bonding time. This time we had more in-depth talks, about some things that had affected us emotionally in the same ways. I started to realize that, of all my siblings and even my parents, I'm most like Michael. This is odd given how little time we spent together.
Now he's back up again this year (unheard of to see him twice in a year before this) for these two and a half weeks. It's nice having him and for the most part we get along just fine.
Now, the two things he's said that have....i don't even know the word, but it's somewhere along the line of surprised, insulted and ultimately amused me.....
1) When mom and dad die and we start dividing up their stuff (first off, this surprised me that he talked about it so casually. Our parents aren't dead, nor dying) Noreen will try to run everything until i get tired of it and tell you all how it's gonna be (Noreen is older than Michael and if he tries it's not going to go over with her very well) Johnny will just want equal treatment and you....you we're not gonna have a problem with.
My response in my head: "Hun, you have no idea what kind of force you're up against". Being a prison guard, I'm sure he's used to getting his way because if they don't listen, he can use pain to force them to submit. He can't do that with me. I'll call the cops on his ass in a heartbeat. And if there is one thing I'm good at, it's being stubborn to a point of spite. Should i set my heart or mind on something...trust me, I'm going to get it.
Second: how demeaning is that of me? I'm not gonna be a problem? talk about pompous. Had my sister been the one to say that, who's been around my whole life, i might take it more seriously. But he doesn't have a clue about me. Who the hell does he think he is, to come back and suddenly, he's in charge? I don't fucking think so!
2) You are such a drama queen. And you would know that SO well considering you left when i was 7? I've talked to mom, and dad, ...and Noreen,.......and Johnny..... Oh, so you're going off of what they tell you when they're frustrated with me? by hearsay? He changed the subject after that.
He doesn't know me. And these minor overtures to try to do so don't change that fact. He's been gone. All he's gotten is tiny snapshots of my character over a very long period of time. And during that time, i was growing and changing and coming into my own. Especially recently. I'm most definitely not a kid anymore and most definitely not who he thinks i am.
Even my parents are changing their idea of me. I shocked the hell out of them when i told them i could afford my car, and be fine. They really thought i was going to get in over my head. I even got eyebrows from them. My parents, who never show emotion, and i got the eyebrows into the hairline.
Ok, that's the end of pretty colors.
I'm frustrated with his braggart ways thinking he knows everything about everyone. He's missed a lot but doesn't seem to care. I'm not going to even try to say i understand him, but i think i have a better idea of him than he does of me. He was already "grown up" when i started to get to know him. He hasn't changed very much in the time that I've known him.
I think it's time we talked. I really would rather he didn't attach mom and dad's stigma to me. He's told me several times that they weren't right about him. So if he believes that, why does he follow their lead in defining my character?
I don't believe that I'm a drama queen. I don't go actively seeking drama. Yet it seems to find me. I can understand how several people might think that i am because when i believe in something, i get very intense about it which most people define as dramatic. I'm beginning to believe I'm sorely misunderstood by those who i thought knew me best. Ok, can't please everyone.
I want to be viewed as myself. Who i am today, not who i was in those snapshots.
no past,
no clearly unfounded assumptions,
no stigmas,
no reputation,
no hearsay,
no boxes of definition.
I think I've changed enough to merit a revised image. It's high time to get to know me, not who i was.
First, a little bit about my oldest brother:
He's 33, works as a jail guard in Texas. He left for the military when i was 7. I can just about count the number of times he's been home since then on one hand. Needless to say, we never really had much to talk about, nor bonded very much. He was off living his life and i was growing up in mine.
I'm not really bitter about it, nor do I blame him. Military tends to travel a lot, it's part of the job. For most of my life I couldn't even remember his face. He was a stranger that showed up and that I had to call brother until I was 16 and he finally realized that he and I should develop some kind of relationship. We went out and had a great evening, just meandering around and talked about some things. It was then that he started becoming a brother to me.
There was a 5 year gap after that where he and I only exchanged small talk on the phone. He'd call for birthdays and major events like my graduation.
He came back this last April right before my mom's shoulder surgery. And we had another bonding time. This time we had more in-depth talks, about some things that had affected us emotionally in the same ways. I started to realize that, of all my siblings and even my parents, I'm most like Michael. This is odd given how little time we spent together.
Now he's back up again this year (unheard of to see him twice in a year before this) for these two and a half weeks. It's nice having him and for the most part we get along just fine.
Now, the two things he's said that have....i don't even know the word, but it's somewhere along the line of surprised, insulted and ultimately amused me.....
1) When mom and dad die and we start dividing up their stuff (first off, this surprised me that he talked about it so casually. Our parents aren't dead, nor dying) Noreen will try to run everything until i get tired of it and tell you all how it's gonna be (Noreen is older than Michael and if he tries it's not going to go over with her very well) Johnny will just want equal treatment and you....you we're not gonna have a problem with.
My response in my head: "Hun, you have no idea what kind of force you're up against". Being a prison guard, I'm sure he's used to getting his way because if they don't listen, he can use pain to force them to submit. He can't do that with me. I'll call the cops on his ass in a heartbeat. And if there is one thing I'm good at, it's being stubborn to a point of spite. Should i set my heart or mind on something...trust me, I'm going to get it.
Second: how demeaning is that of me? I'm not gonna be a problem? talk about pompous. Had my sister been the one to say that, who's been around my whole life, i might take it more seriously. But he doesn't have a clue about me. Who the hell does he think he is, to come back and suddenly, he's in charge? I don't fucking think so!
2) You are such a drama queen. And you would know that SO well considering you left when i was 7? I've talked to mom, and dad, ...and Noreen,.......and Johnny..... Oh, so you're going off of what they tell you when they're frustrated with me? by hearsay? He changed the subject after that.
He doesn't know me. And these minor overtures to try to do so don't change that fact. He's been gone. All he's gotten is tiny snapshots of my character over a very long period of time. And during that time, i was growing and changing and coming into my own. Especially recently. I'm most definitely not a kid anymore and most definitely not who he thinks i am.
Even my parents are changing their idea of me. I shocked the hell out of them when i told them i could afford my car, and be fine. They really thought i was going to get in over my head. I even got eyebrows from them. My parents, who never show emotion, and i got the eyebrows into the hairline.
Ok, that's the end of pretty colors.
I'm frustrated with his braggart ways thinking he knows everything about everyone. He's missed a lot but doesn't seem to care. I'm not going to even try to say i understand him, but i think i have a better idea of him than he does of me. He was already "grown up" when i started to get to know him. He hasn't changed very much in the time that I've known him.
I think it's time we talked. I really would rather he didn't attach mom and dad's stigma to me. He's told me several times that they weren't right about him. So if he believes that, why does he follow their lead in defining my character?
I don't believe that I'm a drama queen. I don't go actively seeking drama. Yet it seems to find me. I can understand how several people might think that i am because when i believe in something, i get very intense about it which most people define as dramatic. I'm beginning to believe I'm sorely misunderstood by those who i thought knew me best. Ok, can't please everyone.
I want to be viewed as myself. Who i am today, not who i was in those snapshots.
no past,
no clearly unfounded assumptions,
no stigmas,
no reputation,
no hearsay,
no boxes of definition.
I think I've changed enough to merit a revised image. It's high time to get to know me, not who i was.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Musings
How your heart goes pitter patter, and you can't help but smile.
How nothing changes between you even though you've been apart for a while
How you catch looks that could mean anything
How you hope they mean something meant just for you
How a simple touch makes your heart jump
How a conversation can wander for hours and never miss a beat
How honesty spills from your lips without thinking about it
How talking on the phone has you doing all sorts of silly body language
No matter how irrational and how unlikely anything could ever happen.
even after years you still hope.......
That's why they call them crushes; because if they didn't hurt like someone crushing your heart.....they'd call them something else.
How nothing changes between you even though you've been apart for a while
How you catch looks that could mean anything
How you hope they mean something meant just for you
How a simple touch makes your heart jump
How a conversation can wander for hours and never miss a beat
How honesty spills from your lips without thinking about it
How talking on the phone has you doing all sorts of silly body language
No matter how irrational and how unlikely anything could ever happen.
even after years you still hope.......
That's why they call them crushes; because if they didn't hurt like someone crushing your heart.....they'd call them something else.
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