Filled with massive quick updates and thus is long

I know...lame, no posts in a week? how have you ever survived ~snirk~

Random updates:
Met a cute technician that came to fix our machines at work. Get this, his birthday is a week and a half after mine. Might possibly be hanging out with him at some point...possibly not. I'm not discounting it yet though we seem incapable of having compatable schedules. And he seems more like the kind that likes thinner, prettier, more helpless kind of women. We'll see though. There's apparently been a hint of flirting on both sides acording to Mark, aka, Mr. Nosey matchmaker. :P

I'm 22. My birthday was wednesday...dinner with the family was less than perfect but my friends totally made up for it the following saturday even thought we didn't end up going bowling. Colin even came all the way in from Ebyss which was very much appreciated even though he did have an alterior motive of retrieving his pillow. Also, Kenny, Josh, Grace, Katie and her boyfriend Jeremy, whom i had not met previously (he was quite interesting, suprisingly articulate and had quite the develish side. A good person to know all in all, i thought) were able to come and add to the fun.

At the bowling alley, (we went, just didn't actually bowl) I bought one of those toys that comes out in a ball and you have not idea what you got until you somehow manage to smash open those infuriatingly indestructable little plastic balls. I was hoping for one of the light up flashy ones, and instead i get this necklace with "Happy birthday" on it....talk about wierd!!!!

We went to Gameworks in Seattle instead. had lots of fun messing with Grace who got a little tipsy. Ok, rather tipsy. Played a lot of games, intimidated an annoying jerk that blocked the line by trading off between two people. So i went and stood within inches of his back. Just enough to where i wasn't touching him, but close enough to make anyone uncomfortable. He left after that.

Paid my first round of car insurance, rent, and car payment but need to get the car payment turned around so it is also on the 25th like everything else.

Trying despreatly to figure out how to make this version of the oragami eagle because it's really cool. And so far i'm failing at step 12 out of 60...correction, make that step 15 now.

Have a hair appointment (yeah, it still feels wierd to be saying that after seeing Talona for 3 years now) on Friday. I love my legnth but it definetly needs to be styled better so it doesn't go *poof* on on the bottom. and then i'm happy with being a brunette right now for the simple sake of not having to keep it up as often, but i miss my auburn so i'm going to have her do lighter brown and auburn highlights.

I've gotten a little lazy on Yoga lately, in favor of knitting. The fall season is upon us and i am no longer content with my collection of scarves because their all either red or blue. Thus i'm doing this funky material that's almost like two threads running lenth wise, and in the middle is silk, nothing, silk, nothing. in a black and champaigne color. I have over two feet of it already and it looks really nice. Then i'm going to trim it in a nice soft fuzzy champaign color. I'm also planning on doing this goregous snow white color in a loose stitch with that same champaigne as trim and as pinstriped lines running through it. More neutral of colors so hopefully they'll go with almost anything

I'm watching Kelsey again. So far, she's sick so i'm not so worried about her causing trouble. Still keeping an eye on her though. We're going to go see Eagle Eye tonight. Just to get out of the house and do something. She's really a smart and fun young woman. Just tired of being reined in, a mentality i can understand all too well. Wild-natured women should not have reins much less anyone holding them. I still look at her and think to myself: dear god, that was me five years ago. I think for all of everyone's worrying and all her rebellion, there's a very good chance that when she gets to make descisions for herself, they'll be fairly smart ones and they'll be good ones for her. Right now, a lot of it's the bristling and fluffing the feathers to get people to leave her alone with a mixture of crying out for attention and someone to actually be involved but not controlling. It should be VERY interesting when her sister and mother arrive home on Wednesday. I think she'll go slightly crazy because she'll suddenly have two mother's again trying to control her. Not a position i ever want to be in. Things are going to get rather teritorial rather quickly.

Still trying to work with some ideas for NaNoWriMo (National November Writing Month = writing 50k words in 30 days. It's rather interesting and i think i'll probably enjoy it.) Still struggling with making it a cohesive plot with an actual objective.

That's about it. Later.

It's Autumn

I woke up this morning to hearing rain outside and my covers pulled up to my nose and tucked around my ears. I smiled to myself. Around here, this is the simple signal that Autumn has begun; cold air and rain.
I got up and began my morning rituals in a kind of calm daze. Autumn is my favorite time of the year. The colors grow so vibrant oranges, yellows and browns, and beautiful reds and everywhere you walk, there's a carpet of fallen leaves scattered in the fire colors. The mornings are crisp and not to mention you can finally start playing with your breath on the wind again.
After my shower, I sprinted back underneath my covers remembering that invigorating chill that really wakes you up. As I lay there trying to will some sembalance of warmth back into my body, fully awake with not a chance of dozing off, I start to think about what to wear for work today.
Then to my amused shock, I remember that I still have all my fall and winter clothes stored away in those vaccume sealed packs. It's like getting a whole new wardrobe all of a sudden.

Cool, I can make haiku out of that first part:

Autumn Haiku

The crisp air on my skin
The carpets of fire and gold
My breath on the wind

Adventures in grocery shopping...

I go to do my grocery shopping today, since my freezer and fridge contain basically nothing but milk and those little smoothies things that give me heartburn when i try to eat them for breakfast. I don't usually eat it so i thought those would be a good way to start getting use to it. (breakfast jumpstarts your metabolism and you loose weight...bla bla bla....yeah, if you get heartburn at 7:45am and can't really eat anything for the rest of the day)

Back to the story. I finish my shopping which involves getting to the checkoutline and noticing that my bag of rice has been slashed by a utility knife probably. They had to send the bag boy to go get another one. (I feel bad for him, i always hated doing that kind of nonsense).

So i finally go to walk out of the store and this 16-17 year old boy in a BDU jacket and long unkempt blonde (like bottle blonde) starts walking out just ahead of me. He's looking around like he's trying to find someone. He get's past the doorway and all of a sudden bolts to the left. I mean like really suspiciously takes off.

I get out the door and look where he ran, all the while having the moral delimma of how exactly i should deal with this. Call the police because he's acting like he probably shoplifted, follow him and see what's up, notify the store of the possibility. I turn around to go talk to someone and i see this black fellow who can't be much older walking towards me...also looking around for someone.

And get this:

He's wearing an FBI jacket.

There's another guy also in a BDU jacket with the "FBI" guy. I look at them think to myself: self, i think he's looking for that boy that just ran. So i asked him if he was looking for a boy in BDUs. He said yeah, and i pointed the way he had gone.
Granted, it wasn't until then that i noticed the FBI guy was wearing jeans that probably hadn't been washed in a little while and was more than likely WAY too young to be an agent.

The two boys walked over to where i pointed and all of a sudden, the first boy pops his head out and starts giggleing like some kind of toddler playing keep away knowing he's not going to be punished. I then hear "Don't you run" from the FBI guy quite clearly warning him not to with an unspoken "or else" attached to it.

And watch in amazement as the first boy takes off running across the parking lot still giggleling. The other two boys follow him, almost half heartedly. Had the one boy not been wearing the FBI jacket, i would have figured they're all just buddies causing a little bit of havoc.

By this point, i'm so confused, all i can do is stand there holding my very heavy bags of groceries in the rain looking rather foolish and with this completly bewildered expression on my face.

Finally snap out of it load my groceries in the car and head out to the light where i can make a safer left turn out of the parking lot.

Guess who's standing at the crosswalk: all three boys having a grand ole laugh.

-_- damn kids.

Bla day

aside from some drama at work....Meg I love you dearly, BUT I have not evolved so much as to be able to read your fucking PMSing mind!!!!....today has been pretty bla.

Punched number for wOOt!!!! 4 and a half hours!!!!!-_- My brain pretty much contemplating what it would actually feel like for my body to actually melt as though i had no bones like they do in saturday morning cartoons the entire time.

just...don't ask.

Got through my week list of things to do now just have to pester two people to give me what i want.

6 months ago, I asked the EH&S leader (emergency and safety guru) what i would need to do to join the building specific response teams since there are no female team members in my building. Not a sexist deal, just thinking that what if something happens in the ladies room. The victim might prefer to not have a guy comming in to help her.

Also 6 months ago, we had two incidents. One where someone died at my company, and another where I had to run full sprint to stop the ambulence from leaving because no one followed the proper procedure and they didn't know where to go.
So my solution: EMERGENCY BOARDS THAT TELL YOU WHAT TO DO!!!

At the time there were only two lists which were small print and over a year out of date and they were located very far away from where the incedents occured. I was a little ticked at how badly prepared we were for the two emergencies and took it upon myself to propose a solution to the safety board. It was well recieved and then a group took it over....and nothing has really happened for 6 months even though apparently they're doing my proposal almost exactly.

If they're doing almost the same thing.....why in the hell has it taken so long? This seriously could have been up and running in under a month of when i put the proposal.

So join the emergency team and get those damn boards up already!
********************
In other news...hanging out with my friend Trey tonight or tomorrow whenever he manages to show up. That boy seriously need a PDA.
But he's fun to hang with anyway.

More Yoga for me please. It's the first exercise where I look foward to doing it.

Yeah, birthday....wooo -_-

I decided for my brithday that I wanted to go bowling. And that All-American Favorite pasttime is freaking expensive out here! Especially at the peak times for weekends!
Not that I blame the company...that's just good business. People want, you have a limited supply of lanes, ha! you can charge whatever you want.
Just gah! so frustrating to be trying to work with people on limited income. Not everyone has mommy and daddy shelling out for the bill! What about us college students? (haha, oh wait, i'm not one of them anymore).

I wish I was one of those people that could say something like "I want this and this and this for my birthday". I just can't do that. It feels weird for me at my age to want for things and for my friends to get them for me. See, I'm used to getting things for myself. And even though I know some people want to, and I could really use a few things (considering i just moved and have like nothing!)............this is the most I can do: No gifts required

However, in the event that someone wants to get me something, the things I need the most right now are DVD movies. I have like maybe 15 movies and 6 of them are the Star Wars series.
Really, I don't care if they're the duplicate movies that have been sitting on the shelf for years or if you spend like 20$ on them (ee gads! I hope not). That's really just what would be most useful to me.
I like action, drama, good comedy (no crotch shots or falling down cause really, that's not acting) musicals, classics, Sci-fi, fantasy, even some chick flicks (common, the good ones really)
Oh, and I can save people a lot of time: if it has Will Ferral in it....I will return it. I hate his acting style and he grates on my nerves just thinking about him.

I'm guessing not many people will read this but here are some options that I can think of off the top of my head:
Wanted
Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Gone in 60 Seconds
Dune
National Treasure (1)
Transformers
27 Dresses
Good Luck Chuck
Patch Adams
American Pie (1/2)
Count de Monte Cristo
Stardust (!)
The Borne series (1/2/3)
The Matrix series (1/3)
xXx (triple X)
Chronicals of Narnia (1/2 if it's even out yet)
Chronicals of Ridic
The phantom of the Opera

I don't expect to get anything so will be happy if I do. And for those that are those wonderful random people you meet over the internet but never actually meet in real life maybe that list of movies will give you some further insite to me. I don't know. Cheers!

another tangent

Oh, I forgot to mention. My roommate got a job at a daycare in the belevue area. I'm so proud of her. She basically got the job on the spot. Good nannies just exude excelence, and she is one of them.
On a side note (semi jokingly): She won't be hogging the tv at lunchtime anymore! (not that i really cared, but it would be nice to watch something other than reality shows on my lunch break once in a while)

a lot of ramblings

Yesterdays post was long overdue and I feel so much better after posting it. I just got tired of being told to change who I am.

I figured the people that know me, care about me, and love me will look at that and go "I understand this." or, hopefully, like a friend who I talk to before this "I understand this, and it's one of those things I respect you for". (not in so many words, but it felt good for someone to view my "bad" traits as something refreshing and admirable)

But enough. Onto more peaceful things:

I did not end up making my yoga class on friday. I didn't get to leave work until about 20 minutes too late and never would have made it there by that time. So I went home to see if there were any other classes for that evening. My roommate made the suggestion for me to check out our On-Demand and see if they had something for yoga. Normally, i don't advocate for large corporate companies. But On-Demand is the coolest thing since sliced bread. Not only is it capable of recording 2 shows at once (nifty for two different people), but you can get free movies anytime you want, and....yoga to do in the privacy of your appartment. all for about the price of what you would get reguar tv for.

Doing yoga again, was great. I found I'm less balanced that before, but still just about as fexible. Between an hour on the stairstepper (200 steps), tredmil (1.5 mile), and eliptical (....i don't remember how far) versus 40 minutes of yoga.....Ha, i could barely move after yoga whereas i barely noticed a difference with the other workout. Two days later, i was still feeling my obliques.
What is that saying of the marines? Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Long about the warrior poses is when my brain quieted. They are just so intense. It's that inner calm i've always sought. Someone once asked me to just babble my stream of conciousness. They regretted it. They said that they couldn't even keep up when i was thinking about something and then trying to explain it because i would go off on yet another tangent. They're the ones that described my brain as the highway full of cars going at top speeds.
But if you've ever driven down into a valey in the morning when the fog covers the road ahead of you and it's just this sea of white haze, you'll have an idea of what i feel.

HaHa, tangent.
I have on demand in my room now. So rather than worrying about my roommate walking in and seeing me in one of those compromising positions (for yoga you dirty minded people)....i can close my door and she'll knock first (yay for great roommates).
Oh, and a bedskirt which i stayed up until 11pm yesterday ironing. being productive when you can't sleep can be a good thing.

I'm tired of being "the mean person" so i'll explain

Apparently, if you have the ability to make a decision under pressure, have opinions based on your view and actually voice them, call things like you see them and with no sugar coating.... you're a bitch.

Well you know what? Fine. I'm a bitch. And damn proud of it. You wanna know why? Read on. If you don't. Stop and continue to have your narrow snapshotted view of me.

I would rather have a voice and use it even if it makes people think I'm mean, than quell it just to fit in and make everyone happy. The truth hurts, the truth is uncomfortable, the truth usually would be nicer if ignored or a blind eye turned to it. But that doesn't make it not the truth.

I'm not going to change for anyone but myself. This is the way I have chosen, years ago, to be. I never tried to fit in because it wasn't appealing to me.

If I get offended, you're going to hear about it. You're going to know exactly why I'm upset. I don't play the game of making you guess or having to figure it out. I'm direct.

If I think something you're doing is wrong, a poor choice, misguided, or irrational. I'll try to change your mind. You know why? Because I care and I won't stand by and let you do something stupid without trying to do something about it. The more i care about something, the harder I'll try. I'm resolute.

I will always be there. Even if you do something i disagree with, I'll still be there behind you. Whether it's to re-enforce you when you start to waver or to cushion your fall. I'm steadfast.

and this one will probably come as a surprise to some, they may think I'm delusional.
I listen. Contrary to the belief I've heard this last few days, i listen to everything. I hear your point of view even when it sounds like I'm not. I don't assume things about your view. I take what you say at face value. I want you to clarify so that i know what's behind your statements. I'm concise.

When you think I'm blowing up for no reason...i assure you there is something that has been said or done that is the reason. And generally, I get angry right after it. There's a point where attacking me, goes to far and I lash back and go straight for the jugular. Some may think i don't need to blow up to the extent that i do. Too bad, i dissagree. The degree of which i react, is equally porportionate to how upset i am about it.

I'm passionate! Get used to it. I live, laugh, love, hurt, hate and feel with all of my heart.

When I'm wrong, I'll say I'm wrong and apologize. It might not happen right away, but i will and I will mean it.

This is me. I'm not going to change because I'm not a bad person, I'm not inherently mean, and I don't think not sugar coating everything makes me so. If you want to think of me that way, go ahead. But I'm still going to be me, not who you want me to be. Maybe this is an inconvienent truth for some....but it is the truth.

Opinion Sparring

Yet another one of the many phrases I've developed. Because the way it goes back and forth between the parties involved is similar to a fencing match. you back off, simply blocking the attacks while they give their opinion, then attack and drive them back with yours.
While in a written debate today (via ole LJ where all the drama is) a friend and I defended our stances on certain clothing choices for men.
The choices were: zip up hoodies with a business jacket pulled over it
and boot cut jeans on men

My stance was firmly against both citing that the hoodie/jacket looks sloppy and like you don't care and the boot-cuts mean the man in question is either femminized or gay. This is fine if they are!!! I'm most certainly not against gays, or women dresssing their men without giving them any say whatsoever. I just wouldn't ever suggest it to be a good idea for someone that dosen't want that.
Said friend, liked them and as a clothing retail employee, recomended them. She also said in her post that we should "Feel free to disagree, and loudly." So i did.
*these are my opinions. I'm allowed to be judgemental and say things like that. Without opinons, nothing would EVER get done!

While my opinons don't really matter in the great scheme of things, I thought it was interesting where her friends all of a sudden jumped into our friendly debate and started treating me as a snark (mean spirited person to put it nicely). It went from calmly reenforcing our views to "you're a judgemental condescending jerk". Making me think, well, that makes you one too. :D way to go! hypocricy works so well in a debate! :D

ahhhgggg. I'm too old for this. Really. This is like junior high level debate. So i called the first friend, and apparently, we're just fine. No hard feelings at all. Then i decided to have fun with the two um......commenters

so i left slightly "condescending" responses for the two friends. To be honest, while i hope this doesn't escalate any further, i hope it stirs their pot just a liiiiiiiiittttttttllllleee bit. If i get treated like a snark, i'll respond like one. *shrug*

Yoga on my mind

The last time I did yoga was nearly three years ago. My friend Sarah was going to go to one and I had come along. Since the class was literally on her property (she works and lives on a horse stable) and the class was cheaper for her because of it I tagged along, completely not dressed for doing yoga. I think I was wearing a low cut top and jeans.
At first, I just sat on the sidelines watching the class because I hadn't signed up for it. As I was watching my friend do all these moves, I thought to myself "oh that doesn't look hard, I could do that!"
So I got barefoot, and rolled out a mat next to my friend. She was very focused on doing the class. So I mentally snapped at myself to focus like she was.
The hour long class, about 45 for me, was probably the most humbling experiences of my life. Not that it was hard for me physically. It turns out I'm still very flexible despite my sturdy and rotund structure. Balancing was harder, but I managed to keep up with the class despite it being my first time.
I wasn't even unbearably sore the next day.

But what struck me most profoundly was that all the things, ideas, emotions, and mental conversations that normally run wild through my mind like a highway full of cars rushing at top speeds, were suddenly silenced.
Silenced completely and rather than thinking, I felt.

I felt my blood coursing, the sweat on my body, the muscles straining, my breath flowing in and out, and this feeling of raw internal strength enveloping me.
I felt like suddenly I was a wild tiger. Sheer strength, power, agility, and carnal intuition. If I could put a better description to what I felt, I would.
But when I think of wild tigers, I think that they are roughly 10 or more feet long including the tail, they are huge, massive, and sheer muscle. They have to be to survive, there is no room for unnecessary weight or sluggish movements. And to watch that kind of powerful grace in action, even on tv or the internet, it puts me in awe. And in those minutes, I was in awe of myself.
I had never come into contact with my, as cheesy as it sounds, inner tigress. And even to this day, I haven't forgotten what it feels like. The calm of knowing exactly what is inside of you and finally being at peace with it.

I was disappointed when I realized my budget would not enable me to continue with these lessons. And at that point, I put the notion out of my head. It wasn't feasible, so no use pining after it.

But my circumstances have changed and now it is feasible. And when looking for a way to find the calm I had as my life is growing more and more out of focus, I almost feel as though I'm being drawn back to yoga and that feeling.

I've meditated since, but it's not quite the same. It's the difference for me of shuffling papers reading and organizing them to discovering there's a glowing, purring tigress beneath the table I was shuffling papers on top of. That actually almost conveys the shock I felt when I discovered it during that yoga session.

If I believed in things such as spirits and souls and similar things as that, I would say I met my animal spirit guide. And it is definitely a tigress.

It's strange for someone who's always been a dog person. of course, I said the same thing when I was a tomboy and starting to willingly wear skirts.

"You want some fries with that shake"

Thank you Mark for the ego boost, it made me smile. There's something to be said for a good set of high heeled boots, new jeans and an ipod.

However enough is enough. I apparently weigh about 50lbs heavier than i look, wear an unacceptable size of pants and I'm embarrased by photgraphs of myself. What's worse? I'm not healthy.

My roommate and I are now workout buddies. Since it's more fun, and more of an incentive to have a friend doing the same things as you are, trying to reach the similar goals. Both of us agreed that we are neither healthy nor happy. We're going to be working out together at least twice a week.

I'm going to throw in an additional workout day on fridays right after i get off of work, since that's at like noon anyway and it's not like i do much with that extra weekend time right now anyway.

I've seriously been considering taking up a yoga class for that friday time...but those things are unbeliveably expensive in my area. I know that if i don't get somewhere that's convienient, i'll find more and more excuses to not go as time goes on. So i'm looking at some possibities and running some numbers. Investing in a few DVD's and a mat is becoming more and more realistic.

For myself, I don't expect to become lythe and waif-like. It's not a realistic idea for someone with my body style. as much as i would rather not admit it...i'm stocky. I have curves, no doubt, extra even. But i'm solid and built with a lot of muscle up on top. I have wide shoulders, bicepts, a solid core, and thighs that are primarily muscle. Even without working out for months, i can be poked in the stomach and there are muscles under that pudge.

But i worry constantly about working out. I collapsed twice this last year from doing things i used to consider mild exercise (walking up a hill near my house, and mowing the lawn). My doctors have no idea what's going on. They basically came down to dehydration, not breathing properly, over heating, and high blood pressure. But they can't explain why i apparently convulsed some (don't ask me, i was o.u.t.). There's no reasonable explanation that they could come up with, even after a pleathora of tests.

I hate that feeling I get right before it happens, my blood pulse under the skin of my face and a wave of cold.
I hate that even though I have that warning, by then I'm not able to function to warn anyone. I'm either going to collapse or i'll recover.
I hate watching the ground come up at me and thinking "oh hey, the ground is getting closer" for lack of anything more intelligent to think.
I hate waking up with everyone clustered around me screaming at me to wake up.
I hate causing that scare for them.
I hate that feeling of "oh shit, what the hell just happend" because then I start panicking.
I hate panicking.
I hate that everyone keeps trying to diagnose me themselves.
I hate being poked and prodded and no explanations to show for it.
I hate being a lab rat.

That all being said, I've done the only thing I'm able to at this point. I've warned my roommate. I've told her what happens in the past, and what seems to work best for helping me after it.

She actually suprised me. I expected her to get all, oh my god, maybe we shouldn't do this! But instead she started telling me she had taken all the CPR and first aide classes, and how she would help me prevent it..."take it easy and lots of water". No revulsion, no worry...just very matter of fact. This is a problem an this is how we're gonna take care of it.

I feel like i'm in good hands.

On a side note: Due to some well made arguments, I've decided to allow comments on posts. To be clear, I'm not looking for sympathy, or for everyone to agree with me. Please, if you're going to argue with me, have a coherent, well reasoned or backed up argument. I dont' have time for childish cussings or "you're wrong because i think so".
But if there are comments you would like to leave for me to read and/or reply to, you can now do so. I will only delete comments that are spam or inappropriate.

Mom's insinuations

At my brother's birthday party, my mother and I got into a discussion that had been stewing for a long while. Thankfully this didn't happen in front of my brother, thus ruining his party, but it was one of those things that just couldn't stop once it started.

My family owns an island cottage. It's beautiful out there, with fresh water, fishing, swimming, and several generations of bald eagles that fish just a handful of feet off our dock. It's the perfect place to relax and I've spent the last 5 years, one day every weekend throughout each summer, working very hard out there. Since it's an old cabin, it needs repair and maintenance. So we work, then we play.

At age 20, I started asking if I could bring some of my girl-friends down there and spend the night (I'm female and interested in men so there was no issue of musical beds). My request was met with "Not without a chaperon". That same year, my brother (2 years my senior) was allowed to go down with his girlfriend, a buddy, and that buddy's girlfriend....unchaperoned. I know this was a double standard, and in itself, unfair; but I let it go and just dealt with it, biding my time.

Now two years later, I'm the same age as my brother was, and I wanted a mixed gender party down there with friends I've known since junior high, unchaperoned. Again, this group is not the kind that play musical beds. We just want to hang out and laugh and enjoy ourselves.

While my brothers went outside for a smoke, my mother took the opportunity to tell me no, not without a chaperon. My brother's girlfriend who had been out there when they went 2 years ago, was present for this discussion. When I asked my mother why...she began to imply that we would not comply with her wishes. I asked her directly what her wishes were. She said to quote: "I don't want you screwing around out there".

I understand that it's her house and her rules, and I've given her my word on four separate occasions that I will comply for those reasons. But in this instances, it's a non-issue. I don't have a boyfriend at the moment, I don't sleep around and I am most certainly not going to do so with long time friends (plural).

And because of that, I decided there had been enough beating around the bush about this. I told her I felt she was implying that I was a whore and that she had a double standard with this. This was clearly a direct attack on me since none of my other siblings were around. She told me there was no double standard and that it wasn't a direct attack. I know she hasn't had this same conversation with any of my other siblings. So I know she's either delusional, or trying to make herself sound better than she really is.

I felt very bad for my brother's girlfriend who got caught up in the middle of this and decided to take a walk around the block and then stay away from my mother for the rest of the night and instead concentrate on making my brother's party fun and enjoyable for everyone else. My brother's girlfriend told me she was not going to come to our house for a while because of the way my mom behaved and that she agreed with me and said I handled it very well. I don't really care one way or another on that, but my mom crossed the line both with me, and against the girlfriend.

I'm turning 22 within this month. I live on my own, I own my own car, live my own life, am true to my word and don't answer to her for my personal choices. I feel it is VERY wrong for her to dangle the cottage as a treat so long as I live the life she decides I should. I've worked just as hard, if not harder, as she has there, have agreed multiple times to comply with the rules of the cabin, but never been trusted. At this point, I'm insulted and hurt enough to write my mother off.

The only reason I wouldn't is because of my father. He trusts me, respects me and is realistic. He's been the chaperon and usually, once he decides to go to bed, he puts in earplugs and goes to sleep and trusts me to behave because there is no reason not to.

I will not be unfoundedly treated as untrustworthy, as a tramp, or with this level of disrespect especially from my mother. How can I resolve this to some kind of cordial relationship? This will be the end unless something changes. I want to be able to enjoy the island and have a nice relationship with her but she's making it impossible.

70mph and guilty pleasure songs

I don't think before this that i ever realized how much of an integral part of my life, music is. It's what wakes me up in the morning, makes me feel sassy or bad ass, helps me remember that i'm beautiful no matter what the scale says, is what soothes me when i'm working, and what makes me laugh.

If you'll remember, two days after i bought Jinx, her radio died.

It took me two weeks to get them to fix it because of some after market wiring that was installed and i bought with the car. They finally got the guy in and he basically ripped out all that special wiring and hey! suddenly my radio works. Turns out it was grounded wrong and was blowing out a fuse.

Now, i had to drive all the way back up to monroe for this. So as soon as my radio was working i took off for the highway and i couldn't help myself. I turned on all those guilty pleasure songs that are so embarrasing to listen to if you actually care what strangers in the car might think. I was too happy to care.

With a big, shit-eatin' grin and sunglasses on my face and my radio cranked up to full volume, all the windows down, my hair blowing in every direction, i went speeding down the highway at 70mph.

Foolhardy i know. "what if you had gotten caught by a cop". well, normally 5 over is quite adequate for me, no real need to speed. So it's not like i do this all the time.
But it just felt good. Like Jinx was finally mine and she was perfect and our personalities melted and we were just having fun.

I can only imagine what people were thinking when this brunette pulls up with the raido blasting "girls just wanna have fun" singing along with Cindy Lauper and dancing with the steering wheel. But really, I just don't care.

I was having fun.

Introducing my brother Michael

My brother Michael is up from Texas last week and this week. It really hasn't been until these last couple days that either of us has had time to hang out. We talked briefly for an hour or so on the dock and last night. He's said a few things that I want to take out of my memory and analyze.

First, a little bit about my oldest brother:
He's 33, works as a jail guard in Texas. He left for the military when i was 7. I can just about count the number of times he's been home since then on one hand. Needless to say, we never really had much to talk about, nor bonded very much. He was off living his life and i was growing up in mine.
I'm not really bitter about it, nor do I blame him. Military tends to travel a lot, it's part of the job. For most of my life I couldn't even remember his face. He was a stranger that showed up and that I had to call brother until I was 16 and he finally realized that he and I should develop some kind of relationship. We went out and had a great evening, just meandering around and talked about some things. It was then that he started becoming a brother to me.
There was a 5 year gap after that where he and I only exchanged small talk on the phone. He'd call for birthdays and major events like my graduation.
He came back this last April right before my mom's shoulder surgery. And we had another bonding time. This time we had more in-depth talks, about some things that had affected us emotionally in the same ways. I started to realize that, of all my siblings and even my parents, I'm most like Michael. This is odd given how little time we spent together.
Now he's back up again this year (unheard of to see him twice in a year before this) for these two and a half weeks. It's nice having him and for the most part we get along just fine.

Now, the two things he's said that have....i don't even know the word, but it's somewhere along the line of surprised, insulted and ultimately amused me.....

1) When mom and dad die and we start dividing up their stuff (first off, this surprised me that he talked about it so casually. Our parents aren't dead, nor dying) Noreen will try to run everything until i get tired of it and tell you all how it's gonna be (Noreen is older than Michael and if he tries it's not going to go over with her very well) Johnny will just want equal treatment and you....you we're not gonna have a problem with.
My response in my head: "Hun, you have no idea what kind of force you're up against". Being a prison guard, I'm sure he's used to getting his way because if they don't listen, he can use pain to force them to submit. He can't do that with me. I'll call the cops on his ass in a heartbeat. And if there is one thing I'm good at, it's being stubborn to a point of spite. Should i set my heart or mind on something...trust me, I'm going to get it.
Second: how demeaning is that of me? I'm not gonna be a problem? talk about pompous. Had my sister been the one to say that, who's been around my whole life, i might take it more seriously. But he doesn't have a clue about me. Who the hell does he think he is, to come back and suddenly, he's in charge? I don't fucking think so!

2) You are such a drama queen. And you would know that SO well considering you left when i was 7? I've talked to mom, and dad, ...and Noreen,.......and Johnny..... Oh, so you're going off of what they tell you when they're frustrated with me? by hearsay? He changed the subject after that.

He doesn't know me. And these minor overtures to try to do so don't change that fact. He's been gone. All he's gotten is tiny snapshots of my character over a very long period of time. And during that time, i was growing and changing and coming into my own. Especially recently. I'm most definitely not a kid anymore and most definitely not who he thinks i am.
Even my parents are changing their idea of me. I shocked the hell out of them when i told them i could afford my car, and be fine. They really thought i was going to get in over my head. I even got eyebrows from them. My parents, who never show emotion, and i got the eyebrows into the hairline.

Ok, that's the end of pretty colors.
I'm frustrated with his braggart ways thinking he knows everything about everyone. He's missed a lot but doesn't seem to care. I'm not going to even try to say i understand him, but i think i have a better idea of him than he does of me. He was already "grown up" when i started to get to know him. He hasn't changed very much in the time that I've known him.
I think it's time we talked. I really would rather he didn't attach mom and dad's stigma to me. He's told me several times that they weren't right about him. So if he believes that, why does he follow their lead in defining my character?

I don't believe that I'm a drama queen. I don't go actively seeking drama. Yet it seems to find me. I can understand how several people might think that i am because when i believe in something, i get very intense about it which most people define as dramatic. I'm beginning to believe I'm sorely misunderstood by those who i thought knew me best. Ok, can't please everyone.

I want to be viewed as myself. Who i am today, not who i was in those snapshots.
no past,
no clearly unfounded assumptions,
no stigmas,
no reputation,
no hearsay,
no boxes of definition.

I think I've changed enough to merit a revised image. It's high time to get to know me, not who i was.

Musings

How your heart goes pitter patter, and you can't help but smile.
How nothing changes between you even though you've been apart for a while
How you catch looks that could mean anything
How you hope they mean something meant just for you
How a simple touch makes your heart jump
How a conversation can wander for hours and never miss a beat
How honesty spills from your lips without thinking about it
How talking on the phone has you doing all sorts of silly body language

No matter how irrational and how unlikely anything could ever happen.

even after years you still hope.......

That's why they call them crushes; because if they didn't hurt like someone crushing your heart.....they'd call them something else.