How can you be angry at me, if you won't tell me you are so that i can try to fix it
How can you expect me to fix it if you tell me in advance "there is no way for you to fix this"...why would i bother?
How can you put what i did on a par with something criminal.
How can you blame me for being dissrespectful when you show me no respect in the first place
How can you not understand that i'm different from you. I don't think, feel or react like you do
How can you say that i need professional help so i can be more like you when i'm not unhappy until i'm around you
How can you be so angry at me? Tell me it's all my fault.................
How can i walk away from them believing them when my heart tells me it's not true. That the other side of the story was over-run in the conversation under a battery of accusations that are only half accurate.
How can i just stop all of this so i can be happy again?
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Nano post #1
I joined what I've been loosely describing as a writers guild. Mostly at the recommendation of Colin whom at this point seems to have writers block and won't be joining himself unfortunately. Unless his muse gives him a good whack upside the head with an idea very soon.
National Novel Writing Month (Nanowrimo for short, or just Nano in general speak) is a site online that sets a goal for writing 50,000 words in the 30 day month of November. A challenge, a difficult yet clearly obtainable one given the have over 100,000 members and a very large chunk of them "win" each year. You track your word count and generally are in a friendly competition with several other writers.
I got my story idea about a month ago while working off of a prompt Colin sent my way to get me started. At first it seemed absurd and ridiculous but for some reason it stuck with me. I tried writing a start to another take on the same prompt but eventually got bored with it.
Then I woke up one morning, unsure if I had dreamt the entire storyline out or if a eureka moment hit me upon opening my eyes. That absurd and ridiculous idea suddenly made sense and worked so perfectly that I knew that was what i was going to attempt this challenge with.
So as to not spoil anything i will only say this about my story:
Nikel is a mafia princess forty years from now who comes up with a crazy idea that will resurrect the mafia power in a corrupt Manhattan setting but in a completely unconventional way. As she grows up from a teenager to a woman, we follow her in carrying out her plan with the help of her Uncle Marcus, her twin brother Tony, and the power carried in the prestige of their last name: Sendori.
Oh yes, and this novel was inspired by a true story told by my Uncle Nick.
National Novel Writing Month (Nanowrimo for short, or just Nano in general speak) is a site online that sets a goal for writing 50,000 words in the 30 day month of November. A challenge, a difficult yet clearly obtainable one given the have over 100,000 members and a very large chunk of them "win" each year. You track your word count and generally are in a friendly competition with several other writers.
I got my story idea about a month ago while working off of a prompt Colin sent my way to get me started. At first it seemed absurd and ridiculous but for some reason it stuck with me. I tried writing a start to another take on the same prompt but eventually got bored with it.
Then I woke up one morning, unsure if I had dreamt the entire storyline out or if a eureka moment hit me upon opening my eyes. That absurd and ridiculous idea suddenly made sense and worked so perfectly that I knew that was what i was going to attempt this challenge with.
So as to not spoil anything i will only say this about my story:
Nikel is a mafia princess forty years from now who comes up with a crazy idea that will resurrect the mafia power in a corrupt Manhattan setting but in a completely unconventional way. As she grows up from a teenager to a woman, we follow her in carrying out her plan with the help of her Uncle Marcus, her twin brother Tony, and the power carried in the prestige of their last name: Sendori.
Oh yes, and this novel was inspired by a true story told by my Uncle Nick.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
And people wonder
I had someone ask me a while back why i'm so guarded.
Meet my family i said.
They said that wasn't a reason.
I walked away after that.
I"ve told and shown the people that mattered what my family is like. They are aware.
All i can say about the most recent incident is that apparently even my father doesn't believe in family first when it comes to me. And he is unbelieveably hurtful without remorse. Even my sister spoke up and he still refused to appologize.
Most families are not like mine. Most are happier, more love is shown, there's more laughter and much less stress. I wish longingly for all these things. I wish the people i know who have them would appreciate them more. So comming from someone who leaves her lifelong home every time in tears feeling absolutly awful about herself, please remember:
If your family tells you, shows you, that they love you, despite their quirks on a frequent basis....remember to cherish them. If they give you everything you need, thank them. If they always do their best to do the right thing even if they end up making mistakes....remember they are human too.
I envy you.
Meet my family i said.
They said that wasn't a reason.
I walked away after that.
I"ve told and shown the people that mattered what my family is like. They are aware.
All i can say about the most recent incident is that apparently even my father doesn't believe in family first when it comes to me. And he is unbelieveably hurtful without remorse. Even my sister spoke up and he still refused to appologize.
Most families are not like mine. Most are happier, more love is shown, there's more laughter and much less stress. I wish longingly for all these things. I wish the people i know who have them would appreciate them more. So comming from someone who leaves her lifelong home every time in tears feeling absolutly awful about herself, please remember:
If your family tells you, shows you, that they love you, despite their quirks on a frequent basis....remember to cherish them. If they give you everything you need, thank them. If they always do their best to do the right thing even if they end up making mistakes....remember they are human too.
I envy you.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Kube 93 Haunted House
Ok, even as a kid, I've never been scared of haunted houses. My rational side always tells me that it's an organized event and that the people running it couldn't do anything that would actually harm us. So it's all a matter of makeup and loud unexpected noises.
I go them as often as i can because i completely enjoy going after a group of girls that are screaming their heads off then jumping on them from behind and roaring....just to hear them scream more.
Also i find distinct interest in seeing what actually scares people. Blood, guts, sharp raps behind walls, ghosts, ....guys in gorilla suits, and clowns (a fear I've never understood).
What's more, going with my two gay best friends Jared and Jason, while being just tipsy enough to really get into the surealness of it all. It was by far the best experience ever.
No i didn't get the sensation of fear. But it was so much more fun waiting in line for an hour and a half with them. There were very fun drunken conversations, laughter, cute pictures, smiles and hugs to keep warm.
And yes, i did jump on some girls in front of us and made them jump about 12 feet in the air. It was awesome.
I go them as often as i can because i completely enjoy going after a group of girls that are screaming their heads off then jumping on them from behind and roaring....just to hear them scream more.
Also i find distinct interest in seeing what actually scares people. Blood, guts, sharp raps behind walls, ghosts, ....guys in gorilla suits, and clowns (a fear I've never understood).
What's more, going with my two gay best friends Jared and Jason, while being just tipsy enough to really get into the surealness of it all. It was by far the best experience ever.
No i didn't get the sensation of fear. But it was so much more fun waiting in line for an hour and a half with them. There were very fun drunken conversations, laughter, cute pictures, smiles and hugs to keep warm.
And yes, i did jump on some girls in front of us and made them jump about 12 feet in the air. It was awesome.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Mein Kampf
It means My Struggle/Battle. It's also the title of a book written by Adolf Hitler. (no worries, I'm not a fan at all)
I was walking in a used bookstore the other day and for some reason thought of this book and the title's translation stuck with me.
I've been having a lifelong struggle/battle with my weight. I know this is nothing new or spectacular or even unique in any way given the population of a large chunk of the world. But for me, it's hard to be myself when I've seen myself in reflections of windows, mirrors and even in pictures. It affects my personality and my happiness.
I hear my friends tell me that their doctors recommend they loose weight (maybe 20 lbs if that) or that they're worried about how they look in their size 6 jeans. I have to look at them and shake my head and try not to let my little green monster of jealousy bite their heads off. Since several people constantly demean my frustrations with their whining....here's why i yell at thin women when they keep telling me they NEED to loose weight. It's not a matter of need, it's a matter of want. You want your favorite pair of pants to fit better, you want the attention.
My struggle is different:
Here's my struggle. This isn't vanity, or one upping. This is fact.
My weight as of Monday morning: 222.3lbs
My doctor has told me that i need to loose over 100 lbs to reach my ideal body weight of 117lbs.
I'm also at severe risk for hypertension, high blood pressure, diabetes, and complications with my lower joints (knees, hips etc) if i gain more than 10 more lbs from where i'm at now.
My collapsing has been linked to my weight as much as breathing habits.
100 lbs. A daunting task to say the least. Much easier to eat that comforting pint of chocolate ice cream in the freezer or to revel in the flavor of extra buttered popcorn.
Here's the worst part of it. When i obsess over exercise and caloric intake....i gain weight. When i don't worry about it and occasionally have that extra buttered popcorn...i maintain. Never going down by more than a few lbs.
I'm always moving especially at work where there's stairs everywhere. I lug binders around to all the different buildings, run paperwork with urgent status. At home, I've been doing yoga and palliates. Still no results.
I'm not unrealistic. I know these things take time and hard work. There is no such thing as instant results and i have a lifetime of bad habits to overcome. I know I have a stocky build regardless of my weight. I know I'll never be considered thin. And for me, that's ok.
For me, it's become a battle for healthy. A battle for being able to keep up with the kids i babysit all day long. A battle for my happiness to come back through. It's a battle, one i won't give up on.
One day at a time....I'll try to overcome mein kampf and try not to loose meine hoffnung (my hope).
I was walking in a used bookstore the other day and for some reason thought of this book and the title's translation stuck with me.
I've been having a lifelong struggle/battle with my weight. I know this is nothing new or spectacular or even unique in any way given the population of a large chunk of the world. But for me, it's hard to be myself when I've seen myself in reflections of windows, mirrors and even in pictures. It affects my personality and my happiness.
I hear my friends tell me that their doctors recommend they loose weight (maybe 20 lbs if that) or that they're worried about how they look in their size 6 jeans. I have to look at them and shake my head and try not to let my little green monster of jealousy bite their heads off. Since several people constantly demean my frustrations with their whining....here's why i yell at thin women when they keep telling me they NEED to loose weight. It's not a matter of need, it's a matter of want. You want your favorite pair of pants to fit better, you want the attention.
My struggle is different:
Here's my struggle. This isn't vanity, or one upping. This is fact.
My weight as of Monday morning: 222.3lbs
My doctor has told me that i need to loose over 100 lbs to reach my ideal body weight of 117lbs.
I'm also at severe risk for hypertension, high blood pressure, diabetes, and complications with my lower joints (knees, hips etc) if i gain more than 10 more lbs from where i'm at now.
My collapsing has been linked to my weight as much as breathing habits.
100 lbs. A daunting task to say the least. Much easier to eat that comforting pint of chocolate ice cream in the freezer or to revel in the flavor of extra buttered popcorn.
Here's the worst part of it. When i obsess over exercise and caloric intake....i gain weight. When i don't worry about it and occasionally have that extra buttered popcorn...i maintain. Never going down by more than a few lbs.
I'm always moving especially at work where there's stairs everywhere. I lug binders around to all the different buildings, run paperwork with urgent status. At home, I've been doing yoga and palliates. Still no results.
I'm not unrealistic. I know these things take time and hard work. There is no such thing as instant results and i have a lifetime of bad habits to overcome. I know I have a stocky build regardless of my weight. I know I'll never be considered thin. And for me, that's ok.
For me, it's become a battle for healthy. A battle for being able to keep up with the kids i babysit all day long. A battle for my happiness to come back through. It's a battle, one i won't give up on.
One day at a time....I'll try to overcome mein kampf and try not to loose meine hoffnung (my hope).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)