I return and +1

The end of last year was brutal for me. NaNoWriMo was a chore. But i did finish, then promptly put away my writing and refused to so much as look at it since then.

But i couldn't put my entire laptop away. There was something very important to research. Something that i dove into headfirst and relentlessly pursued. Something that i hadn't realized just how much i missed until I started that research.

Boyfriend Jon and I got a puppy. This is Kira. A miniature Schnauzer at 8-10 weeks old.

Kira has made such a change in our lives in a very short span of time. Our normally clean floor is littered with toys and strands she's pulled out of her rope toy. The tv competes with squeaker toys and we have big celebrations revolving around poop and pee. 

My sweet dog Rusty was put down last year and it was devastating. I missed him every single time i went into my parents house and he wasn't sitting in sphinx pose at the top of the stairs. Miss Molly the Wallet Theif while adorable...isn't my dog. It helps...but it doesn't fill the void. And i will always miss Rusty. 

And life moves on. And now there's a new spot that's quickly developing in my heart for this bundle of energy and adoration when we come home and her little tail wags furiously and she stands on her hind legs to greet us. She sits at my feet while i'm working at my desk on various projects occasionally draping her toys over my feet to let me know she wants to play. 

She's been a member of our family for just over a month and although i dread the thought of walking her at 6am in the middle of winter...i wouldn't give her up for anything. 

And since there's no such thing as too many pictures of puppies....

Weird Zombie Apocalypse feeling

When Boyfriend Jon and i first started dating, we would play a small game. In only minor seriousness, we would compare our various survival skills and try to figure out how we would survive in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Even now, when we talk about skill building, we talk about it in terms of if it would be "useful" and by useful, we both know what we mean.

No we don't actually believe that there will be Resident Evil style zombies, but more that there will be a distinct lack of all the modern conveniences, and that people will become desperate for the most basic things.  We both worry that if there ever is an apocalypse, that the knowledge and skills of our ancestors will be entirely lost, and humanity will struggle to survive. We both want to be strong contenders IF this were ever to happen.

Boyfriend Jon is a boy scout, avid camper, and gets really animated when talking about movies, books or tv shows that discuss how people's "real world" skills would be pretty much useless if there was ever a disaster. (Like a mechanic would be more valuable than say a tax auditor).

I grew up with a scouting family. Both my parents have been scout masters, both brothers were scouts. My parents never saw the need to put me in Girl Scouts since i pretty much went wherever the boys did anyway. We started primitive camping when i was seven and i never regretted it. Where else in this day and age do you learn how to live for extended periods without any modern conveniences?

We both love learning new skills that could increase our chances of survival if the world comes crashing down. Jon learned how to knit. I learned how to skin an animal. Knot tying, cooking over open flames, weaponry, fire starting without matches, extended first aid....anything and everything that could keep us alive.

This last week, everyone has been hearing about Superstorm Hurricane Sandy and the artic blast that followed it. There have been several earthquakes up and down the pacific fault lines. Weathermen are predicting a harsh winter this year. We've already had a few small power outages.

All that got me thinking. What do i have ready if there's an emergency?

I'm honestly not the hypochondriac kind. I don't think the world is going to end, I don't think that disaster is right around the corner. But there's a difference between being paranoid and being prepared.

Since moving in with Boyfriend Jon, we have almost no emergency supplies stored. When the lights flickered last month. I got a little worried and went on a candle buying spree. I thought that would be enough.

It hovered in the back of my mind. That constant whisper of What if there was a disaster now? Then there was a large earthquake up at the Canadian border. Earthquakes trigger more earthquakes. Then Hurricane Sandy hit, and i heard horror stories of flooding, power outages for days, store shelves completely empty. Gas, water and food shortages. Then that sparked the worry about what happens if the electricity is out for days? No refrigeration, no cell phones, no internet to tell you what's going on.

Maybe i should learn how to create a generator out of car batteries and alternators. Or is it possible to learn how to build a real solar panel?

One thing led to another and it all finally centered on this thought which i haven't been able to shake.

YOU ARE NOT PREPARED FOR ANYTHING

When i should be thinking about work, i'm thinking about what to include and where to store emergency supplies in our apartment. When i should be thinking about driving, i'm going over how to winter camp without getting frost bite. When i should be writing for NaNo, i'm researching how to build energy devices.

I'm trying to not be crazy obsessed about this, but the more i think about it, the more worried i get. About six years ago, the area was without power for a week in the middle of winter. I was lucky to be living with my parents at that point. We had fires going, bundled up, and in general were just fine. But would i be fine now, living on my own with boyfriend Jon? Or would we be one of the hoards of people looting for the most basic supplies because we were caught unprepared?


I think, as much as we talk about being prepared, that we would be hurting for some basics in the event of a disaster if it were to happen today. So, call me paranoid, call me crazy, call me silly....but I think now would be an excellent time to get prepared for the basics.

Nano Time 2012

NaNoWriMo kicks off in just TWO DAYS!

This year, i'm really nervous.

1. I'm doing a NaNo no no by re-writing a previous nano. 
2. It's the same NaNo from last year which took several thousand words in which my characters revolted and i couldn't get them off the damn boat!
3. I'm running not one but two write ins which i often don't get a whole lot of work done during.

So this could be the first year i can't win. Or i could blow it all out of the water and have the most epic story on the face of the planet.
.......
more likely the former.

This will be my fifth year doing NaNo. It's hard to believe that four years ago, my buddy somehow talked me into doing this.

I remember thinking to myself, "self! you couldn't even write your Elixir story that you've been working on for 13 years. Why would this be any better?"

And yet the story that came out of that year was awesome. Reading through it even now, i still enjoy the story.

Last year's story, the idea was good and solid. It hasn't even changed that much. Just the premise and the order of things and small tweaks to my characters to make them more believable. Less of the majestic heros and the drop dead gorgeous heroine. More of realistic 20 somethings that have quirks, odd habits, and drive each other crazy.

I believed so much in this story from the beginning even after the 30,000 words on the stupid boat that i started a re-write back in February. I woke up one morning and just had to write a scene that i had dreamed about. 4,000 words later, i had two chapters, a new way of going about my story.

Over the course of the last year, I've talked through several points of my story with Boyfriend Jon and many many other friends. Slowly finding the reason for my story. Finding new characters that belong in my world. New ways to seed foreshadowing, and themes. Very quickly, everything falls into place. I should be excited, and exuberant, and enthusiastic. But instead, i'm just nervous.

What if i get caught up in all the problems that held me back last year? Like the fact that i don't really know much about pre WW2 fasion, society, landmarks, culture, and just the history of WW2 in general. What happens if all these new ideas run me into corners? What happens if for the first time i fail NaNoWriMo?

Returning from Hawaii - New Workout

I had an amazing time in Hawaii.

First and foremost, i was with Boyfriend Jon. He is my ideal travel companion, he's been there several times so he had awesome suggestions, he understood the language/pronunciation and he looks hot in nothing but swim trunks. So of course we had an amazing time

Second...we went to HAWAII. A paradise on earth, where we left the touristy towns and found quiet beaches where we could almost fall asleep to the sounds of crashing waves. Someday, i would love to camp out on the beaches there. I wore sarongs, smelled like sunscreen, and snorkeled with fish. We saw so many amazing things that no picture i could post would do it justice. But i'll do some anyway :)

Our first sunrise in Hawaii because we were still 3 hours ahead

Makapu'u Point

Waimanalo Beach. Which became our favorite. This was the most crowded it got.

Somewhere on West Shore where we stopped for a picknick

North Shore. Wrong season for really big waves, but still really big for me

Polynesian Cultural Center had the most amazing performance

...

...

...

Jealous yet?

Things i would do differently:

• Not get horribly sunburned halfway through. Sunscreen is no joke down near the equator. And neither is proper application technique including re-application after swimming. Poor Jon found out just how Seattlites put on sunscreen (yes he had pants on).

• Not get a hotel in Honolulu. I couldn't care less about the Waikiki beach. Sure it's famous and that's why EVERYONE goes there. But a half hour away is half a dozen beaches where we could swim and the nearest people were 50 feet away. It was so much more relaxing and fun. 
• Not get a gigantic luxury rental car. The push start and back up cameras were cool, but we nicknamed it "The Boat" for a reason. We would much rather have had a zippy little compact.

Things i would LOVE to do more of:

• Simply hanging out at the beach. Now that i know what a real sandy beach feels like, i would love to just go spend a few extra days letting my toes really get to know the sand. Plus after he bought his third Ukelele, Boyfriend Jon serenaded me on the beach. What girl can resist that???
• Two words: Hanauma Bay. Once i finally got my snorkle equiptment to work properly....that was by far the highlight of the trip. I wish i had bought an underwater digital camera for it too. We're currently waiting for our disposable to come back with our fingers crossed that the pictures turn out ok. 
• To spend more time at the Polynesian cultural center, this time participating in the learning opportunities instead of going from show to show. 
• The Aloha Stadium Swap Meet was great for all the trinkets and supplies. Our apartment looks like it had a minor hawaii explosion. 

I had an amazing time and I'm already pestering Boyfriend Jon to take me back. 

But while there, sufficient to say i had a turning point in my head while in Hawaii. I really need to do something about my weight. It's not even optional anymore. And I gave myself a week after i got back to start a workout routine. I was finally ready to make some huge changes to my life. 

1. First thing to go was eating out. Partially this was because my credit card bill from Hawaii almost gave me a heart attack. So i picked up the cooking at home again. I ate out twice in two weeks.
2. Second thing to change, was a commitment to eating vegetables with every meal. At least half of what i consumed needed to be veggies. Boyfriend Jon also got on board for this which just made all the difference a few of the days. 
3. Third thing was to start working out 3 times a week. My buddy Colin has been doing weightlifting and so i picked his brain for a while. Then jumped into working out. I was extremely displeased that i couldn't do more than one pushup when i used to be able to do 20. So that helped solidify that i'm going to be sticking with this until i'm not so awfully weak!

The first week of working out was BRUTAL! The first couple of days i couldn't move without groaning, and i felt shaky picking up even my laptop. I told Colin i hated him for getting me into this and he put me in touch with a woman who has been exactly where i am now and is now a size 4. Between the two of them, Boyfriend Jon's support and some determination on my part, i'm starting to see that i can do this. 

Esteem turmoil and Hawaii

I am a curvy girl. This has come with a lot of stigma, pretty much all of it painful and depressing. Sufficient to say, I grew up bigger in general, have always had issues with my weight and have spent lots of time agonizing over it.

A little while ago, I posted about my Great Aunt Claire. She was first to get me to see around the insults and look at it from another perspective. Which since i was a burly kid...usually meant pointing out that i could beat the crap out of them then sit on them and they wouldn't be able to do a thing about it. (apparently i had too many arguments against the old sticks and stones mantra).

So like all women of any size, i have good days and bad days.

I'm convinced my inner goddess
is played by Christina Hendricks

Most days, i am one heckova sultry vixen. I have a walk that naturally sashays and gorgeous chocolate hair, eyes that can change color, and i rarely get pimples. I know many women that would die for natrually clear skin that rarely blemishes. My inner voice defiantly tells anyone who looks down their nose at me - "This is the body i have, love it or hate it, it's me." And it's not like i'm anywhere near record size. Just a size 20 and a DD cup. Oh yeah, and my cholesterol makes my doctor really happy. Really, it's not that bad and Boyfriend Jon loves me unconditionally.

Then there's days when my insecurities get the best of me. Like a stone sinking in my stomach for every single stretch mark and jiggle. Jealousy for romantic scenes in movies where the guy effortlessly sweeps a girl off her feet. Terror when seeing someone pull out a camera that i have to clamp down on and smile through.

Or worrying about wearing a bathing suit in Hawaii.

Yup. I'm going to Hawaii! In a week! With my best friend and lover and favorite travel companion; Boyfriend Jon. It's our first real vacation where we're not meeting up with family. And i'm excitedly counting down the days. We even made a rip off calendar that is right next to the door and we rip off each new day together. How cheesy is that?? :)

I want to go. I've been wanting to go for over a decade. I know, with out a doubt that this is going to be an amazing trip. Also....there's an extremely good chance that when we get off the plane i'm going to revert to a four year old and be bouncing off the walls.

But talking with other (thin) women about tips for going to tropical locations....has the insecurities rearing their ugly heads again. Bikini waxing presents all sorts of challenges that skinny girls don't have to face. Spray tanning... i actually laughed at the size zero girl who told me to stand like this, then like this...be cause there's no way the spray would get into all the crevices. Some of the positions i get into remind me of human tetris!

And...there's more to it than just the suit.
There's the pasty white skin from never wearing anything shorter than capris
There's extra curves, stretch marks, cellulite...
There's memories of taunting calls of cankles (which i most assuredly do NOT have), thunder thighs, whale, and most recently "fat lady" (thank you children across the balcony who don't realize that screens aren't soundproof)

Boyfriend Jon has been wonderful (really ladies...i got hit the boyfriend jackpot with this guy), reassuring me every time i go into bathing suit panic mode, that there will be ample people of plus size around on the beaches...and that they will have clothes in my size. Probably more so than i can find here in Washington.

THEN
I went from feeling completely insecure to the opposite end of the spectrum.

My first crush, who became a long time friend admitted that he'd crushed on me for most of our teenage years. Say what???? Daydreams of him were constant for over a decade. But I thought given his complete inaction that he wasn't remotely attracted to me. Turns out, that i couldn't have been more wrong. The teenager still inside of me has thrown her hat down and started stomping on it. Why? Why now? Why didn't you tell me these things when something could have been done about them?

But that ship sailed long ago. Those daydreams laid to rest. That crush is just a friend on the other side of the world who i can talk about guns with. I care about him and want good things for him. But that's it.

I've been reminding that teenager part of my brain, that my relationship with Boyfriend Jon was a delicate balance of things falling into place at exactly the right moment. Change a single thing, and maybe i would never be with Mister Boyfriend Jackpot. So why dream about what could have been when what is, is perfect?

So what do you do when you swing from insanely happy, horribly insecure, never good enough, to a source of regret because you were more than good enough, to embarrassed, to conflicted, to excited beyond all reason, and back around again? I love roller coasters, but i want to get off this one!

I'm getting to the point where a good hearty emotion filled cry might just actually solve this crazy web of my feelings.