Lapping everyone on the couch

My last post, i talked about all the changes that made the second half of my 2013 year SUCK. Needless to say, i wasn't focusing on ME at any point. I knew i was getting heavier and stress eating. So I avoided the scale and stairs like the plague.

About a week after Jon proposed, (so we're still back in November) we were scheduled to participate in a "get your numbers" health promotion which i was not looking forward to one bit. You go in, get poked and prodded and they give you your health numbers. Weight, BP, cholesterol, etc. Then counsel you on how to be healthy. Yeah, sounds like super duper fun, right?

But Jon wanted to do it especially with his workload he hadn't been taking care of himself either, and we both knew we needed and wanted to get our eating habits back in control. This would be a perfect opportunity to find our starting point. I put on a brave face, knowing my blood pressure numbers would make the nurse look at me in horrified shock. And indeed, he looked me square in the eye and said something cautionary about the variety of ways it could kill me too young.

But it wasn't until I got a reassuring look from Jon from across the room, that something clicked in my mind.

I'm getting married to this amazing man, and we only get the rest of our lives to be together. Do I want to cut that short?

Here was this future, that I had never considered the correlation with my health, staring me in the face. It wasn't all about getting thin for a wedding dress, though even I'll admit it's spurring some early extra effort. But my main reasons now are to live and spend as much time as possible with Jon. To be healthy enough to have children. Being healthy enough to help them grow and learn to be healthy as well.

I don't know why it took getting engaged for me to reach this realization. But, i hit my crossroads and turned to the harder path of weight-loss.

That week (still in November), i finally went to my doctor and to a local gym. In the past, I had dangerous collapsing issues. Aside from blood pressure, doctors couldn't figure out why it was happening. I tried to get my blood pressure under control, but i wasn't rich enough to handle the cost of multiple visits to the doctor. So i just tried to ignore it til it went away. Doctor Shiva-the-destroyer (she's scary when she's mad) seemed dubious that this time my resolve was real, but she started the process to control my blood pressure and approved me to start a workout regimen under a trainer's supervision.

The gym was all too happy to sign me up early before adding me to Jon's insurance. They assigned me a trainer named Ally, who was a former nurse, for a trial personal trainer session. She was one of those ladies that clearly has never been overweight and is determined to be your own personal cheerleader for the smallest things. I found her extremely annoying. Those "i know you can do it"s were just frustrating. My experience told me that just when i thought i was doing it, i would collapse, stop breathing, and probably konk my head on the way down.

She had me do a maneuver i had told her had caused tunnel vision in the past (my warning signal), so clearly something i already didn't want to do. And sure enough, i was breathing hard and very nervous when she got down on her knees in front of me and said "I'm right here, i'm not going to let anything happen."

I believed her. Really, truly, fundamentally BELIEVED her. For the first time, i felt i could trust a stranger to see just how much this scared me. I couldn't help myself, i started tearing up. We talked past our allotted time and she kept saying: "The hardest thing you have to do, is come back the next few times. Despite the soreness, despite the worry, despite the scheduling. Make it happen the next few times and it will start getting easier."

By that point i was so emotionally raw, that i was almost ready to believe her if she said the moon was made of cheese. Almost :). But it made sense, so i bit the bullet and committed to SIX MONTHS of the 1/2 hour trainer sessions 2x a week. I had gotten a promotion and a raise which certainly helped a LOT with the budgeting, but i knew i had to make it work. Plus the six months was now paid for so my frugal side was now determined to get my money's worth.

I wasn't sore after the first workout, but the second, third, fifth, tenth....oh yeah! I could barely move for the first month after every session and i was convinced my workouts were negated by the couch potato i was becoming because i was too sore to move. I complained incessantly to Jon about how i hated being sore every minute of every day in every place imaginable.

And it was HARD. Hard going in and watching fit women strut around in their workout bras and short shorts (Strange that even my perception of fit women has changed, I used to call them "twigs", so rude of me). Hard trying to find workout clothes in my size (come on, if we're supposed to get down to those sizes, give us cute clothes to start with!). Hard changing your eating habits from chocolate to dried fruit. Hard going into a yoga studio with 15 other thin people who don't know what it's like to have your boobs try to smother you in bridges or twist yourself into a pretzel with fat thighs getting in the way!

I don't know who you are, but you rock lady!

But with Ally's reminders at the end of every session "just come back", and the money already spent...i kept going in and teasing her about what new torture she had in store for me today. The first month, i thought i saw or felt a few changes, but it was nothing i could point at and say "it's gone!". The second month, i noticed that certain spots were less squishy, and i had bulges from muscles that were not there before. And then i realized recently, that i wanted more; I wasn't even tired after the 30 minute sessions. So i asked Ally for more butt-kicking.

It's been 3 months with Ally's ministrations and keeping my blood pressure in check.

• I'm just a few pounds shy of my first 20lbs
• I can do a full set of 10 pushups
• I can do almost 45 seconds of planks
• I'm not gasping for breath at the top of the stairs of our 3rd floor apartment
• I'm doing yoga weekly, increasing my flexibility and endurance
• I've only had 2 dizzy spells but no collapses. 
• My energy level has skyrocketed
• I can take my jeans off without unbuttoning
• Subsequently, I now require a belt
• Both Jon and I are eating healthier
• Co-workers have started commenting that i look like i've lost weight. 

In the scope of my goals, this is only the beginning. There's a long way to go and i'm thankful every day for Ally being my personal trainer and cheerleader. I'm thankful Jon is so supportive: Jon even signed up for his own trainer and regimen citing me as inspiration. "If you can do what you're doing with all the extra health crap on top...i have no excuse."

Don't think i've ever been someone's health inspiration before. It's still so tempting to eat a pint of ice cream, or an entire bucket of extra butter popcorn. It would be SO easy to just go back to ignoring it.
I don't think i'll ever WANT to workout over a netflix marathon. Or consider half a sandwich a meal. But it's becoming easier to make the choice for the healthier options.

For now, i know that i'm re-upping on the personal trainer sessions when the six months expires. I'm not confident enough to workout alone with the risk of collapsing still there. I'm thrilled to be seeing some tangible results, but I'm not satisfied yet. I never expect to be super thin or on the cover of a fitness magazine. Heck if i manage to make it to size 10, i'll be thinner than i've been since i hit puberty. Even if i'm never running around in a pushup bra and short shorts, just getting my body healthy will be enough for me. I just want to be healthy enough to live out my life.

Oh, and do the splits again. Yeah, that would be awesome at any weight.

Returning from Hawaii - New Workout

I had an amazing time in Hawaii.

First and foremost, i was with Boyfriend Jon. He is my ideal travel companion, he's been there several times so he had awesome suggestions, he understood the language/pronunciation and he looks hot in nothing but swim trunks. So of course we had an amazing time

Second...we went to HAWAII. A paradise on earth, where we left the touristy towns and found quiet beaches where we could almost fall asleep to the sounds of crashing waves. Someday, i would love to camp out on the beaches there. I wore sarongs, smelled like sunscreen, and snorkeled with fish. We saw so many amazing things that no picture i could post would do it justice. But i'll do some anyway :)

Our first sunrise in Hawaii because we were still 3 hours ahead

Makapu'u Point

Waimanalo Beach. Which became our favorite. This was the most crowded it got.

Somewhere on West Shore where we stopped for a picknick

North Shore. Wrong season for really big waves, but still really big for me

Polynesian Cultural Center had the most amazing performance

...

...

...

Jealous yet?

Things i would do differently:

• Not get horribly sunburned halfway through. Sunscreen is no joke down near the equator. And neither is proper application technique including re-application after swimming. Poor Jon found out just how Seattlites put on sunscreen (yes he had pants on).

• Not get a hotel in Honolulu. I couldn't care less about the Waikiki beach. Sure it's famous and that's why EVERYONE goes there. But a half hour away is half a dozen beaches where we could swim and the nearest people were 50 feet away. It was so much more relaxing and fun. 
• Not get a gigantic luxury rental car. The push start and back up cameras were cool, but we nicknamed it "The Boat" for a reason. We would much rather have had a zippy little compact.

Things i would LOVE to do more of:

• Simply hanging out at the beach. Now that i know what a real sandy beach feels like, i would love to just go spend a few extra days letting my toes really get to know the sand. Plus after he bought his third Ukelele, Boyfriend Jon serenaded me on the beach. What girl can resist that???
• Two words: Hanauma Bay. Once i finally got my snorkle equiptment to work properly....that was by far the highlight of the trip. I wish i had bought an underwater digital camera for it too. We're currently waiting for our disposable to come back with our fingers crossed that the pictures turn out ok. 
• To spend more time at the Polynesian cultural center, this time participating in the learning opportunities instead of going from show to show. 
• The Aloha Stadium Swap Meet was great for all the trinkets and supplies. Our apartment looks like it had a minor hawaii explosion. 

I had an amazing time and I'm already pestering Boyfriend Jon to take me back. 

But while there, sufficient to say i had a turning point in my head while in Hawaii. I really need to do something about my weight. It's not even optional anymore. And I gave myself a week after i got back to start a workout routine. I was finally ready to make some huge changes to my life. 

1. First thing to go was eating out. Partially this was because my credit card bill from Hawaii almost gave me a heart attack. So i picked up the cooking at home again. I ate out twice in two weeks.
2. Second thing to change, was a commitment to eating vegetables with every meal. At least half of what i consumed needed to be veggies. Boyfriend Jon also got on board for this which just made all the difference a few of the days. 
3. Third thing was to start working out 3 times a week. My buddy Colin has been doing weightlifting and so i picked his brain for a while. Then jumped into working out. I was extremely displeased that i couldn't do more than one pushup when i used to be able to do 20. So that helped solidify that i'm going to be sticking with this until i'm not so awfully weak!

The first week of working out was BRUTAL! The first couple of days i couldn't move without groaning, and i felt shaky picking up even my laptop. I told Colin i hated him for getting me into this and he put me in touch with a woman who has been exactly where i am now and is now a size 4. Between the two of them, Boyfriend Jon's support and some determination on my part, i'm starting to see that i can do this. 

Commute

Ah, the dreary, mind numbing, aggravating, dismal, stressful drive to work. Gridlocked roads, uncooperative lights, drivers eating breakfast or doing their makeup as they swerve into the next lane. Aggressive distracted, oblivious, dangerous, and slow drivers.

The above was no small reason why i decided to move extremely close to my work. Things to avoid turning my car into a ramming vehicle and why my steering wheel doesn't have dents in it from banging my head or gripping too tightly.

I DESPISE a long commute. So much so that I'm willing to pay more to live int he city where my work is. And indeed with this most recent move, i have found the following.

It takes me less time to ride a bike leisurely to work than it takes most of my co-workers to drive when they're in a hurry.

Don't hate me, we all make choices and this is one that was important to me. In fact it takes me only three turns to arrive safely at work. My only frustration along the one long road when people ignore the posted speed limit and drive ten miles under just to be sure they don't get pulled over or miss their turn.

There are buses nearby if i so choose to take that route. And in the event of a major catastrophe, as our annual evacuation drill notes....i can walk home. This truly is a great idea.

Other news:
The best wake up call ever is trying on a pair of old jeans you stopped wearing, and finding that they fit! without a muffin top!

When I let go of what i am, I become what I may be.

This is the mantra that's been going through my head the last few days.
My weightloss journey hit a rather nasty hickup thanks to a very busy week and a half. I basically came home and slept for what few hours I could.
Between my sister's and dad's birthday, conveniently spaced just 4 days apart, friends, and other family obligations, as well as roommate....difficulties; I lost my stride. I went from running just about every day to none. My steady workout partner also had a busy couple of weeks and was unable to meet up. Making there even less of a urgent need to go to the gym.
That coupled with excessive pressure to eat eat eat at all these gatherings, and my lack of iron will against cheese ravioli in a cream sauce and Dairy Queen blizzards....
So without feeling like there was anyone holding me accountable, all my threads of discipline which I had wound tightly around myself over the last 3 months unraveled at a pace which, looking back, is unbelievable.
It finally occurred to me, as a severe (if short) bought with depression came and went, that I can't expect other people to hold me accountable to my own goals. Yes I realize this comes rather belated, but I've made some changes to the way I'm dealing with this process now.

1. My workout partner, although wonderful and encouraging....isn't the workout police. And I can't look to her to make myself get to the gym. I have two feet which work, and it's a matter of making time for it, just like I make time to watch a favorite show.
2. To hold MYSELF accountable to MYSELF, I've posted a chart where I can record daily what the scale reads. Blue for positive downward trends, Red for negative upward trends. I'm doing this instead of logging my food, because that's an annoying pain in the ass. I know when I eat things that aren't healthy, and the scale doesn't lie like a pen can.
3. I have a minimum of days where I work out from Sunday to Saturday. I can use them to go running, do core exercises, yoga, or soon to be swimming. Or any combination.
4. This is neat. www.WeightView.com A site that digitally re-images a picture of you (for FREE) to show you what you might look like if you lost X amount of weight. It basically gives you a visual goal. I plugged in 30, since it's a reasonable and attainable goal (not to mention it's a size i haven't been since junior high...as sad as that is) and these are the "possible results" :
   

My two reactions: "DAMN, that can't be just 30 lbs" then quickly followed by "HEY! where did my boobs go!?!?"
I'll post a real picture when i reach my goal (hopefully)

Wait...I like to run?

Somehow this last two weeks, someone managed to give me a lobotomy and replace my brain with someone who likes to run.
The reason i know this is because at my peak in school, my best mile was 14 minutes and it was the PE session i hated the most. Make me do push ups all you want...just don't make me run. I'll even climb the rope!
Starting last Wednesday, my workout buddy, a former cross country runner in high school, got me on a treadmill while she worked beside me on the elliptical.
Next thing i know my brain is considering getting up even earlier so that i could go do a quick run before my shower.....before work, even. And i went to go exercise without her.
This is rather confusing to me, now i know what amnesia patients feel like >.>

Way too much going on!

My days have been full of one moderate crisis after another for the last week.

I've foolishly let myself get my hopes up over three different potentail roommates only to have them say no when it comes down to it for reasons that have nothing to do with me or the apartment. There isn't much i can do there.

I've been dealing with the main office at my complex telling me one thing, then going back and changing their story. It got to one point where the only person i will deal with now is the assistant manager. And if she's not there, i'll find out when she will be and leave. Don't get me wrong, they're all very nice, but i wish they would learn the phrase "I don't know" instead of feeding me some "sort of right" answer that drastically changes the issue, and i have to scramble. Then after all the scramble is done, i find out that i didn't have to scramble at all.

Turns out i'm going to have to move after all, so now i have to pack up all my things and move them. Did i mention i'm on doctor's orders to not exercise specifically lifting things?!

I've decided i really want a top floor apartment for three main reasons: 1) No body peeking in or lights shining in at all hours of the night 2) second floor would be harder to break into and 3) No one above me in the middle of the night walking around or, good grief, a rhythmic squeak of a bed.

For those who haven't been able to see my Facebook status this week: Katherine is moving out. As in, according to her latest reports, she'll be moving her bed and personal stuff back to her parents house today. I expect most of her things to be gone by Friday.
On the bright side of this:
I get to live solo for 2 weeks!
I can do anything i want like run around dressed (or not) however i want!
I don't have to worry about being quiet in the morning because she'll be asleep till noon and crabby if i make noise.
I control the tv and the DVR
No more negitive energy! No more moping about, no more lumps on the couch (she has some of my sympathy, but when that's all you do all day long instead of being proactive, i don't have very much for you)
And i won't have to worry about her room being messy to show!

On the tarnished side of this:
I get lonely, and i wont' even have a cat to talk to.
.........yeah that's about it....and i have friends nearby....and a phone.

My thanks go out to Kenny, who has let me come and invade his place to stay away from my roommate. I think i make up for some of it for my sheer entertainment value, but it's nice to enjoy myself after a long day, not feel like I'm in someone's way all the time no matter where i am (even my own room).

And lets just avoid the subject of work and leave it at; I took friday off for my own personal sanity and the safety of everyone in my office.

On the plus side of my life right now:
I'm forcing myself to eat breakfast, odd when i haven't done so since junior high. And i must say, eating oatmeal every day for breakfast has had three major positive effects:
I don't feel hungry until right at lunchtime, I'm not muching, and i've lost over ten pounds since january first (i know i said i wasn't going to pick a number, but common, you start to notice after the first 10)

a lot of ramblings

Yesterdays post was long overdue and I feel so much better after posting it. I just got tired of being told to change who I am.

I figured the people that know me, care about me, and love me will look at that and go "I understand this." or, hopefully, like a friend who I talk to before this "I understand this, and it's one of those things I respect you for". (not in so many words, but it felt good for someone to view my "bad" traits as something refreshing and admirable)

But enough. Onto more peaceful things:

I did not end up making my yoga class on friday. I didn't get to leave work until about 20 minutes too late and never would have made it there by that time. So I went home to see if there were any other classes for that evening. My roommate made the suggestion for me to check out our On-Demand and see if they had something for yoga. Normally, i don't advocate for large corporate companies. But On-Demand is the coolest thing since sliced bread. Not only is it capable of recording 2 shows at once (nifty for two different people), but you can get free movies anytime you want, and....yoga to do in the privacy of your appartment. all for about the price of what you would get reguar tv for.

Doing yoga again, was great. I found I'm less balanced that before, but still just about as fexible. Between an hour on the stairstepper (200 steps), tredmil (1.5 mile), and eliptical (....i don't remember how far) versus 40 minutes of yoga.....Ha, i could barely move after yoga whereas i barely noticed a difference with the other workout. Two days later, i was still feeling my obliques.
What is that saying of the marines? Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Long about the warrior poses is when my brain quieted. They are just so intense. It's that inner calm i've always sought. Someone once asked me to just babble my stream of conciousness. They regretted it. They said that they couldn't even keep up when i was thinking about something and then trying to explain it because i would go off on yet another tangent. They're the ones that described my brain as the highway full of cars going at top speeds.
But if you've ever driven down into a valey in the morning when the fog covers the road ahead of you and it's just this sea of white haze, you'll have an idea of what i feel.

HaHa, tangent.
I have on demand in my room now. So rather than worrying about my roommate walking in and seeing me in one of those compromising positions (for yoga you dirty minded people)....i can close my door and she'll knock first (yay for great roommates).
Oh, and a bedskirt which i stayed up until 11pm yesterday ironing. being productive when you can't sleep can be a good thing.

"You want some fries with that shake"

Thank you Mark for the ego boost, it made me smile. There's something to be said for a good set of high heeled boots, new jeans and an ipod.

However enough is enough. I apparently weigh about 50lbs heavier than i look, wear an unacceptable size of pants and I'm embarrased by photgraphs of myself. What's worse? I'm not healthy.

My roommate and I are now workout buddies. Since it's more fun, and more of an incentive to have a friend doing the same things as you are, trying to reach the similar goals. Both of us agreed that we are neither healthy nor happy. We're going to be working out together at least twice a week.

I'm going to throw in an additional workout day on fridays right after i get off of work, since that's at like noon anyway and it's not like i do much with that extra weekend time right now anyway.

I've seriously been considering taking up a yoga class for that friday time...but those things are unbeliveably expensive in my area. I know that if i don't get somewhere that's convienient, i'll find more and more excuses to not go as time goes on. So i'm looking at some possibities and running some numbers. Investing in a few DVD's and a mat is becoming more and more realistic.

For myself, I don't expect to become lythe and waif-like. It's not a realistic idea for someone with my body style. as much as i would rather not admit it...i'm stocky. I have curves, no doubt, extra even. But i'm solid and built with a lot of muscle up on top. I have wide shoulders, bicepts, a solid core, and thighs that are primarily muscle. Even without working out for months, i can be poked in the stomach and there are muscles under that pudge.

But i worry constantly about working out. I collapsed twice this last year from doing things i used to consider mild exercise (walking up a hill near my house, and mowing the lawn). My doctors have no idea what's going on. They basically came down to dehydration, not breathing properly, over heating, and high blood pressure. But they can't explain why i apparently convulsed some (don't ask me, i was o.u.t.). There's no reasonable explanation that they could come up with, even after a pleathora of tests.

I hate that feeling I get right before it happens, my blood pulse under the skin of my face and a wave of cold.
I hate that even though I have that warning, by then I'm not able to function to warn anyone. I'm either going to collapse or i'll recover.
I hate watching the ground come up at me and thinking "oh hey, the ground is getting closer" for lack of anything more intelligent to think.
I hate waking up with everyone clustered around me screaming at me to wake up.
I hate causing that scare for them.
I hate that feeling of "oh shit, what the hell just happend" because then I start panicking.
I hate panicking.
I hate that everyone keeps trying to diagnose me themselves.
I hate being poked and prodded and no explanations to show for it.
I hate being a lab rat.

That all being said, I've done the only thing I'm able to at this point. I've warned my roommate. I've told her what happens in the past, and what seems to work best for helping me after it.

She actually suprised me. I expected her to get all, oh my god, maybe we shouldn't do this! But instead she started telling me she had taken all the CPR and first aide classes, and how she would help me prevent it..."take it easy and lots of water". No revulsion, no worry...just very matter of fact. This is a problem an this is how we're gonna take care of it.

I feel like i'm in good hands.

On a side note: Due to some well made arguments, I've decided to allow comments on posts. To be clear, I'm not looking for sympathy, or for everyone to agree with me. Please, if you're going to argue with me, have a coherent, well reasoned or backed up argument. I dont' have time for childish cussings or "you're wrong because i think so".
But if there are comments you would like to leave for me to read and/or reply to, you can now do so. I will only delete comments that are spam or inappropriate.

Pet sitting, the ultimate weight loss strategy

Who would have thought that the best trainer I could possibly have is a dog.
Though not just any dog seeing as I have a miniature poodle who is good for nothing but being terrified of a leaf, keeping your feet warm as a travel size hot water bottle (that follows you around non the less), and hogging the bed.
No, the dog I am referring to is Ozzie, the Australian Shepard. He is about 5 or so years old, a beautiful brown and white color, an enormous pink tongue, and energy to rival a pack of 8 year old boys.
While his family is out on vacation until tonight, I've been taking care of said dog and a cat (who is too lofty to listen to what I say even when I bribe her with treats and toys). Part of the arrangement was to take Ozzie to the dog park every day.
Ozzie LOVES the dog park, and I can't say that I mind it all that much especially with the regionally unusual nice weather. Between skipping breakfast to let him out in the morning, spending half my lunch throwing the ball to Ozzie in the back yard, and then running around after him at the dog park, I have no time to eat!
See Ozzie is probably one of the smartest dogs i know. You take him for a walk, and he'll want you to throw the ball to the exclusion even of sniffing other dog's butts. JUST THROW THE BALL! Once you throw the ball, he'll sort of run back to you and drop it on the path in front of where you're walking. He'll do his business, possibly pay a dog or two a little mind, but by the time you walk up to where he dropped the ball....he's waiting for you to throw it again.
However, when i tried to steer him back to the car, Ozzie tried a new ploy. Instead of putting the ball down in front of me...he runs by me and drops it behind me away from the car. When that ploy didn't work because, i needed to pick up the girls soon, he decided to run away and hide from me in some very tall grass. Every time i got him into my sight...he would look at me like "see, isn't this more fun?" Then take off again.
I finally got him back on the leash and dropped off last night.
I checked my weight this morning; since starting to pet sit Ozzie....I've lost 6 lbs in 5 days...............*begrudgingly thanks Ozzie with a treat*