I'm tired of being "the mean person" so i'll explain

Apparently, if you have the ability to make a decision under pressure, have opinions based on your view and actually voice them, call things like you see them and with no sugar coating.... you're a bitch.

Well you know what? Fine. I'm a bitch. And damn proud of it. You wanna know why? Read on. If you don't. Stop and continue to have your narrow snapshotted view of me.

I would rather have a voice and use it even if it makes people think I'm mean, than quell it just to fit in and make everyone happy. The truth hurts, the truth is uncomfortable, the truth usually would be nicer if ignored or a blind eye turned to it. But that doesn't make it not the truth.

I'm not going to change for anyone but myself. This is the way I have chosen, years ago, to be. I never tried to fit in because it wasn't appealing to me.

If I get offended, you're going to hear about it. You're going to know exactly why I'm upset. I don't play the game of making you guess or having to figure it out. I'm direct.

If I think something you're doing is wrong, a poor choice, misguided, or irrational. I'll try to change your mind. You know why? Because I care and I won't stand by and let you do something stupid without trying to do something about it. The more i care about something, the harder I'll try. I'm resolute.

I will always be there. Even if you do something i disagree with, I'll still be there behind you. Whether it's to re-enforce you when you start to waver or to cushion your fall. I'm steadfast.

and this one will probably come as a surprise to some, they may think I'm delusional.
I listen. Contrary to the belief I've heard this last few days, i listen to everything. I hear your point of view even when it sounds like I'm not. I don't assume things about your view. I take what you say at face value. I want you to clarify so that i know what's behind your statements. I'm concise.

When you think I'm blowing up for no reason...i assure you there is something that has been said or done that is the reason. And generally, I get angry right after it. There's a point where attacking me, goes to far and I lash back and go straight for the jugular. Some may think i don't need to blow up to the extent that i do. Too bad, i dissagree. The degree of which i react, is equally porportionate to how upset i am about it.

I'm passionate! Get used to it. I live, laugh, love, hurt, hate and feel with all of my heart.

When I'm wrong, I'll say I'm wrong and apologize. It might not happen right away, but i will and I will mean it.

This is me. I'm not going to change because I'm not a bad person, I'm not inherently mean, and I don't think not sugar coating everything makes me so. If you want to think of me that way, go ahead. But I'm still going to be me, not who you want me to be. Maybe this is an inconvienent truth for some....but it is the truth.

Opinion Sparring

Yet another one of the many phrases I've developed. Because the way it goes back and forth between the parties involved is similar to a fencing match. you back off, simply blocking the attacks while they give their opinion, then attack and drive them back with yours.
While in a written debate today (via ole LJ where all the drama is) a friend and I defended our stances on certain clothing choices for men.
The choices were: zip up hoodies with a business jacket pulled over it
and boot cut jeans on men

My stance was firmly against both citing that the hoodie/jacket looks sloppy and like you don't care and the boot-cuts mean the man in question is either femminized or gay. This is fine if they are!!! I'm most certainly not against gays, or women dresssing their men without giving them any say whatsoever. I just wouldn't ever suggest it to be a good idea for someone that dosen't want that.
Said friend, liked them and as a clothing retail employee, recomended them. She also said in her post that we should "Feel free to disagree, and loudly." So i did.
*these are my opinions. I'm allowed to be judgemental and say things like that. Without opinons, nothing would EVER get done!

While my opinons don't really matter in the great scheme of things, I thought it was interesting where her friends all of a sudden jumped into our friendly debate and started treating me as a snark (mean spirited person to put it nicely). It went from calmly reenforcing our views to "you're a judgemental condescending jerk". Making me think, well, that makes you one too. :D way to go! hypocricy works so well in a debate! :D

ahhhgggg. I'm too old for this. Really. This is like junior high level debate. So i called the first friend, and apparently, we're just fine. No hard feelings at all. Then i decided to have fun with the two um......commenters

so i left slightly "condescending" responses for the two friends. To be honest, while i hope this doesn't escalate any further, i hope it stirs their pot just a liiiiiiiiittttttttllllleee bit. If i get treated like a snark, i'll respond like one. *shrug*

Yoga on my mind

The last time I did yoga was nearly three years ago. My friend Sarah was going to go to one and I had come along. Since the class was literally on her property (she works and lives on a horse stable) and the class was cheaper for her because of it I tagged along, completely not dressed for doing yoga. I think I was wearing a low cut top and jeans.
At first, I just sat on the sidelines watching the class because I hadn't signed up for it. As I was watching my friend do all these moves, I thought to myself "oh that doesn't look hard, I could do that!"
So I got barefoot, and rolled out a mat next to my friend. She was very focused on doing the class. So I mentally snapped at myself to focus like she was.
The hour long class, about 45 for me, was probably the most humbling experiences of my life. Not that it was hard for me physically. It turns out I'm still very flexible despite my sturdy and rotund structure. Balancing was harder, but I managed to keep up with the class despite it being my first time.
I wasn't even unbearably sore the next day.

But what struck me most profoundly was that all the things, ideas, emotions, and mental conversations that normally run wild through my mind like a highway full of cars rushing at top speeds, were suddenly silenced.
Silenced completely and rather than thinking, I felt.

I felt my blood coursing, the sweat on my body, the muscles straining, my breath flowing in and out, and this feeling of raw internal strength enveloping me.
I felt like suddenly I was a wild tiger. Sheer strength, power, agility, and carnal intuition. If I could put a better description to what I felt, I would.
But when I think of wild tigers, I think that they are roughly 10 or more feet long including the tail, they are huge, massive, and sheer muscle. They have to be to survive, there is no room for unnecessary weight or sluggish movements. And to watch that kind of powerful grace in action, even on tv or the internet, it puts me in awe. And in those minutes, I was in awe of myself.
I had never come into contact with my, as cheesy as it sounds, inner tigress. And even to this day, I haven't forgotten what it feels like. The calm of knowing exactly what is inside of you and finally being at peace with it.

I was disappointed when I realized my budget would not enable me to continue with these lessons. And at that point, I put the notion out of my head. It wasn't feasible, so no use pining after it.

But my circumstances have changed and now it is feasible. And when looking for a way to find the calm I had as my life is growing more and more out of focus, I almost feel as though I'm being drawn back to yoga and that feeling.

I've meditated since, but it's not quite the same. It's the difference for me of shuffling papers reading and organizing them to discovering there's a glowing, purring tigress beneath the table I was shuffling papers on top of. That actually almost conveys the shock I felt when I discovered it during that yoga session.

If I believed in things such as spirits and souls and similar things as that, I would say I met my animal spirit guide. And it is definitely a tigress.

It's strange for someone who's always been a dog person. of course, I said the same thing when I was a tomboy and starting to willingly wear skirts.

"You want some fries with that shake"

Thank you Mark for the ego boost, it made me smile. There's something to be said for a good set of high heeled boots, new jeans and an ipod.

However enough is enough. I apparently weigh about 50lbs heavier than i look, wear an unacceptable size of pants and I'm embarrased by photgraphs of myself. What's worse? I'm not healthy.

My roommate and I are now workout buddies. Since it's more fun, and more of an incentive to have a friend doing the same things as you are, trying to reach the similar goals. Both of us agreed that we are neither healthy nor happy. We're going to be working out together at least twice a week.

I'm going to throw in an additional workout day on fridays right after i get off of work, since that's at like noon anyway and it's not like i do much with that extra weekend time right now anyway.

I've seriously been considering taking up a yoga class for that friday time...but those things are unbeliveably expensive in my area. I know that if i don't get somewhere that's convienient, i'll find more and more excuses to not go as time goes on. So i'm looking at some possibities and running some numbers. Investing in a few DVD's and a mat is becoming more and more realistic.

For myself, I don't expect to become lythe and waif-like. It's not a realistic idea for someone with my body style. as much as i would rather not admit it...i'm stocky. I have curves, no doubt, extra even. But i'm solid and built with a lot of muscle up on top. I have wide shoulders, bicepts, a solid core, and thighs that are primarily muscle. Even without working out for months, i can be poked in the stomach and there are muscles under that pudge.

But i worry constantly about working out. I collapsed twice this last year from doing things i used to consider mild exercise (walking up a hill near my house, and mowing the lawn). My doctors have no idea what's going on. They basically came down to dehydration, not breathing properly, over heating, and high blood pressure. But they can't explain why i apparently convulsed some (don't ask me, i was o.u.t.). There's no reasonable explanation that they could come up with, even after a pleathora of tests.

I hate that feeling I get right before it happens, my blood pulse under the skin of my face and a wave of cold.
I hate that even though I have that warning, by then I'm not able to function to warn anyone. I'm either going to collapse or i'll recover.
I hate watching the ground come up at me and thinking "oh hey, the ground is getting closer" for lack of anything more intelligent to think.
I hate waking up with everyone clustered around me screaming at me to wake up.
I hate causing that scare for them.
I hate that feeling of "oh shit, what the hell just happend" because then I start panicking.
I hate panicking.
I hate that everyone keeps trying to diagnose me themselves.
I hate being poked and prodded and no explanations to show for it.
I hate being a lab rat.

That all being said, I've done the only thing I'm able to at this point. I've warned my roommate. I've told her what happens in the past, and what seems to work best for helping me after it.

She actually suprised me. I expected her to get all, oh my god, maybe we shouldn't do this! But instead she started telling me she had taken all the CPR and first aide classes, and how she would help me prevent it..."take it easy and lots of water". No revulsion, no worry...just very matter of fact. This is a problem an this is how we're gonna take care of it.

I feel like i'm in good hands.

On a side note: Due to some well made arguments, I've decided to allow comments on posts. To be clear, I'm not looking for sympathy, or for everyone to agree with me. Please, if you're going to argue with me, have a coherent, well reasoned or backed up argument. I dont' have time for childish cussings or "you're wrong because i think so".
But if there are comments you would like to leave for me to read and/or reply to, you can now do so. I will only delete comments that are spam or inappropriate.

Mom's insinuations

At my brother's birthday party, my mother and I got into a discussion that had been stewing for a long while. Thankfully this didn't happen in front of my brother, thus ruining his party, but it was one of those things that just couldn't stop once it started.

My family owns an island cottage. It's beautiful out there, with fresh water, fishing, swimming, and several generations of bald eagles that fish just a handful of feet off our dock. It's the perfect place to relax and I've spent the last 5 years, one day every weekend throughout each summer, working very hard out there. Since it's an old cabin, it needs repair and maintenance. So we work, then we play.

At age 20, I started asking if I could bring some of my girl-friends down there and spend the night (I'm female and interested in men so there was no issue of musical beds). My request was met with "Not without a chaperon". That same year, my brother (2 years my senior) was allowed to go down with his girlfriend, a buddy, and that buddy's girlfriend....unchaperoned. I know this was a double standard, and in itself, unfair; but I let it go and just dealt with it, biding my time.

Now two years later, I'm the same age as my brother was, and I wanted a mixed gender party down there with friends I've known since junior high, unchaperoned. Again, this group is not the kind that play musical beds. We just want to hang out and laugh and enjoy ourselves.

While my brothers went outside for a smoke, my mother took the opportunity to tell me no, not without a chaperon. My brother's girlfriend who had been out there when they went 2 years ago, was present for this discussion. When I asked my mother why...she began to imply that we would not comply with her wishes. I asked her directly what her wishes were. She said to quote: "I don't want you screwing around out there".

I understand that it's her house and her rules, and I've given her my word on four separate occasions that I will comply for those reasons. But in this instances, it's a non-issue. I don't have a boyfriend at the moment, I don't sleep around and I am most certainly not going to do so with long time friends (plural).

And because of that, I decided there had been enough beating around the bush about this. I told her I felt she was implying that I was a whore and that she had a double standard with this. This was clearly a direct attack on me since none of my other siblings were around. She told me there was no double standard and that it wasn't a direct attack. I know she hasn't had this same conversation with any of my other siblings. So I know she's either delusional, or trying to make herself sound better than she really is.

I felt very bad for my brother's girlfriend who got caught up in the middle of this and decided to take a walk around the block and then stay away from my mother for the rest of the night and instead concentrate on making my brother's party fun and enjoyable for everyone else. My brother's girlfriend told me she was not going to come to our house for a while because of the way my mom behaved and that she agreed with me and said I handled it very well. I don't really care one way or another on that, but my mom crossed the line both with me, and against the girlfriend.

I'm turning 22 within this month. I live on my own, I own my own car, live my own life, am true to my word and don't answer to her for my personal choices. I feel it is VERY wrong for her to dangle the cottage as a treat so long as I live the life she decides I should. I've worked just as hard, if not harder, as she has there, have agreed multiple times to comply with the rules of the cabin, but never been trusted. At this point, I'm insulted and hurt enough to write my mother off.

The only reason I wouldn't is because of my father. He trusts me, respects me and is realistic. He's been the chaperon and usually, once he decides to go to bed, he puts in earplugs and goes to sleep and trusts me to behave because there is no reason not to.

I will not be unfoundedly treated as untrustworthy, as a tramp, or with this level of disrespect especially from my mother. How can I resolve this to some kind of cordial relationship? This will be the end unless something changes. I want to be able to enjoy the island and have a nice relationship with her but she's making it impossible.