Rest In Peace Rusty Roo

The moment finally came, and the decision was made. We put Rusty the poodle down yesterday at 4:15 yesterday. It was a peaceful end to his love filled 15 year life.

It was the hardest day of my life. Holding him, giving him extra treats, taking off his harness and using my long nails to give him a good scratch in all the hard to reach places. I was crying so hard the whole way as dad tried to talk me out of going into the room.

"It will upset you terribly" he said.
"I know." i replied
"You really don't know." he pressed.
"I'd feel worse if i didn't."

There were so many things i wanted to say but every time i got started my throat felt like it closed off. I think that was the quietest car ride my dad and i had ever shared.

In the end, I didn't go into the room. The vet requested that if a family member couldn't keep it together, that they weren't present. I knew there was no way i could watch my puppy slip away without bawling. So i sat in the car crying into Molly's fur while she looked out the window probably hoping that dad would bring food back for her. Indeed when a beagle was being walked near the car, she kept licking her chops. Finally i reminded her it was a beagle not a bagel.

Everything else yesterday was trying to get from one task to the other. Reading James Herriot to mom since she's still recovering from surgery. Trying to coordinate the family for tomorrow going to and from Seattle. Driving back with my sister and trying to figure out what in my closet would work for a bachelorette party. Cleaning out all the garbage in my car to get ready for camping this weekend. Forcing food down my throat despite it clamping up several times. Trying somehow to explain to Boyfriend Jon what i needed from him when i didn't even know myself. And finally falling into bed exhausted and feeling like a wrung out towel.

When it rains it pours.

Finally can do this without crying

A week has gone by since my boyfriend of 2 years and 2 months (minus five days) decided to call it splits. Before this it was too hard for me to write about anything regarding this event without crying.
Joe is going back to Wisconsin where he's from in order to pursue some schooling to better his future. I'm not going with him. The split is as simple as that.
We're still friends, as best as we know how. We still can talk and we do, about things like this as that, how our day went. Having talked to him every day for about the last 3 years, it's been hard to suddenly not have that every day "brain dump". I think that's probably one of the things i'll miss the most. Having to hold onto all my thoughts, both dark and light again. Not having someone to listen without judgement. The trust i placed in him will be hard to move on from, but i know i can.
Joe is a good man. I harbor no anger towards him and i wish him the best for his future. We were not ment to be and we both knew that.
My friends have been a great source of support for me, a few more so than even my family. In this week, i've cried more over a boy than i have ever before, telling me just how lucky i was to have such a great guy who could touch my heart even from a long distance and that i can still be friends with him.
Perhaps this is getting sappy and pathetic for some to read, but this is more of a final release for me. I'm getting back to my normal personality, the optomistic, perky, hyper, sassy smart ass now. While i'll still continue to miss what i had, the encouragable pragmatist in me will keep reminding me that my future is elsewhere and that i'll continue gathering friends like Joe along the way.